Untouchable

Chapter 8

A/N
Well.
The second half of this chapter ended up being a lot darker and confusing than I anticipated. I just wrote without really realizing what I was writing. Oh well. That's how some fillers are.
Love you!!
************************************

Louis's POV

When I came downstairs the next morning, Harry was standing in the center of our living room. A suitcase sat next to him.
My heart rose into my throat.
He looked up, his expression completely blank.
"I'm moving out," he said.
I couldn't say anything.
"This was a horrible idea in the first place. My therapist hated the idea; I didn't think that she would allow me to live with my biggest trigger. I never wanted to. But some stupid, stupid part of me begged her. I have no fucking idea why I did it," he sighed, "She said that I could give it a few weeks and see how I felt about it then. And this is how I feel about it."
He was holding his keys, I realized. He tossed them from hand to hand, speaking to them instead of me.
"This is just too much too soon. I can't do this. It's not healthy for me, and quite frankly, I don't think that it's healthy for you either. We can't...it's completely unrealistic to expect you and I to try and rebuild whatever relationship we can with each other when we're each other's triggers. It's impossible for us to recover when we can't have space to breath and get away from each other. This whole thing...it was just an utopian idea. Completely unrealistic," he continued.
I swallowed hard and stared at the floor. I refused to let him see me cry.
"Louis, listen, it's enough stress and pressure coming out of rehab and having to be so close to you all the time is driving me somewhere that I can't go back to. We fight all the time and it's a negative environment and it's not good. This is better for both of us. We can't be together all the time. I need to get away from you and I think that you need it just as much. You're miserable like this, I know you are," he said.
I'm more miserable without you, I wanted to say. I tried to open my mouth to speak, but my throat was dry and I made a horrible clicking sound instead.
It almost felt like he was talking to himself. He didn't acknowledge me in the slightest as he spoke.
"Felix'll be by later to get the rest of my stuff, I think, cause I'm going out with some people," he mumbled, "I'm living with him."
He finally looked up at me for a split second, eyes burning a million emotions into mine before he turned back to looking at the floor.
"I'm doing it for both of us, you know," he said quietly, "I'll get Felix to bring the keys back whenever he comes by to get the rest of my stuff later."
He picked his suitcase up and shuffled out without another word.
I stood staring at the spot that he had been in until a pathetic whine came loose from my throat and I dropped to my knees. I crawled over to the sofa and curled up on it.
I couldn't bear the thought of Harry leaving me again. I was scared that it would be another six months before he spoke to me again. I couldn't let him leave me a second time but I couldn't find the strength to get up and go after him.
I could feel a familiar fog creeping into my mind. I welcomed it. I needed to stop thinking for a while.
I was shocked back into reality when someone shook my shoulder.
"There you are," Felix murmured, "You're back now, yeah?"
I focused on him. He was uncomfortably close, his eyes bright green even though it was dark.
It was dark.
It had been the morning when Harry left.
He ran his fingers through my hair, a startlingly intimate gesture. He rested his hand on my forehead, like he was checking for a temperature. I shut my eyes for a moment, wanting to purr at his gentle touching.
"There. Think you can sit up? I'll get you something to drink," he coaxed, putting his hand under my lower back as I struggled into a sitting position.
I blinked owlishly at him. Harry had left me for him. I didn't like him. I didn't want to like him. But I couldn't say that. I couldn't say anything.
My stomach had been carved out for this huge ball of sadness. I just felt sad. Harry had left me again. I'd let him.
I started when Felix appeared again with a glass of water in his hand.
"C'mon, Louis. You've had nothing to drink all day," he was saying five minutes later, coaxing me to take a sip.
I was curled against the arm of the sofa, staring over his shoulder. I didn't want anything to drink unless it would get me drunk.
"Look, Louis, I know he left you and I know it hurts, but c'mon, just take the water," he urged.
A full-bodied shudder went through me. He placed the cup in my hand, expecting me to take it. I let it slip through and it fell to the floor, spilling on the carpet.
"I thought he was stubborn," Felix muttered, getting up and disappearing into the kitchen.
I stuck my toe into the water. It was cold. He came back with a towel and another glass. I flicked the water at him.
He set the glass by my foot and sat down next to me, carefully keeping distance between us.
"Louis...you've got to understand how triggering you are for him. I don't know if you've noticed, but he's not as strong as he was before he started living with you. He's wearing rubber bands and the next step after that is to start cutting again. It's hurting him to hurt you and it's hurting him to be so close to you. He's doing it because he knows that if he kept staying with you, bad things would inevitably happen," Felix sighed.
"You're saying that because you're in love with him," I croaked, "You win. You get him."
He shook his head.
"His happiness is the most important thing to me. I don't care if he doesn't feel the same way as long as he's happy. It may sound crazy to you, but I swear it's true," he insisted.
I didn't reply.
"He was so upset last night after he read the letters you wrote him. He didn't tell me anything you said but he was in tears. He just kept repeating 'I can't believe I did that to him, I can't believe I did that to him' over and over. He thinks that he gives the both of you some space away from each other, you'll both have time to heal because he knows you need to heal too, not just him," Felix explained.
"I don't need to heal. I'm fine," I said, not even bothering to sound convincing.
"You're forgetting that I know what happened," he said.
I shivered again.
"You always have to bring that up, don't you?" I hissed.
"Does he know?" he asked.
I shook my head.
"Are you ever going to tell him?"
I shook my head again.
"Why?"
I whirled towards him, knocking the second glass of water over.
"Why does it fucking matter to you? He doesn't care, okay? He's told me himself! If he doesn't care, then he doesn't need to know," I spat.
"He cares, Louis. He just wants you to think he doesn't," Felix said, eyeing the growing puddle on the floor.
"Harry wouldn't lie to me," I said.
We both heard the uncertainty in my voice.
"Maybe he wouldn't have lied to you before. But if he's trying to protect himself, he will now," Felix said.
"He wouldn't lie to me," I insisted, "Just go get his stuff and leave."
He snorted quietly.
"His stuff is already at my house, Louis. He sent me here to check on you," he said.
"Tell him I'm fine. I'm happier without him," I snarled.
"You've not been happy in ages," Felix said, "Now will you drink and eat something? You're going to dehydrate yourself."
I rolled my eyes at him.
"If I do, will you leave?" I hissed.
"Yes," he said.
I glared at him a moment more before getting up and storming towards the kitchen. I downed a glass of water and yanked open a bag of crisps.
"Now leave," I spat.
He stared at me and nodded.
"He just wants to make sure you're okay. He still loves you," he murmured.
"Get out!" I snarled, making to push him out if I had to.
"Alright," he said.
He turned around and shuffled out, the door clicking shut behind him.
The second that I heard the door close, I sunk down with my back against the table and burst into tears. I'd been holding them back since Felix had pulled me out of whatever head space I had been in and they finally spilled over.
I huddled on the floor and shook.
I needed Harry. As much as he hurt me, he kept me grounded and sane. I couldn't live alone again. I was afraid of what I would do to myself. Harry had never looked after me, but his presence had been enough.
I needed him like a child needs a nightlight. I was scared to live without him. I'd grown used to him being with me after just a few short weeks.
I could feel my thoughts getting foggy as my mind retreated to where it would be safe. I pushed the thick, grey tendrils away and stood up. I stumbled, catching myself on the counter with a sob.
I felt so overwhelmingly sad and abandoned. Harry had abandoned me. Maybe it was better for him, but it wasn't better for me.