Untouchable

Chapter 27

A/N
I'm so so sorry for such the long wait. You've heard all my excuses before, so just insert them here.
Love you!!!

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Louis' POV

When all of my sisters came running out to hug me, I had to admit, it was a massive surprise.
The last time I had seen them face to face, I had been a mess. I was in awe that they dared to touch me when I'd yelled at them for trying to hug me before.
I caught my mum's eye over the swarm of girls. I'd Skyped her, of course, but there was something different about seeing her in person- of course there was. It wasn't just my sisters that I knew I had hurt the last time I was home.
I swallowed hard. I didn't want to cry in front of my sisters, but the second my mum came forward to hug me, it was useless to try and prevent it.
Daisy let us hug for a few moments before she had to ask.
"Lottie said Harry was coming over. When is he coming?" she said, almost accusingly.
I stepped away from my mum and quickly blinked a few times in a desperate attempt to compose myself.
"In a few days, don't worry. He's got to see his own family too," I said.
She frowned.
I knew they loved Harry and I was pretty sure all of them, especially Lottie, had massive crushes on him- excluding my mum of course. I couldn't blame them, though. I'd fallen under his spell as well.
"Why can't he come today?" she asked, "He can see his family some other time."
"What if I went to his house and didn't visit you at all before I left for the tour? How would you feel then?" I asked, "Because that's how Anne and Gemma would feel."
Daisy sighed and didn't say anything. She understood. Phoebe started complaining about being cold, so we moved inside. My mum offered to take my suitcase- just one because I was going back to my house before the tour- up to my room for me so that I could stay with the girls, but I wouldn't let her.
It was strange, being back in my old room- more so than it usually was. I'd barely been concious the entire time I'd been in it last, and when I was, I'd been all but insane.
I set the suitcase on the floor.
I didn't think I would ever be able to get over how guilty I felt for putting my family through that. I'd scared them and worried them, in ways that were borderline unforgivable.
I sat down on my bed then and looked around my room. I saw the dent in the wall from when I had kicked it when Stan had forced me to go to therapy. There was the little bottle of children's sleep medication that my mum had used for me.
There were traces of the time I'd been in my room last, and I didn't want there to be.
I wanted to call Harry. I already knew he'd tell me that I had nothing to worry about, but I wanted to hear him say it. It was ridiculous, but I missed him. I wanted to tell him to leave his family like Daisy had said and come to me.
I texted him instead, telling him I missed him and adding a frowning emoji.
I made my way downstairs, where my family was waiting for me. Daisy and Phoebe immediatly scrambled to sit next to me.
My phone buzzed with a reply from Harry. It was just a kissing emoji. I couldn't help but smile and when I looked up, I had a hunch that everybody knew who I was smiling about.
"Is that your boyfriend, then?" Lottie asked, smirking.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, that was my boyfriend," I said.
I fought to keep from laughing. Harry demanded that I call him my boyfriend as much as possible so he could be constantly reassured that our relationship was most definetely not a figment of his imagination. It was both endearing and mildly heartbreaking that he still had trouble believing it. It did lead to interesting conversations though, ones where we threw in the word boyfriend as much as possible until it started to sound weird to us.
"Can I talk to him?" Phoebe asked, her eyes bright.
I shook my head.
"He's still driving right now. Maybe later if he's up to it, okay?" I said.
I hoped she would forget. I wasn't sure if Harry wanted to be bothered by my sisters and I didn't want to disrupt the time he had with his family. She frowned, but she didn't say anything more about it.
After that, it was easy.
I knew that my mum had told them to never mention how cruel I had been before, or how confused and upset I had been. She had to; there was no way they wouldn't have said anything otherwise. I appreciated it. I never wanted to explain to my sisters all the stupid things I had done while Harry had been gone. I didn't know if they even knew about the drinking. I knew that Lottie knew about Ben and the drinking, but I doubted the younger ones did. I was terrified that any of them knew about Ben. I didn't think they did, but it was always a very real fear.
Phoebe and Daisy demanded to see the pictures on my phone of me and Harry, and it got passed around the room. Lottie pretended to gag and it made my chest hurt. Not necessarily because it was upsetting. It was just so normal and I loved my family so much that it hurt.
She threw my phone back at me and it almost hit my face. I wasn't sure what else to do, so I stuck my tongue out at her.
They didn't seem to notice that I wasn't very loud, that I wasn't talking over them like I had once. It was just part of me. Harry'd commented on it once after a rehearsal. He said that I tended to watch the action rather than be part of it, when it had always been the opposite before. I had shrugged and told him that it didn't mean that I was unhappy because I was very, very happy. I just didn't have as much to say.
So I sat on the sofa and listened as my sisters shouted over each other to tell me about their lives and what had happened since the last time I'd been home. I heard about Matt, the boy that Phoebe thought was really cute and funny, but had never actually talked to. Felicite told me how she was thinking about starting a fashion blog or something similar.
Occasionally Harry would send me a text. It was always dumb, little things like 'gems and mum say hi' and 'I miss you already' and 'think I've got your shirt on...it's tiny', which was followed by a picture of him in what was indeed my shirt.
At some point I had to put my phone down when my mum got dinner ready. She asked me to help, so I watched the water boil. I had a feeling she just wanted to give me room to breathe without my sisters climbing on top of me.
"You know when Harry comes over, that he can't sleep in your room with you, right?" she said, throwing a smile at me before she resumed chopping vegetables.
I frowned at her.
It hadn't occurred to me.
I was used to sleeping with Harry. I had expected to have trouble sleeping without him before he came over, but I hadn't thought about not sleeping with him while he was there.
"What?" I asked.
"You can't honestly think I'll let you sleep with your boyfriend. Can you imagine? Then all your sisters would complain whenever they get boyfriends, or girlfriends, you never know, about why their partners couldn't sleep over. He can sleep on the couch. Or you can and he can sleep in your bed," she said, laughing, "And don't you dare try and sneak him in. I'll know."
I scowled at her and sent Harry a text, demanding that he run away with me to somewhere we could sleep together. He replied, pointing out that that would pretty much just be my house.
I smiled.
"I love him," I said quietly, "It's...it's not been long, but I love him a lot."
"You've mentioned that once or twice," she said.
"I feel guilty. I've never taken him out for a proper date but I don't know how. It's not like we can just go out to some nice restaurant. I believe he knows I love him, but it's hard for him and I just want to show him that I do love him," I said.
"You could have a date here," she said, shrugging, "I could take the girls out, or have them act as waitresses or something. It's cliche, but in a position like yours, it's about as good as it can get."
I stared at her.
"That's the most cliche thing I've ever heard," I said, but I grinned, "Can we?"
She laughed and nodded.
"As long as you promise not to have sex under this roof," she said.
"Mum, you- you know that's not something I'd ever do, even if I was okay," I said.
She nodded.
"I'm just joking, love. I know you wouldn't," she said, "But really. I except to have your hands right where I can see them the entire time he's here."
I laughed.
"Do you want me to take the girls and leave?" she asked, "Or like I said, you can have them play waitress."
I considered it, turning down the heat on the stove as the water started to boil.
"I think I'd like if they weren't around?" I said, "Gives the illusion of privacy or something, I don't know."
My mum smiled.
"I'll cook for you, if you want. Assuming you're still rubbish at it," she said.
I accepted the offer.
Dinner was the same cacophony of voices trying to talk to me. I loved it. It was so warm and familiar.
I went to bed fairly early, not because I was tired, but I just wanted to call Harry, really. Before I could, Lottie poked her head into my room.
"Hi," she said, pushing her way through the partially closed door and sitting down on my bed.
"Hi," I said.
"Right," she said slowly.
"Hi," I said again, and then, "Do you want something?"
It wasn't necessarily awkward, but she wasn't saying anything and it was definetely not entirely comfortable.
Finally, she sighed and looked me in the eyes.
"Are you happy?" she asked.
I stared at her.
"Yeah, of course," I said, sitting down next to her, "Of course I am."
Lottie shook her head.
"You don't have to lie to protect me or whatever. I want to know the truth," she said.
She sounded more confident, more demanding. I noticed that she looked older than I remembered. I wondered if she had matured because of me not being there for the rest of the family. She'd had to take my place; I knew it. I felt sick.
"I'm not lying," I said quietly, "I'm so happy, Lottie. I know it's probably hard to believe, since the last time you saw me I was a mess, but I am happy now. A lot of it has to do with Harry, obviously, but I'm also a lot more mentally stable than I was."
Lottie nodded.
"Are you in love with him?" she asked.
"Yeah. The whole thing's happened really quick and sudden, but I love him a lot and he loves me," I said, shrugging.
"I'm not actually mad that you've 'stolen' him, you know," Lottie snorted, her mouth quirking up in a smile, "I'm happy if you're happy, really."
I smiled back at her.
"It was really hard," she said, her smile vanishing, "Seeing you like that and not being able to do anything to help except stay clear. I- it was really scary. You know mum got us all earplugs because you'd wake up screaming and it would scare us all half to death and we wouldn't be able to go back to sleep?"
I swallowed hard. I hated hearing about what I'd done to them, especially when I couldn't remember bits and pieces.
"I didn't. Know that, I mean. I don't know a lot of what went on. I really don't remember a lot of it. I was so stuck in my head that I've got no idea what happened outside of it," I said, "If that makes sense."
"It does," she said.
It was quiet, tense for a moment.
"Can you- what did you guys even do? Why'd you let me stay here? I was horrible to all of you and I know mum thought I was dangerous," I said.
My chest ached. I hated thinking about it, the way I'd treated them. They all deserved the world and I'd given them the least I could. I'd given them less. I'd wanted them to hurt like I had hurt and it was by far the worst thing that I had done in the entirety of my life.
Lottie sighed, "What else could we do, Louis? You were killing yourself in London and we couldn't send you off to live by yourself. You needed somebody to take care of you and make sure you were eating and drinking things other than alcohol and keeping yourself alive at the very least. I think we all knew that you wouldn't ever physically harm us. We couldn't even get close to you before you would get all skittish and go hide in your room. It really was just a matter of ignoring everything you said to us and trying not to get upset about how sad you were."
I bit down on my thumb hard, trying to keep from getting too emotional in front of her. It was extraordinarily difficult. I decided that I was absolutely exhausted then, and all I wanted was to go to bed. But I also knew that I needed to finish the conversation before I lost the nerve to ever ask about it again.
"What did I say to you?" I asked slowly, "I know I swore at you and told you to go away when you tried to talk to me, but in the grand scheme of things, that's not that bad. So what did I say that made you guys so afraid of me?"
"You have to understand that what you were acting like wasn't normal behavior, Lou. Obviously. So that alone was scary. You were acting like some kind of zombie and seeing your older brother like that is- I can't even describe it and I hope that you never have to see it yourself," she said.
For a moment, I remembered Harry before rehab. I thought that I might have understood what she meant and that I already had seen it.
"There was this one night, though," Lottie continued, "I don't remember when, but it was right when you came home, like only two or three days after. I heard you in the shower, and you were- I don't know what you were doing, but I think you were crying and I could just hear you talking to yourself and telling yourself how disgusting you were and that you should be dead, that you deserved to die and you should just hang yourself and Louis-"
I had to hug her. It was as hard for her to talk about as it was for me to hear it.
"If I had to find you like that," she whispered, "I don't know what I'd do. I didn't sleep for ages after that because I just kept having these dreams of walking into your room and finding you hanging from something. They were so real and when I woke up I'd run to your room to make sure you were still okay and you always would be, of course, but it was just so real. Sometimes you'd be awake- well, you were always awake because you never slept, but you weren't really awake if you know what I mean, and you'd shout at me to go away and I never could be upset at you because if you were shouting, you were alive at least, you know?"
I shut my eyes. I felt sick. I hadn't been aware that they knew how much I had wanted to die.
"And one day you were standing in the kitchen and you drank so much water that you got sick all over the floor because you were trying to get yourself drunk. On water," she said, her voice shaking, "When you looked at us, you never really seemed to see us. It was like we weren't there. Daisy tried to make you a get well card because she didn't know what else to do and you tore it in half and said that you'd never get well."
"I don't know if I want to hear any more of this," I said quickly.
"Are you okay?" she asked.
I shook my head.
"Do you need something?" Lottie pressed.
"Can you just leave me alone for a bit?" I asked, "I just want to be alone."
Lottie nodded. She hesitated before hugging me, but she did, and she left the room.
Immediatly, I picked up my phone and called Harry.
He answered after a few rings, his voice bright and happy the way it always was when he was around his family.
"Louis!" he said.
"Hi," I responded, pulling my duvet over my head.
"Do you want to say hi to mum or Gemma?" Harry asked, "They're right here."
For some reason, the thought of talking to them scared me. I knew they didn't blame me for anything that had happened to Harry and he had said that they loved that we were together, but I still couldn't think about anything but the worst. It felt like meeting them for the first time and it was nerve wracking.
"No, not right now," I said quietly.
My head hurt.
He must have caught on to something, because I heard him excuse himself and a few moments later he said, "Is everything okay, Lou?"
"No," I said, swallowing around how badly I wanted to cry, "No."
I burrowed more deeply into the little cave I had made for myself. I was cold despite the pile of blankets on top of me.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked.
I shook my head to myself.
"I talked to Lottie a little while ago. She told me about some of the stuff I did when I was here the last time, when I was all insane or whatever. I'm such a horrible person," I whispered.
"Louis," he sighed, "No you're not."
"I am. You should have heard her," I said, "I scared them all so much and she was just telling me some of the things I've done and. I want her to be lying to me."
"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry asked.
"I don't want to keep you from your family. Just wanted to hear you for a little," I said.
"You didn't answer my question," he pointed out.
"It doesn't matter. Just go back to your mum and sister. I'll be okay," I sighed.
"No," he said, "Listen. I'm going to stay here whether or not you tell me what's bothering you. I love you, okay? Your family loves you. And we know you're not a horrible person."
"Okay," I sniffed, pulling the blankets more tightly around me.
I put the phone on speaker and set it on the pillow next to me.
"What do you want? Do you want me to just talk to you, love? Or do you want to talk?" Harry asked.
"I ripped up a card Daisy made for me," I blurted, in lieu of an actual response, "Lottie said she made it because she didn't know what else to do to make me feel better and I ripped it up in front of her and said I'd never get better. What kind of brother does that? And Lottie said she could never sleep because she was so afraid I'd kill myself because she heard me talking to myself and she saw me trying to get drunk by drinking a lot of water and I used to wake them up screaming."
Harry stayed quiet for a long moment. I assumed it was because he was getting himself ready to break up with me. Nobody wanted to be with somebody who treated their family like such trash.
"Do you want me to come down now?" he asked instead, "I can, if you need me."
I started to cry.
"Louis?" Harry asked, sounding even more worried than he had been.
"I just love you a lot," I explained, "I do."
"I love you too," Harry said, "Do you want me to come over, love?"
"No. I'm good, I think. Just wanted to talk to you. I miss you," I said, rubbing my hand over my face and trying to gain control over my emotions.
"I miss you too," he said.
"You know, mum said we can't sleep together when you're here. She said the girls will complain that we get to sleep together but they won't be able to sleep with their boyfriends," I said, trying to change the topic.
I wanted to stop being so emotional. I'd probably cry again once I hung up, but I wanted to feel happy and loved for a few minutes first. I didn't want to bother him with my unresolved guilt.
Harry laughed.
"Doesn't she know you like to be cuddled when you wake up?" he asked.
"Of course she knows, she's my mum, Harry," I said, "I suppose she doesn't care at all for what I want when I wake up or she would let you sleep with me."
Harry snorted on the other line.
"I'm sure she cares, you idiot," he said, "Although I don't care much for her right now. I'll miss you."
"Maybe you can pretend to sleepwalk up into my room?" I suggested.
"That's believable," he said sarcastically, "I think we'll just have to suffer through it."
"Do you think it's weird that I sleep better with you?" I asked.
"No," he said, "Not at all. I'm pretty sure it's been proven by a study that people sleep better with their significant other."
"Is that what I am? Your significant other?" I teased.
"I love you," he said, "And you're pretty fucking significant to me. So, yeah."
"Out of wedlock, Styles?" I asked, trying to keep from grinning to myself, "Is that even a thing?"
"We'll make it a thing if it's not," Harry said, "You and I, we can do anything we want."
I hummed, content with his answer.
It was quiet for a while, which for a phone conversation, should have been uncomfortable, but I wasn't. I didn't think he was either. It got to the point where I started to nod off while still on the phone with him.
"You tired, love?" he asked, startling me a bit.
"Yeah," I said.
"Do you want me to go?" he asked, "I can stay on if you want, though."
"Can you stay on 'till I fall asleep?" I yawned, "I think I'd be able to fall asleep faster that way."
"Of course. Good night, Lou," he said.
"Wish I could give you a good night kiss," I murmured, "But good night anyways."
Harry snorted softly.
"Yeah, me too," he said.
It didn't take long to fall asleep after that.
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A/N 2
So they're supposed to go on tour soon in this book and I need ideas of things to put in chapters for that. I don't want them to come out yet, cause that's highly unrealistic, so none of that. But other than that, any idea is free game.
Love you!!