Untouchable

Chapter 13

Harry's POV

The story was that I had gotten a nosebleed, which had made Louis get sick. Louis didn't have a record of being squeamish, so I had a feeling that nobody believed us.
The performance itself was probably the worst we had ever done. I stumbled over most of the words of my solos and none of us were focused. Liam looked near tears and when I wasn't singing, I had to keep dabbing at my bleeding nose.
I hit the last note of Little Things and as soon as we were dismissed, I ran off the stage.
"Where is he? Fuck, I need to apologize, where is he, Liam, I need to talk to him," I begged.
Liam shook his head.
"He's not stable right now, H. The last thing he needs is you," he said quietly.
"I can help though; I know how he feels! I've gone through panic attacks before. Liam, I need to see him, you don't understand," I insisted, "I have to talk to him."
He sighed, suddenly looking more tired than I had ever seen him.
"Now where have I heard that before?" Liam muttered, a bitter edge to his voice.
"What'd I do? Why'd Louis react like that?" I asked.
Liam brushed past me and walked down the hall.
Niall patted my shoulder before darting after him.
"What happened?" I asked Zayn.
"I think, Harry, that it's time that you learned what it's like to have your questions unanswered," he said.
I scowled at him.
"Listen to me, Zayn. There's something you guys have been hiding from me for ages and I think I deserve to know what it is. So are you going to tell me or not?" I snarled.
"Calm down," he murmured.
"That's not an answer!" I spat.
He put his hand on my arm.
"Listen, Harry. You just got into a fight with Louis. I get that your adrenaline might still be high right now, but don't you dare start with me," he said lowly.
"You don't know how much I care about him, Zayn," I whined, "He means everything to me. I'm so worried."
"Maybe you should have treated him like he meant everything to you," Zayn said, "I know you were doing it to protect yourself and that he didn't make it much easier, what with how moody he is. Even from the beginning, when he wasn't the best of friends to you, he still cared about you. He still does. It hurt him to think you just stopped caring."
"You know I care about him! I love him!" I hissed.
"He doesn't know that, Harry! I might, but he doesn't! Louis is programmed to think he's disgusting and worthless. You tell him anything deprecating to him and he'll believe you in a heartbeat," Zayn growled, "That's just how he is now. You never took the time to understand that, even when he tried time and time again to reach out to you. He wanted to apologize and you never let him."
My head spun. I was light-headed from the heavy weight of Zayn's words.
"I needed time away from him. He wanted to be friends and I couldn't do that. I had to leave him," I groaned, "And it really does help. It hurts less when I'm not always surrounded by him. I never wanted to hurt him, Zayn, God, you know that. I just didn't know what to do."
Liam came rushing back, face grim.
"We've got to get out of here now. Somebody, I don't even know who, I never saw anybody, somebody videoed you two fighting and they've got it all the way up until Louis went into the bathroom. The media's exploding, we have to go," he said, "People saw your nose and your hands are all swollen and cut up and how we were all acting and they know Louis isn't just squeamish."
Had they not physically dragged me outside, I would probably have passed out. It was so much to handle all at once and my head spun wildly and my wrists burned. My stomach churned, fear and stress rising in my throat.
"Think I'm gonna be sick," I mumbled as they herded me towards my car.
Liam shoved me a few feet away from them before I doubled over, vomiting across the pavement.
I could vaguely hear cameras. I wasn't sure if the spots in front of my eyes were from their flashes or because I was so light-headed.
Liam pressed my inhaler into my hand and I took a puff of it, trying not to think about Louis using it.
Niall handed me his water and I used it to rinse out the bitter taste in my mouth.
"Thanks," I muttered.
"Are you okay to drive? Be completely honest," Liam asked.
I considered it. The brief flash of panic had passed and I was feeling better. My stomach still churned and the stress I felt was above average, but I wasn't dizzy.
"I think so. Look, I'll pull over or call somebody if I don't think I can," I said.
"Come over to mine. All of you," Liam demanded.
I bit my lip. I'd been planning to go to Louis' and I had a feeling Liam knew that.
"Give him some time and if he wants to talk, he'll talk," he said gently.
I nodded.
We parted ways and drove separately to Liam's. We'd left before too many paps could surround the building. When I got to Liam's, I stayed in my car for a minute, watching the video. I had to give the person credit; it was good quality. You could hear everything, see everything. Blood flooded into my mouth with how hard I was biting down.
What I was watching was not Louis and I. We weren't that vicious, that deadly. It wasn't just a tussle, that was obvious. He'd wanted to hurt me and I'd wanted to hurt him.
The camera managed to capture the exact moment that he had changed his demeanor. I cried my way through my hand on his throat and I forced myself to watch all over again as he writhed on the floor. I couldn't make out exactly what he was saying in the video, which was good.
"Please, please, I'm sorry," echoed in my ears.
I scrolled through analysis after analysis on Twitter. Red circles highlighted my nose and knuckles and the other reddening areas where he had hit me. Paragraph after paragraph was written about how we were acting during the songs.
I choked mid-swallow as I came across a new picture. Somebody had gotten a picture of Louis coming out afterwards, only one as far as I knew.
I had to put my phone aside for a moment and concentrate on not getting sick a second time.
His lip was swollen and purple and there was a cut above his forehead, but that was the least alarming part of the picture. He seemed to be trying to get away from Paul, who was all but carrying him. Louis's face was blotchy from crying. It was the distress and fear that made me nauseous, though. His eyes were feral and terrified, his mouth open in a silent scream. Paul had his eyes shut; I couldn't tell if he was blinking or if he couldn't bear to look at Louis any more than I could.
I flung open my door and retched, but nothing came up. My eyes burned and my ribs ached. Louis must have gotten a shot at them.
I stood, my head swimming for a moment before I made my way inside.
Niall and Zayn were already there.
"It's bad. They can't get rid of that fucking video no matter how hard they try. It's spreading too fast," Niall murmured, "And the pictures. There's a few decent shots of you getting sick."
I sat down silently. I could feel the blood draining from my face.
They watched me warily.
"He called," Liam said after a moment's hesitation.
My head snapped up.
"What'd he say? Is he okay? Does he hate me?" I asked.
Liam shook his head.
"He's okay. Not entirely there, but okay," he answered, "I didn't mention you. I don't know how he feels about you and I didn't want to upset him."
"Where is he?" I asked.
Liam shrugged.
"Didn't say. I really only talked to him for less than a minute," he replied.
I chewed on my lip. It was raw and sore.
"I want to know what happened," I mumbled helplessly.
I felt like a broken record; my only thought was about getting to Louis and apologizing.
"You know how you didn't want us to tell him that you were in love with him? It's the same thing. He demanded that we tell him, but we didn't. It's his choice to tell you himself or not," Liam said.
I was beyond frustrated. The way that Liam spoke so calmly made me irrationally angry.
"Why didn't you protect him? You should have kept him safe! Why didn't you? I couldn't be there to protect him, so you should have!" I snarled, jumping up.
Liam stood as well, striding close to me so that our chests nearly touched.
"I did everything I could to help him and you never lifted a finger! You weren't the one to hold him when he cried because his best friend was shutting him out! You weren't the one to wipe the vomit off of his chin or brush his teeth because he was too drunk to do it himself or wrestle the vodka away from him! You weren't the one who had to listen to him say he wanted to kill himself for hours! You never did a fucking thing for Louis even though you love him! Don't you dare say I didn't protect him because I was there for him when you couldn't care less!" Liam roared.
I probably would have hit him had Zayn and Niall not pushed us apart then.
My vision blurred red and my nose gave a sharp throb. If I tried to fight Liam, it would result in much more than a broken nose. My poor nose had taken so much abuse. First, when Liam had hit me a few weeks prior and then Louis breaking it.
I squeezed my eyes shut and exhaled slowly.
"Sorry," I muttered.
I sat back down and tried to discreetly dig my nails into my wrist. They didn't say anything, but with the way they were staring at me, it probably would have been hard not to notice.
"I'm sorry too," Liam sighed, "We're both really stressed and on edge."
I nodded. The amount of stress was almost tangible. I could feel it pushing down on my shoulders, making them ache.
My throat hurt in the way that it did before I started to cry. I blinked rapidly, refusing to cry in front of them. It was kind of pointless, really. They'd seen me cry hundreds of times.
"I guess the question is what happens now," Zayn mused, "Are we addressing the video or what? People are going to want answers."
Niall shook his head.
"I think for the time being, we ignore it. We don't acknowledge it; we lie low for a bit. We're going to need to anyways, what with Louis and all," he said.
I retreated as far back into the armchair as possible. I hated feeling so guilty. I loved Louis and all I did was hurt him.
"Hey, H, don't look like that," Niall said gently, "You didn't know. You still don't know. Something was bound to happen at some point anyways, what with how he's been acting. He was drinking again and he's depressed and nobody even understands his mood swings, but. He was going to have a breakdown with or without your assistance. I mean, really, he's probably had one before, maybe several, just not to this magnitude."
I grimaced.
"I just don't like feeling so guilty," I sighed, "And I wanna know what's going on."
They all stared at me.
"How many times have we heard that before, lads?" Zayn said, "Really though, mate. Hypothetically, if Louis doesn't talk to you for six months and you feel like this the entire time, how would you feel by the end?"
I groaned, rubbing at my eyes.
"I know. I know I fucked up, but you've got to understand that it was the best descision for me. I thought about me for once instead of Louis being the center of everything in my life," I muttered, "And look. It helped."
"He doesn't see it that way. You gave him no explanation, no reason behind shutting him out. In his eyes, you abandoned him and now he's convinced you couldn't care less about him," Zayn sighed, "I'm not blaming you, H, if it helped you. I'm glad you're healthy again. I'm just saying that you might want to explain that to Louis."
"You blame me for hurting him when I came back though," I said quietly, "You all do."
There was a hesitation before Zayn nodded. Liam and Niall simply looked uncomfortable.
"I don't think...I don't think you understand what my situation is like. Louis looks like shit and I still think he's the most beautiful person ever. I'm so in love with him and six months did shit to make it stop. It still hurts, more than it ever did. You can't know how much it hurts to see him like this and be so completely helpless. I want him to be happy and I know I hurt him; I'm selfish, I know, but I don't deserve him at all. I don't want to hurt him ever. Maybe I was trying to make a clean break, hurt him until he gave up and couldn't be hurt by me anymore. And sometimes I gave into him. I couldn't help but care about him, show him how much I care. He makes me so weak; he holds so much power over me. Don't think that I like hurting him; I hate it!" I blurted.
There was a few beats of tense silence before Liam's phone rang. He scrambled to get it.
"Lou," he muttered before jumping up and quickly exiting the room.
I started to get up to follow but a quick glare from Zayn sat me back down again.
It wasn't very long before Liam came back. We all looked at him expectantly.
"It was Paul. Lou's still not all the way 'there' but he figured he'd call and update us," he said.
"So? What'd he say?" I demanded.
Liam shrugged.
"Not much, really. Louis won't let him come closer than like three feet away from him, so. Lou's been on the phone with his therapist since he left, but he's not talking to either him or Paul," he sighed, "He's just sitting on his sofa and shaking."
This time when I bit down on my lip to keep from crying, the pain itself was enough to make me tear up. The skin was completely raw and it hurt in a bad way.
"God, what'd I do to him?" I groaned, digging the heels of my palms into my eyes.
"Paul, um. I talked to him and he said that we may as well tell you what happened. Like, yeah, we said that it was up to Louis, but you should probably know so something like this doesn't happen again. Paul said that Louis doesn't seem like he'll want to talk about it any time soon, anyways," Liam said slowly, "I still think we should get permission from Louis, but he probably doesn't want to hear about you either, no offense."
I sat forwards, very much like a child awaiting an exciting story. I knew the story wouldn't be exciting though.
"So, we're doing it?" Niall asked.
Liam nodded.
"You wanna tell it, then? He told you directly," Zayn said.
Liam nodded again. He took a slow, shaky breath and there was a silence that stretched endlessly while he tried to think of what words to say.
"We knew Louis wasn't doing well. It wasn't like it is now, naturally. We had just gotten him to stop drinking so he was rather snappish every time we got him out of your place. Anyways, we were at mine and he stood out on the balcony for like a really long time. He was smoking at first, just to take his mind off drinking, I guess, but he stayed out there after he was done and it was pretty cold, too. Niall went out-"
Niall put his hand up, cutting Liam off.
"I went out. Louis was just kinda standing there and we talked for a while. He said that he wanted to disappear which kinda freaked me out, but he said he didn't necessarily want to kill himself. We started talking about you and he said something about how if you had told him you were in love with him, he wouldn't of freaked out. So, I kissed him and judging by his reaction, yes, he would have freaked out had you told him. But that pissed him off, naturally," Niall said.
He spoke about kissing Louis as if it were the most casual thing. I knew from experience that it wasn't. Kissing Louis was revolutionary; it was life changing. It was fire and ice at the same time, beautiful and breath-taking. Kissing Louis felt like it could create world peace. I couldn't understand how Niall wasn't addicted like I was.
"Yeah. Anyways, they came back inside and we watched some movie and there was a scene where a girl slit her wrists and killed herself. Obviously, Louis didn't take to that well; he stormed out and didn't answer when we called. We didn't really think anything of it. He stormed out of places all the time," Liam continued, "I was getting ready to visit you and he texted me, telling me that he needed me, so I went to him and let Niall and Zayn go visit you. So, I went inside and he was sat on his sofa. He showed me Eleanor's ring; she had broken up with him before he texted me. He told me that he had tried to sleep with some random guy the night but apparently it hurt too much and he was too scared. When Louis told the guy to stop, he apparently didn't believe him for a while but when he did, he hit him and called him a whore, which-"
"Which was why he reacted the way he did when I said it," I said slowly.
My head was swimming and I knew that if I said any more, I would vomit.
"Bingo," Zayn said, "But the whole thing was basically the line that Louis crossed. I remember quite clearly coming to his house after Liam called us and hearing Louis say how much he wanted to die, over and over again. We sent him to Doncaster and I never went, Liam did, but Louis wouldn't talk to anybody. He laid in bed all day and took showers that lasted for hours when he got up. If anybody provoked him, he'd curse and yell until they went away, even his little sisters. Stan literally carried him, kicking and screaming, out the door when they made him go to a therapist. It did help, gradually."
"He made a quick recovery when we said that there was a chance you might be allowed to live with him. It was too quick. He wanted nothing more than to have you back. He went insane without you and I think part of him thought that his mind would be healed as soon as he saw you. But obviously he went downhill rather quickly when you moved out. Maybe it started before that; I don't know. When I was in the bathroom with him earlier, he was like scrubbing at his skin and telling himself how disgusting he was," Liam added.
I was freely crying. I hated seeing Louis hurt and hearing how he'd gotten so messed up hurt more.
"I think it was the guilt and fear that really got under his skin. He's said himself that it wasn't rape. He contacted the guy, we don't know who he was, and Louis initiated it. But he didn't really want to; he knew he didn't. I can't imagine how scared and out of control he felt. And he felt so guilty for cheating on Eleanor even though they weren't even trying to pretend they didn't want to break up. I think that mixed in with how scared and used he felt and the guilt he felt over you coupled with the insomnia and alcohol just got too much for him and he lost it," Zayn said.
"Can I see him? Please, I have to see him!" I begged, choking back a sob in order to speak.
Liam looked at his phone.
"We can...I think we can take you to his place, yeah," he said.
The ride over was painful. I needed to get there. I needed to apologize and beg him for my forgiveness that I didn't deserve. I needed to make sure that he was okay. I wanted to baby him, to tend to his every need until he got better.
I didn't care how I felt. I needed Louis, no matter how much it hurt.
I bounded into his house. It was silent. I stopped. I knew immediately that he wasn't there. I couldn't feel his presence.
"You lied!" I accused Liam, "You lied to me! You said I could see him!"
Liam shook his head.
"I said I'd take you to his house," he said quietly, "Paul took Louis to the airport. He needed to just get Louis away, he said. Management has given us three and a half weeks off so Louis can get his head back in the right space and they'll be pretty light with his work load until they see he's gotten completely better."
"I think I need to lay down," I said, so dizzy that I could hardly stand.
Upon instinct, I made my way up the stairs and into Louis' room. I stopped short in the door.
It was a mess and not in the typical Louis sense. It seemed like everything was broken. His wardrobe was toppled over, his television broken on the floor. Picture frames were shattered, as was his mirror and lights. Clothes were everywhere and. One of the posts on his bed was broken off and hanging out of a hole in the wall. I could see into his toilet and everything in there was thrown around as well. I could see the spidering cracks in the mirror.
The resonating anger was palpable in the room.
I sat down on his bed, the sheets thrown into a corner.
Even though I was amidst destruction, I still felt like the most broken thing in the room.