Untouchable

Chapter 18

A/N
I don't really have an explanation for how long this took to write.
Woops.

Love you!

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Harry's POV

I woke up with Louis curled around me for the third morning in a row. His hair was in my mouth and I spat it out as quietly and gracefully as I could. I knew that he wouldn't wake up if I was a little too loud. He'd been sleeping longer and more deeply since rehearsals had started.
The first time he'd slept for more than four hours, he'd called me excitedly, tripping over his words in enthusiasm.
When he'd slept for eight, I'd been there to wake up to his blinding grin.
He slept longer than me some nights. He always looked so pleasantly surprised whenever he saw that I was already awake.
I loved waking up before him. I could hold him as close as I wanted and press little kisses into his hair and on his forehead. Felix reminded me daily not to convince myself that Louis might have feelings for me and I did try really, really hard. I really didn't think that he had feelings for me. I knew that it was me that was the problem. I had enough 'feelings' for the both of us.
As time wore on and Louis slowly but surely started to regain a sense of himself, he still clung to me. It was different though. In the beginning, he had been so desperate for my attention, literally clinging to me. It was slowly turning into how we had been during the X-Factor. He was still always close to me, but he didn't always look like being away from me would kill him.
I could see the liveliness coming back into him, albeit much more subdued. He usually reserved it just for me.
I was always careful to watch him when he took his medicine in the morning and afternoon rehearsals, at night when I was at his house.
I knew that the medication had a big hand in helping him, as well as his therapist. I had no idea what they ever talked about that helped him so much or even what his meds were supposed to do, which I probably should have, but I never asked. I wasn't really worried that he would overdose, intentionally or not, but it was always a little fear in the back of my mind.
Louis stirred, his eyes blinking open sleepily. His mouth quirked up into a little smile when he saw me looking back at him and he shut his eyes again, shifting closer.
"Warm," he mumbled.
Sometimes Louis slept with a shirt on and sometimes he didn't. It was one of the times that he didn't and his chest really was very warm against mine. I knew that I was flushing like I always did when I had him so close.
I let him go back to sleep for a while before I tried to untangle myself and get up. Despite my best attempt at not waking him up, he did, scowling half-heartedly.
"Make me breakfast," he demanded.
"Cereal?"
"Yes."

Liam's POV

I wasn't sure whether to be concerned or relieved.
On one hand, Louis was smiling a little more, speaking up in conversations, albeit quietly.
On the other, he was clinging to Harry, always following him around and looking panicked if Harry left him for a moment. I wasn't sure it was healthy. It definetely wasn't healthy. He was so dependent on Harry and I wasn't sure what to do with it. Harry didn't seem like he minded, but I knew that Louis' constant presence had to be overwhelming.
Besides the obvious hurt that Harry had to be feeling, he was under a lot of pressure. If he said the wrong thing, if he snapped at Louis even slightly, Louis probably wouldn't take it well. He was already on fragile ground.
He just looked so content with Harry, like he might be able to fix himself just by using Harry as a crutch. I was worried about what happened once Louis didn't need Harry anymore.
I wondered if that would ever happen.
I just couldn't make up my mind on how I felt about it. I watched them during rehearsal one day. Harry was always hyper-aware of Louis. If Louis gave the slightest hint of being uncomfortable, Harry would ask for a break and pull him into a corner to talk. I noticed how much more relaxed Louis was when he was speaking to Harry. He didn't look nearly so guarded and shy.
We all jumped when we heard Louis shriek in the hallway. I was halfway to the door to see if he was okay with Zayn right behind me, when Harry burst through the door with Louis on his back.
Louis was clinging to him for dear life but what was even weirder was that he was laughing.
"Styles, put me down, you fucking monster!" he demanded, his face flushed from laughing.
Harry spun in a circle.
He didn't quite manage it and tripped, causing both of them to collapse on the floor, giggling hysterically.
"You're face," Harry cackled, "When I-"
"I'll-" Louis started.
"Piss on everything I love, I know," Harry finished, which set them off again.
Zayn cleared his throat and Louis jolted, scampering to his feet. Any trace of laughter faded from his face and I wanted to kick Zayn for ruining it.
There was an awkward little silence as Harry stood up.
"Is it a crime to have fun or something?" he asked quietly, his tone defensive.
Louis shuffled closer, pressing his side against Harry's arm.
"No, no, mate. It's just unusual, you know?" I tried.
Louis' face fell even more.
"Well I'm sorry that I can't be happy all the time, Liam!" he snapped.
He pushed away from Harry and stormed out of the door they had come through.
Harry stared at all of us and sighed heavily.
"You know he doesn't like to be stared at or be the center of attention and he doesn't like to be reminded that he's not okay. God, why am I the one that has to remind you of that? Treat him normally, don't make him feel like he's some kind of freak!" he snapped.
He started to go after Louis.
"Wait, Harry," I said wearily.
He stopped and turned around, his eyes dark.
"Is he um, getting better?" I asked.
"I don't know, Liam, why don't you ask him yourself? Just because he doesn't come up to you doesn't mean you can just pretend he doesn't exist and never speak to him," Harry hissed, "I'm sick of being his only friend and you all just sitting back and watching him when he needs you too!"
With that, he pushed through the door and I figured that Louis was sitting right outside, because I heard Harry's voice soften and get more gentle, coaxing Louis to come back in.
"Well, I feel like shit," Zayn sighed. "I don't know what to think. Louis acts like he doesn't want us to be around him but Harry's making it seem like he does," I muttered.
"It kind of is unfair though. Like, Harry loves Louis and I think he really likes that Louis is around him, but it's unfair to both of them that Harry's acting like his only friend," Niall said, "Louis' fragile and we're being cowards because we don't want to hurt him but we're hurting him doing this."
"You done talking about me?" Louis mumbled, coming back in, "Regardless, we're leaving."
Harry had a firm arm around his waist, leading him to where their stuff was put together.
He murmured something in Louis' ear and made him smile. It reminded me so much of how they had been in the beginning, on the X-Factor. Even as close as they had been then, the smile they shared seemed more intimate somehow.
Something twisted in my stomach.
I brushed it off. I didn't want to think about what was going on between them. I knew it was nothing anyways. Louis was attached to him and Harry was in love with him but he'd never dare to do anything about it, not after everything that had happened. He was pleased to have Louis in any way at all. Sometimes I could see the way he tensed up when Louis pressed close to him and then the sadness when he pulled away. Harry was still hurting and he knew he probably would be for a long time but he was handling it better.
I watched them leave, heads bent together as they talked quietly.
I didn't know if they went home together or not.
The next time I saw them was our first interview since Louis had disappeared.
It was a week after the rehearsal. We hadn't had any since then because we really didn't need to have one.
I guessed that management had spoken to Louis and asked if he was okay with an interview and they had probably spoken with Harry as well.
They knew that they had to talk about the video. Gossip magazines and websites wouldn't shut up about it and the only way to reassure people that the band was in fact not breaking up was to tell them ourselves.
Harry got there first and Louis came in about five minutes later. He immediately gravitated to Harry's side.
Harry acknowledged him with a gentle nudge to Louis' hip but he kept talking to one of the technicians of the show we were going to be on.
"Hey, Louis," Niall said.
Louis turned around, looking almost surprised to have been spoken to. He gave Niall a small, careful smile and I watched as he pressed himself even harder against Harry's side. Harry glanced down at Louis, then at us, and then looked back at the technician.
Louis looked afraid of us and it made me feel sick and angry.
It was stupid to me, that Harry was the only one that Louis really trusted and he was also the one that had fucked Louis over in the first place.
It wasn't jealousy, but I hated that I had been there for Louis while Harry had been gone and had tried everything I could think of to help him, but he couldn't trust me. He was afraid of me.
"C'mon over here," I said, as gently as I could muster.
Louis hesitated, but Harry knocked his fingers against Louis' in a subtle 'go ahead' gesture.
Louis carefully came towards us, his arms crossed tightly against his chest.
"Hi," he said quietly, coming to a stop several feet away from us.
He looked me in the eyes. I counted it as a victory.
"What's up, Lou?" Niall asked.
Louis shrugged.
He really wasn't helping in making the conversation any less awkward.
He glanced over at Harry helplessly.
"Ready for this?" I tried.
He shrugged again and then sighed.
"Not really. I don't like being told what to say," he muttered.
"I know," I replied.
We had basically been given a script to memorize for the interview. I knew that it was for our own good but I still hated lying and I knew that Louis really hated having his leash tightened and force-fed lines to say. And they really did have to force him on occasion, when he really didn't want to say something or was feeling especially stubborn.
"You know why though," I said.
"Of course I know why!" he snapped, then shook his head irritably, "The fans'll know we're lying anyways. They always do."
Harry came over and nudged Louis carefully. Louis looked up and it was weird, the way he seemed to relax. I supposed that he had felt alone and cornered without Harry by his side.
"Hi!" he said, but he didn't look away from Louis.
He was studying him, assessing him. He bent down to whisper something into Louis' ear that earned him an eye roll.
"Hi," Niall said, a fraction too late.
Zayn appeared, having just walked in. He seemed vaguely surprised that we were all talking.
"Sup, mate?" he asked Louis.
"Nothing," Louis replied, "We have this shit interview."
It was more of an answer than Niall and I had gotten.
"Louis," Harry said quietly.
Louis glared at him.
"You didn't want to come either," he protested.
"You don't know that," Harry said.
"Yes, I do," Louis said, his eyes narrowing, "I know you."
Harry made a weird noise, a bit of a cross between a sigh and a snort.
"Anyways. I was thinking. We should all go out tonight or tomorrow or something? We haven't hung out as a group in ages," Zayn said, "Yeah, Louis?"
I had to admit, I admired his nerve.
Louis balked.
He didn't say anything, just twisted the sleeves of his shirt around his fingers and stared resolutely at the ground.
"Yeah, that'd be great," Harry said.
Louis looked up at him sharply, his eyes wide.
"That would be great. Wouldn't it, Louis?" Harry repeated firmly.
I was pretty sure that Louis was going to hit him, but we got called to the set.
Louis twitched when he saw the audience staring back at us.
We took our seats. Louis and Harry weren't sitting next to each other, but it was intentionally. They were instructed to look at each other and smile 'secretly' to make it look like we weren't forcing them to be together by sitting them next to each other but not looking like they were being forced apart. Plus, everybody knew how much the fans read into it when they looked at each other. I was sitting between them. Harry leaned over so he was all but in my lap and gestured for Louis to do the same.
With the screaming of the audience in my ears, I couldn't make out what they were saying, but it made them both smile as they pulled away.
I tuned out the interviewer as he introduced himself and us.
Then it hit me.
Louis' thigh was touching mine.
It was a weird thing to realize out of context, but it was the first time I had sat next to him in ages without him squirming or pushing himself as far away from me as he physically could.
I couldn't help but give Harry a startled look because whatever he was doing to Louis had to be magic. Louis didn't even seem to notice that he was touching somebody else.
He was leaning away from me just a bit, but only because he was resting his elbow against the arm of the sofa.
I had to give him credit; he was good at acting. His eyes were wide and alert, like he was actually excited for the interview and cared about what the interviewer was saying.
Then, eventually, "So a few months ago, there was this video taken. I assume you know which one?"
We all nodded. Louis' jaw tightened just slightly.
"What happened there? Everyone's been dying to know," the interviewer pressed.
Louis sighed heavily.
"Yeah. We've heard all the rumors, that we're breaking up, that Harry and I hate each other, that the whole band is just a mess," he said, "It's not true. None of it."
Harry put his arm around me and stretched slightly so that his fingers pressed into the side of Louis' neck. It was an intentional move. He knew that the fans would see it and read into it.
"It's...it was complicated. Obviously," Louis snorted, "To put it simply, Harry and I weren't getting along very well. I think I should make it clear that we've never hated each other. We were friends. He's still one of my best friends. It's just...God, I don't even know how to explain it."
He paused for a moment, chewing on his lip.
"It's hard to understand, coming from a position that isn't mine. Or any of ours. Watching somebody, your best friend, deteriorate and then try to kill himself and then waking up screaming because they didn't succeed...it's hard. It messes with you. And then the whole rehab process, seeing him once a week at best...he didn't talk to us, to anybody but his mum, for months. That messes with you. We've shared years of each other's lives, the whole band, and we know each other better than anything but all of a sudden, I had no idea who the hell was sitting in front of me. And then I would have to go home and not be able to sleep because my mind wouldn't shut up and I was confused and hurt and angry and scared and every emotion I could possibly feel."
Louis' voice was shaking. It was hard for him, saying everything out loud in front of everyone. The worst part was that most of it was true.
"This is kind of a long explanation, so hopefully you're bearing with me," he said, his mouth twitching into a sarcastic smile, "Anyways. I had to deal with that for six months. I slept, I don't know, what was it lads? Two or three hours a night at best?"
Harry's hand was still on Louis, gently stroking his neck. I had a feeling that it was how Louis was able to keep talking.
"And then I came home," Harry said quietly, "And it got bad."
"Worse," Louis agreed, "We lived together for a bit. He wasn't allowed to live by himself so I volunteered. Like I said, I didn't understand him anymore. It was like living with a stranger."
"We had stupid fights about everything," Harry added, "We were completely different people and it was weird and we didn't know how to deal with it. Instead of sitting down and talking about it like normal people, we just fought."
"About everything," Louis said, "It wasn't ideal for either of us. He'd just gotten out of rehab and I was hardly emotionally stable. So he moved out."
"We didn't talk much after that. We bickered when we were around each other and that interview, um. We'd fought about something stupid right before and I was being mean and picking on him during the interview and backstage, we both just...lost it, I guess," Harry sighed, "It had been escalating and getting worse and we snapped."
"I genuinely don't remember anything. Just one second, I pushed you because you pushed me and the next I was on the ground. And it...I hate saying it. But I was so mentally not there, I guess, and that was just like my breaking point. So I left for a few weeks just to give us some space and I came back and yeah," Louis said quietly.
Harry leaned back behind me. Louis covered his microphone and tilted his head.
"You okay?" Harry murmured.
Louis nodded quickly and give him a small smile. Harry moved back.
"And then when I came back...it wasn't really okay at first. Not completely. But we lean on each other a lot now. I do, at least. Dunno what I'd do without him, actually. It's kind of scary, coming back into the real world after my mind decided to destroy itself. And Harry knows what that's like. So. Yeah. We're good now," Louis said carefully.
"Very," Harry added.
The rest of the interview passed easily. Louis was getting restless by the end.
When the cameras stopped recording and we shook hands with the interviewer, Louis immediately found Harry and started talking to him quickly and quietly.
I could hear the fans screaming behind us and I knew that they wanted us to say hi but i knew that Louis wasn't going to and that Harry was going to do whatever Louis did. Niall and Zayn were already making their way offstage.
I waved at the fans before leaving.