Brotherly Love

17. Wanting Love

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Iris's POV

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"Will that be all?"

"Yes, thank you," taking my bag of bread I left the shop and started walking to the small park around the corner.

Feeding the ducks brought me some form of peace, I don't know why but it does. Walking around the park the sun began to set, it's warm orange colours were painted in a beautiful reflection on the water in the pond. As I started opening the bag the ducks started swimming faster creating ripples in the water. Some of the baby's ducklings waddled clumsily in attempts to get to me first.

With a small smile, I broke some of the bread into pieces and threw them in different directions so they could all get some.

* * *

A slight wind blew in my face brushing some of my hair back, the glow from the moonlight was now illuminated in the water.

How long have I been here?

The back of my head rested against the tree at the top of a hill, hearing laughter I looked down towards the pond and saw a little girl joking with her parents, I smiled at the sight but a small part of me felt slightly jealous of her.

Some have it much worse, they don't have a roof over their head, others barely get enough food and water to feed their whole family and yet I'm here complaining. I got adopted by flipping millionaires but I was jealous of a little girl and her family, could I be any more selfish.

But I still wanted more and if I was being honest all I wanted was the love of my mother.

Flashback (Told in Third Person)

The six-year-old girl ran into the small living room her brown hair dancing in the air, her eyes searched for her mother and when she found her she broke out into a smile. Her mother sat there on their worn-out couch as she stared into space.

Shoving a picture into her mother's cold hands she started, "I drew you a picture at school," As her mother's lifeless eyes stared back at the girl she pulled the picture from her daughter's hands.

Looking down at the two stick figures holding hands she complimented, "It's a pretty picture baby," As her gaze fell on Iris she saw the slight bruise that she had gifted her with tears welling up in her eyes she spoke up, " I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to," she cried.

With careful hands, she lifted her daughter onto her lap and Iris stared back at her mother, her eyes sparkling with confusion.

Iris lifted her hands to wipe her mother's tears, "It's okay mama you didn't mean it I just made you angry,"

That evening Iris's mother, Sofia, clutched her daughter closer to her chest whispering sincere apologies whilst stroking her hair promising it would never happen again.

And it was at this young age when Iris learned that promises were often broken.

Flashback Over

Pulling down my sleeves I wiped my eyes, I didn't need a mirror to know that my eyes were probably red along with my nose and my cheeks.

Isn't that just fantastic!

I liked the peaceful quiet that the park provided, as I looked up there were very few stars littered along the sky.

Thanks a lot for light pollution.

But the moon was there, it's glow not keeping me completely in the dark, I saw squirrels running up trees and in the distance, the ducks swimming back to shelter. Even though my heart was hurting I felt a sort of comfort, like I could almost have peace.

But now that I think about it where do ducks sleep at night.

As I leaned back against the tree I let my thoughts loose, it's funny how our feelings toward others changed so suddenly as if they were never there in the first place. Best friends became enemies, lovers became strangers and me and my mum... well I don't know what we became.

At six years old I wanted to be just like my mother, right down to the smallest detail I wanted to be like her in every way, she was my everything.

At twelve years old I wanted to be better than my mother, I wanted to know that if I had kids I wouldn't leave them to fend for themselves, but I still wanted some parts of her, she was still something special to me.

But now at sixteen years old, I wanted to be everything my mother was not, cause looking back in time I know that she treated me wrong. I forgave her, always, I understood that she was hurt but I wasn't the one who hurt her so I never understood why she hurt me. I no longer wanted to be her I wanted to be so much more.

But even if she didn't love me, I loved her, I always loved her. Even when she couldn't love me the way I wanted her to, the way I needed her too.

I hate this, I hate it all.

I needed Amalea, whenever I started to feel this way, get like this she was here, she became my rock she became my everything. She owned the rightful title of my mother because she did everything mine was supposed to do. She loved me first, but she was gone.

I could feel my eyes starting to blur again, it was too much I didn't want this I didn't want to cry again. I cry a lot but I hate crying it gives me a headache.

Too loud, it was too loud.

I could feel my hands start to tremble beneath me, small beads of sweat started forming as the tears stung behind my eyes.

Not now, please not now.

I felt like I was dying I couldn't breath I tried to take the air in but my body rejected it. I'm alone. I can't do it alone I can't find my peace I can't make it stop. Everything came crashing at me all at once I felt helpless like my screams were silenced like no one could hear my cries for help but they could all see me, they were just watching me, judging me.

But there was no one there, all the air in the world was surrounding me and yet I still couldn't breathe. It was like my own blanket of torment because it was there but I couldn't have it.

I tried to focus on the things I could hear but my head was too loud, I wanted to see what I could touch but my hands were shaking too much and there was no use trying to focus on what I could see because every single time I blinked more tears followed.

I felt helpless, and I was too caught up in my head to notice the footsteps approaching me.

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