Untouchable

Chapter 23

Harry's POV

I genuinely didn't know what I was supposed to do.
I loved Louis. And I believed he loved me.
But I had no idea what our limits were even though we talked about them extensively. Kissing was fine, more than fine. Touching above the waist was okay too, to an extent.
It was just so easy to forget about them.
It had really only been a week of us officially being together when we decided on our limits. We'd been snogging on the couch and of course I let my hands wander to his arse- it was too tempting not to.
Apparently he didn't feel the same way.
He'd freaked out, for lack of a better word, because he'd locked himself in his room and refused to come out for two hours.
Then we'd set boundaries.
There were certain things he just wasn't comfortable with yet, Louis had explained, no matter how much he reminded himself it was just me, he couldn't get the image of whatever guy who had hurt him out of his head.
I was fine with it. I knew we'd both have our own difficulties.
The way he glared at me when I left a tiny bit of pizza on my plate after we ordered it was obvious.
"I'm full," I explained.
Louis just narrowed his eyes.
"Louis, I swear I'm fine. I can be full too, you know. Just because I have a little food left over doesn't mean I'm starving myself," I said.
"Humor me," he sighed.
I rolled my eyes, but I ate the final few bites anyways.
"I'm going to throw up on you," I mumbled afterwards, my head in his lap.
"Don't joke about that," he snapped.
"I didn't mean- Louis, I meant because I'm so full," I said.
"I don't care," he muttered, "That's not how it sounds to me."
I knew he was just being overly protective and as irritated as I was, I couldn't help but hide a smile in his shirt.
Being in love with somebody that loved me back was a wonderful feeling. I knew things could go horrifically wrong, but at the moment, I couldn't see how they could.
"I'm sorry," I said, pressing a kiss to his hip.
I felt his fingers twitch on my back.
I smiled to myself again.
"I, um. I was thinking. I asked my mum if she wanted to skype later on and I, um, wanted to know if you wanted to with me. And like, tell her? About us?" Louis said carefully.
He was nervous and I found it absolutely endearing. Honestly, I'd probably find it endearing if he murdered somebody.
I knew Jay would be okay with it. There's been a time where she had pulled me aside and asked if Louis and I were together behind her back. Then, the answer had been a sad 'no'. But now, it wasn't quite the same.
She'd been genuinely surprised when I had told her that we weren't, and she had even said that if her son ever got his head out of his ass, her exact words, that she would be perfectly okay with it.
"You've got nothing to be afraid of," I said, rolling over onto my back so I could look up at him.
"Not with me mum, no," he said, "I know she's okay with it. She'll be over the moon, probably. But I don't know about my sisters or Dan, you know?"
"They'll be fine too. Dan's a great guy, Lou, your mum wouldn't be engaged to him if he wasn't. And your sisters love you more than anything. Sure, they might be upset that they aren't the Tomlinson that I'm in love with, but they'll get over it soon enough," I assured him.
"Still. I have the right to be nervous. Your family knew without you ever needing to say anything. It's the actual saying it that I'm afraid of. I just don't know what or how to do it," Louis sighed.
His fingers drummed a silent beat on my shoulder.
"I'll say it, then," I said, "Or we can answer the call while I'm snogging you and they can figure it out themselves."
It earned a half-hearted laugh, at least.
"And then there's this part of me that's just like, what if they don't accept me? I can't do this without my family, H," he said.
The tapping on my shoulder sped up.
"Louis, don't be stupid. They'll love it," I chastised gently, "Your mum used to call me your husband, for the love of God. Don't worry about what the girls thing. The little ones won't care and the older ones won't either because they want what's best for you after seeing you hurting for so long. And you know Dan's an amazing guy. If your mum likes it, which there's no question about it, so will he. Even if she didn't, but she will, he'd accept you anyways, I know it."
"You can't just know that," Louis said quietly, absently pulling his fingers through my hair.
"But I do," I said.
He gave me a small smile.
"It's okay to be scared," I continued, "I'd be worried if you weren't; it's only natural."
Louis nodded.
"You know," I said slowly, "We don't have to do it today. Not if you don't want to."
He hesitated and my heart dropped. But then he sighed and shook his head.
"I don't see why we shouldn't do it now. I'm going to be equally as nervous today than if we do it two weeks from now," he said.
I smiled.
"I love you," I murmured into his thigh.
It felt so weird, saying it, and knowing he would probably say it back and mean it the way that I meant it. It was exhilarating and absolutely terrifying. The couple days that I had stayed the night with him, I'd been so terrified and excited that I hadn't been able to get much sleep.
And he knew, he really did. Louis tried his hardest to make me comfortable with him and make sure that I was okay. He'd do anything to make me happy, he'd said several times.
It worried me, though.
He and I were both so desperate to make it work that sometimes I wondered if he would do something he didn't want to just because he thought it would make me stay. Granted, I wasn't planing on going anywhere, but I didn't know exactly how his mind worked. I knew he wasn't totally comfortable if I let my hands wander, especially below his waist, but he never said anything until it got to be too much.
It worried me, was all.
The rest of the day passed by unbearably slowly.
Louis was fidgety and restless, constantly getting up and moving around. He took two showers just for something to do. When I offered to join him, he had given me an absolutely withering look.
I made us dinner using what I could find in the darkest corners of his kitchen and he just picked at it, drumming his fingers on the table.
"I think I'll be sick if I eat any more," Louis finally admitted, pushing away his plate.
I wanted to know how he could even be sick from the two tiny bites he had taken.
"I'm offended," I said, trying to joke with him and get him to relax.
He gave me a tiny smile.
As soon as I finished, he jumped up and hastily cleared our plates, leaving them in the sink for me to do later.
"Can we just get this over with?" he blurted as soon as he turned around.
"We don't have to do this now," I said, slightly insulted, "Not if you don't want them to know yet."
Louis shook his head.
"It's not that I don't want them to know, love. You know I do. I'm just scared," he sighed.
"Then let's do it. You're making ME nervous, now," I said.
He nodded, but he didn't make a move to follow me as I started to leave the room.
"Louis?" I asked.
He didn't look up.
"Louis," I repeated.
"What," he mumbled.
He still didn't move.
"Your laptop is in your bedroom," I prompted, "We should go to your bedroom. To get your laptop."
"I don't think I can do this," Louis said quickly, finally looking up.
His eyes were suspiciously shiny and he seemed about a second away from a mental breakdown.
"Oh, Lou," I said.
I tried to go over to him, but he held up his hands and shook his head.
"Please don't," he said, "I might actually be sick on you."
"What do you want me to do?" I asked, "I'll do it."
He shifted nervously and ran his hands through his hair.
"I can't do this. I can't look at them and tell them that I'm gay and I've got a boyfriend and I just can't go this," Louis said frantically.
"I thought you weren't gay," I said, "Pan, or something."
"Does that really fucking matter right now?" he snapped, "Either way, I'm dating somebody who quite clearly is not a woman and I need to tell my family. I don't know how they'll react for sure and I think I'm going to be sick. Can't you just shut the fuck up and not try to be all 'therapist' for once?"
I recoiled. I knew he was scared and upset but it still stung. A dull itch started in my veins and I promptly ignored it. I leaned against the wall and pressed my wrists against the cool surface. It helped, but only slightly.
"I just want to help," I said quietly, "I know it's not easy, Lou."
He laughed, but it was hollow and cold.
"Harry, you never had to tell anybody anything. You're such an open book, everybody knew anyways. Except me, of course, but that's besides the point. My family were the ones who supported me every time I called to rant about the gay rumors, you know that? My sisters comforted Eleanor when she got upset because of the hate. They stood up for me against the people who called me gay, for fucks sake! And now I'm telling them that that was all useless because I'm with you now and I don't know what they're going to think," Louis barked, and my chest ached when I saw his eyes overflow and he really started to cry, "I don't even know if they're okay with that or not, you know? And you're so fucking perfect, why can't you just...not be? God, even when I'm yelling at you, you're trying to hug me, get the fuck off!"
I stepped back, but I squeezed his wrist quickly.
"Come here," I said, "We're going to go upstairs and we're going to call your mum. I don't care if it's over the phone or on Skype and if it's her or your whole family. We're going to tell her that we're together. You don't need to put a label on yourself if you don't want to, there's no need for that. And if you're too scared, she can tell everyone else for you and you don't have to say anything to anyone but her, okay? You know she'll be happy no matter what, love. And so will your sisters and so will Dan. You're so lovely, Louis, it's impossible not to love you no matter what."
This time, he let me hug him. His shoulders shook and I had a feeling he was smearing snot on my neck.
"How about I call her? You don't even need to speak if you don't want," I suggested.
He shook his head.
"What do you want then, Louis?" I asked, helpless, "If it's scaring you this much, maybe we should wait a while."
Louis shook his head again, more frantically this time.
"I need to get it over with," he whispered.
"Let's go upstairs, at least. We can decide from there," I said.
He nodded and let me all but carry him to his room.
A few minutes later, we were sat on his bed facing each other, with his phone and computer between us. He looked pale, his hands shaking, and he was thinking so hard that I could all but hear it.
The decision was taken from him when his computer lit up with an incoming Skype call.
Louis paled even further.
"Think I need to sit down," he breathed.
"You are sitting down, love," I said gently, leaning forwards to answer the call.
"No, no don't- hello, mum," Louis said, crawling to sit next to me.
To his tangible relief, she was alone.
"Hello, love. Oh, hello, Harry," Jay said, leaning forwards and doing something, presumably adjusting the camera, "Sorry the girls aren't around. They're out to dinner with Dan."
"Why aren't you with them?" Louis asked, and it was so, so obvious how scared he was in the way his voice shook.
"Didn't want to cancel on you. I wasn't sure when we would be able to talk next," she explained.
Louis nodded and grabbed my hand, below the camera's line of view. His fingers squeezed around mine, so hard it was bordering painful.
"So, love, anything to update me on?" Jay asked.
And in that moment, I realized that she knew. Even through the horrible quality of Skype, I could see the sly twist to her smile. I looked over at Louis. He was frozen, his eyes wide. I wondered if he had realized she knew. I decided that he didn't. He squeezed my hand tighter and I swore I could hear the bones in my hand snap.
Louis stuttered for a few moments, nonsensical mumbling and half-sentences, until he looked at me for help.
"She knows, Lou," I said quietly, fighting laughter, "Relax."
"She knows?" he breathed.
"I know," Jay said, startling him, "Anne called me about a week ago with the news. Really, love, what took you so long to tell me?"
Louis looked down at our hands and his mouth tightened the way it always did when he was trying not to get emotional.
He shrugged. I hoped it came across through the camera.
"Dunno," he mumbled.
His thumb brushed against the back of my hand before he let go completely.
"Harry, do you think- could you maybe give me a bit of time with me mum?" Louis asked, his voice quivering.
"Of course. I'll be downstairs. You want me to make you tea or anything?" I asked.
Louis shook his head, carefully looking at my forehead instead of my eyes.
"Alright. Nice seeing you, Jay," I said, getting up.
I tried to lean forwards and kiss Louis once before I left, but he quickly turned back to face the computer and I caught a mouthful of hair instead.
I tried not to be hurt, but if I shut the door a little harder than was probably necessary, I couldn't be blamed.
I went down to the kitchen and made Louis tea anyways. I left it on the counter before heading into our sitting room and messing around on my own computer.
I didn't really accomplish much. I was too distracted.
Despite the quiet of the house, I couldn't hear Louis upstairs even though I strained my ears as hard as I could.
I wasn't offended that he needed private time with his mum, I completely understood it. I just couldn't get over the fact that he wouldn't let me kiss him. I wasn't about to snog him in front of Jay, he had to have known that. And what if he had known that? Was he embarrassed to kiss me in front of her? Did he think she would be disgusted by it?
My thoughts went in circles, climbing over each other and making my head hurt trying to figure them out.
I wasn't very secure about our relationship and we both knew that. I was still terrified of how much power Louis had over me. I had a hunch that he was just as scared of that as I was.
But if he knew how afraid I was, why wouldn't he kiss me?
It all came back to that.
I knew that I was probably overthinking it, but I couldn't help it. If I had it my way, I would never stop touching him, kissing him. He was worse than any drug I could think of.
An hour passed.
I gave up on my computer and just laid on the sofa and tried to stop thinking. I tried to sleep, but I couldn't do that either. I almost decided to cook something but I figured I might just end up ruining it by not paying attention.
Another hour passed.
I paced the room and was halfway up the stairs, ready to demand that Louis talk to me when I realized that that was in fact, not a good idea.
After nearly three hours, I finally heard the door to his room creak open and quiet footsteps heading down the stairs. I didn't turn around when he came into the room, but I kissed his hand when he put it on my shoulder.
"Can you- look at me, H," he said quietly.
I turned around and watched him crawl over the top of the sofa to sit next to me. It was less next to me than on top of me, actually.
"I'm sorry," Louis whispered, wrapping his arms around my neck and burying his face in my throat, "That was stupid."
I didn't say anything. I had a feeling that he didn't want me to. I just hugged him, my fingers settling into the curve of his back.
It took me a moment to realize he was crying.
He shook his head when I tried to ask him what was wrong.
"Just fucking hold me," he mumbled through his tears, and it was such a Louis thing to say that I almost laughed.
But then I remembered that something was upsetting him and I stopped.
"I made you tea. But it's probably gone cold," I said.
He snorted.
I laid back, tugging him with me as I went. I swore I could feel him smile.
"It's so stupid," he said finally.
"What is? Lou, what's wrong?" I asked, worried.
"Nothing is, is the thing, innit? Me mum's lovely about it and she said that she'd tell the girls as soon as she can get them together so I wouldn't have to. She said she was going to tell them but she didn't know if I would want them to know yet or not but she's told Dan 'cause he overheard her conversation with your mum," Louis explained, "It's just so perfect, you know? I must be pregnant or something, what am I so emotional for?"
I laughed out loud that time, glad nothing had gone wrong.
"All that worrying for nothing," I said.
He shrugged.
"So I guess the next step is to tell the rest of the band, then," he said slowly, "And what about our other friends?"
"Close friends," I said, "Ones who won't tell anybody. Like, well obviously Felix knows, but like, Stan and Nick and those kinds of people."
Louis nodded.
"You know, Niall asked me a few weeks ago if we were together and at the time, we weren't, but I think they know something's up," I said.
Louis sighed, "Yeah. They do. And I mean, Niall and Zayn'll be cool but I'm worried about Liam. He's so protective and I don't know what he'll think about us being together, since it's not really the safest option for our mental health."
"He wants us to be happy. And I'm so happy right now; I'm assuming you are too. It'll be fine," I assured him.
"They've all seen us go through a lot of shit. They've got every right to be apprehensive," Louis argued.
"Never said they didn't. I don't expect them to be totally overjoyed about it. I know they'll have their doubts, just like we did too," I said.
He rolled partially over so I could see his face. I hated how his eyes were swollen from crying, but I was happy that he had stopped.
"Kiss?" he asked.
I snorted and bent my head down awkwardly to do so.
I loved kissing Louis. I swore he was made for it. He knew exactly how to kiss me, when to bite and when to add a bit of tongue and when to keep it chaste.
The only problem was that I couldn't get over how amazing it was and it more often than not had me leaving the room to try and calm myself down.
He kept it relaxed though, nipping at my lip quickly before returning to the slow, easy kisses that I was so fond of. I could kiss him for hours and when he let me actually touch him, it was a whole different story. I knew not to go below his waist, but it was enough. I was obsessed with the feel of the skin of his back and chest under my hands and I knew, I knew he liked it when I played with his hair.
The best was the few times when I could get these little noises out of him. They weren't much, just soft sighs and once, a quiet, barely-there moan. I'd never seen him blush so hard and unfortunately, I'd had to run upstairs because it wasn't the only thing hard.
It was so pathetic, how easily I got worked up, but it wasn't horribly embarrassing. Louis was wonderful about it, like he was with everything.
"You know, me mum wants us to come down for a visit," Louis said finally, pulling away.
I took a moment to process what he had said, drunk off of him.
"Okay. Now will you quit talking about your mum and keep kissing me?" I asked.
He raised his eyebrows.
"Can you handle that?" he asked.
He rocked his hips down, a quick, unexpected moment. It was bold for him and I watched him carefully, wondering why he had done it.
I knew I was hard. I just had hoped he wouldn't notice.
"It's fine," I said quickly.
Louis snorted and sat up on his knees.
"Calm down a bit," he said, "I won't even banish you this time."
I laughed and sat up with him.
"To what do I owe this honor, then?" I asked.
Louis shrugged, his expression turning a little more troubled.
"I need to get used to the fact you've got a dick and dicks get hard at some point, don't I? Don't think I don't notice in the morning," he said, his mouth quirking up a little.
"Louis, if you're not comfortable-" I said.
He shook his head, cutting me off.
"I'll never know what I'm comfortable with if I don't push it, will I?" he said.
"Not quite sure that's the best way to go about it. I don't want you pushing it too much," I said.
He shrugged.
"It's the way I want to do it," he said.
I nodded carefully, not fully agreeing with him, but letting him have it.
"Look. I'm calm. Now will you kiss me?" I asked.
Louis laughed, sending me a bright smile. My chest ached.
"You're insatiable," he teased.
But he kissed me anyways.

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A/N

Hi! As always, I apologize for the painfully slow updates. High school sucks.
Anyways, as per usual, comment below if you have any ideas for a chapter or something!
Love you!!!!!
P.S
Does anyone want to transpose this entire series into third person? I hate first person with a passion. I know it's a lot to ask, but it would be doing me a huge, huge favor.