Untouchable

Chapter 22

Louis' POV

It was a little awkward, the first day. Harry came back from upstairs with a flaming red face and I couldn't imagine that I looked any better.
He was nervous and almost shy. We did what we could with the remnants of his breakfast and spent most of the day just sitting together and talking everything through.
Harry seemed not to know what our boundaries were. He would go to put his hand on my leg or my arm or anywhere and quickly draw it back and look at me for approval. He asked to kiss me if he wanted to.
We ate lunch and dinner quietly. It wasn't necessarily an awkward quiet but it wasn't completely comfortable. I felt like I had so much more to say to him but I couldn't put it into words.
Harry's phone kept ringing but he ignored it every time.
"Harry, you can't just keep ignoring him," I said, "Does he even know where you are?"
Harry shook his head irritably.
"I called him last night and told him. About everything. I don't want to know what he's going to say to me," he muttered.
"You're not being fair to him," I argued, "I know and you know how he feels about you and you know how you felt when I got engaged? That's probably how he feels right now, for all we know."
Harry frowned.
"He's not like that though," he mumbled.
"Not outwardly. You have no idea what's going through his head," I said, "Don't be such a hypocrite, Harry."
Harry rolled his eyes.
"You're not staying tonight, just so you know. You're going back to his place," I added firmly.
"Whatever," Harry mumbled.
"I'm serious," I snapped, "I will not let you fuck up your friendship for me."
"You don't even like him, Louis," he argued.
"True. But I like that he makes you happy and I like that he's helped you through everything. He's done more for you than I ever have, hell, he's done more than I ever will," I said.
"Louis," he said quietly.
"Don't pretend like that's not true. I put you in rehab and he brought you out," I said.
Harry was quiet.
I saved him the awkward moment of trying to think of what to say by pulling him in to kiss me. I kept it carefully innocent.
"You know, if you think he's better for you than me-" I said a little while later.
"Don't even go there, Louis," Harry said shortly, "Nobody is better for me than you."
I rolled my eyes.
"Even you have to know that that's absolute bullshit," I snorted.
"No. Not really. It's not you that wasn't good for me before, it was always in my own head. You yourself never did a thing," he sighed.
"Harry, you've said yourself that you ignored me because I wasn't good for you, don't lie to me," I said.
"Can we just stop? I'm tired of fighting with you," Harry said quietly, poking me with his toes.
I tried to smile at him but I couldn't help but think about how Felix was better for him.
"C'mon, Louis," he said, "It's supposed to be when we're old and senile that we fight so much, years down the road when we've been married for over fifty."
"You want to marry me?" I asked.
Harry flushed slightly and shrugged, but I could see a small smile tugging at his mouth.
"Yeah," he said quietly, "I've been in love with you for so long, it's all I've ever wanted."
"Maybe you'll find out that being with me isn't all it's cracked up to be," I said, "After all, I completely abandoned my last fiancée right after I proposed."
Harry's eyes darkened slightly. I knew it was a sore subject for both of us, but we had to bring it up at some point.
"You know, when I saw that ring, all that was going through my head was 'it's over, it's over'," he muttered, "I'm being completely honest when I say I really don't remember a whole lot. I don't even remember writing that letter to you. I think...I think I might have been pretty close to dead at one point because it got blacker than being unconscious, you know? And I think I might remember Liam trying to wake me up because my chest hurt really bad all of a sudden from him pushing on it, I think."
"She figured it out, Eleanor. After you left. But she wouldn't tell me because she thought you wanted it to be a secret and I can't stand the thought that if I had forced her to tell me, maybe I could have stopped you," I said.
It hurt a lot to remember everything, this dull pang in my chest. I had to press my fingers to his wrist to make sure I felt a pulse.
"You couldn't have. Even if you got there before I did anything, Louis, I was too far gone. I'd rather you never see me like that. I wasn't me for a really, really long time after that and maybe that was part of why I wouldn't see you. I didn't want you to see how fucked up I was," Harry said.
"I already knew you were," I said.
"Yeah but seeing it was different. I don't know if you ever saw Liam or Niall or Zayn or whoever but I did. I saw how they reacted to me. I wasn't sane, Louis. I never want you to see me like that. You think you know what I was like but you never saw me after I woke up. I mean, there was that time when you came to see me when you thought I was asleep," he said, his mouth twitching.
"You know about that?" I asked.
Harry snorted, "Of course I know about that. I was awake when you came in. And you told me in one of your letters."
"Oh," I said quietly.
"That's when I decided that I wasn't going to let you visit, actually. Just hearing you talk and say whatever it was that you said...it hurt too much," he sighed.
"I know. And it makes sense. But I don't think I'll ever quite forgive you," I admitted.
"I know. I don't expect you to," he replied.
It was quiet for a few moments.
"You know, I think I should go. I just need to think," Harry said suddenly.
I glanced at him.
"I just need to think," he repeated.
"I understand," I said.
Then with a hug and a kiss, he was gone.
I had no idea what to do with myself after that.
I wandered around my house, feeling incredibly lonely.
It gave me some time to think, though. I knew what I wanted, what I'd wanted for a while. It was just scary to have it actually happen.
Harry was afraid. It was obvious. It was a lot for him to handle without any warning. It was his most unlikely dream come true.
I wanted to know what was really going on in his head. Harry was never one to be overly articulate and while he did have his heart on his sleeve most of the time, sometimes he couldn't say out loud what he wanted. I didn't want to force him into anything that he didn't want.
At the same time, I didn't know what I would do if he changed his mind, if he decided not to believe me or if he just wasn't ready. I needed Harry like I needed to breathe, even more sometimes, it felt like. Maybe it wasn't healthy but I had to have him. I loved him more than I'd ever loved anybody else and I couldn't imagine a world without him.
I paced for a while more before I decided to do something probably incredibly stupid.
I called the one person who knew what went on in Harry's head more than I did.
Felix had given me his number when Harry had still lived with me, told me to use it if I didn't know what to do with Harry.
I supposed it was a sufficient time to use it. I had no clue what to do.
At the time, I'd sworn I never would use it, that I'd never voluntarily speak to him.
Felix, it seemed, remembered that as well.
"Thought you said you'd never call," he said as soon as he answered.
"You're hilarious, mate," I snorted.
"I know," he said, "So, are you in the middle of your gay freak-out or what?"
The thing was, he didn't even sound bitter. He just sounded sad.
"You know I'm not," I snapped.
"Do I? I want what's best for him, you know, and if you don't know if he's what you want-"
"He is. I swear he is," I said quickly, defensively, "This isn't a rash decision. I've thought about it for weeks."
"I figured," Felix sighed, "I do want what's best for him. I've had to see him hurt over you for so long. Excuse me for being a little cautious."
"Rightfully so," I said, slightly begrudgingly.
"I know you wouldn't call me just to chat. So what do you want from me?" he asked.
"I just- you know what's going on like, inside his head, don't you? You know him better than me. I just want to make sure I'm not pressuring him into anything he doesn't want," I said quickly.
Felix was quiet for a long moment.
"Of course you're pressuring him. You can't just present him with this huge decision and expect him not to be pressured. But it's not that he doesn't want it. He wants you more than anything else, as much as it pains me to say it. But he's not sure if it's good for him or not and that's what he's confused about," he said finally.
"Do you know what he's going to do?" I asked.
"We talked about it when he came back. He can't say no to you, Louis, he really can't. He's fucking terrified of what you could do to him but he's willing to risk it for you. He's not blindly deciding that, he's well aware of what he could be doing to himself, but he thinks this is what's best for him," he muttered.
"Do you think this is what's best for him?" I asked, almost afraid of what he would say.
He snorted.
"Can I really answer that? I'm head over heels for him, Louis, much in the same way he is for you. Some biased part of me is saying fuck no, I'm what's best for him. I'd never hurt him like you have. I know him better than anyone. But you make him happier than I ever could," Felix said, edging on a bitter tone, "I knew when I met him that I felt bad for whatever poor guy, or girl, fell him because they'd never have a chance to compete with you. And then I became that guy. And yeah, it really sucks and I hope I get over it one day but you can't meet him and not fall a little in love. But besides that, I hope you're happy with him too because he's an amazing guy, you know? And I hope you don't fuck it up because I won't let him go back to you in a million years if you hurt him again."
I figured that was as much of a blessing from him that I was going to get.
"What am I supposed to do?" I asked, hating how insecure I sounded.
"Do what you'd do with any significant other. He's no different. Do stupid romantic shit for him, you know how much he's into romance. Take him out to dinner, hold his hand, all that jazz. Buy him flowers on your one month anniversary or whatever. Just be normal. This isn't anything different than your normal, standard relationship and you can't think of it as being anything but that. Reassure him that you love him and you're not going to leave him. Cuddle him when he's feeling sad. Ask him to stay at your house for the night every so often. Have a sex life down the road when you're okay with it. Christ, do anything but make it a big deal. He needs normal. He doesn't need to be afraid," Felix said.
My head spun. I knew what he said made sense.
"Maybe you are better for him," I mumbled.
"That's exactly what you can't think, Louis," he snapped, "He'll know if you're second-guessing yourself and he'll think you're not comfortable with HIM."
"I know," I said quietly, "I'm just not sure how not to."
"Don't think about it as being a one-sided thing. He hurt you too," Felix said.
"I know," I said again, "But his was justified. He had every right to hate me. I didn't have any reason to be such an arse."
"Louis, Jesus Christ. Don't be so hard on yourself. The thing is, he KNEW that you were hurt. You didn't know anything about what was going on. I'd say you're equally at fault and to just try to move past it because it's not going to help you any," Felix said, sounding irritated.
"I'm sorry," I sighed.
"Yeah. I just- listen, please be careful, okay? With him. I don't need to see him how he was when he was first in rehab ever again, got that? He's my best friend and if you hurt him, I'll hurt you twice as much," Felix growled.
I wasn't entirely sure what to say to that, so I just nodded. Then I realized that nodding can't be communicated over the phone.
"Yeah. Um, yeah," I said.
"I'm not trying to be mean or anything, Louis. It's just...if he can't be with me, then I want him to end up with the best person possible, you know? And maybe that's you, I don't know. I'm just worried and very protective," he explained.
"I want the best for him too," I snapped.
"I know, don't get all defensive," Felix said, "I know you love him and that you care about him a lot. God, never thought I'd say this out loud but I'm so fucking jealous of you, Louis."
"Not much to be jealous of, mate," I said, "Not with me."
Felix actually laughed out loud at that.
"You've got to be joking," he snorted, "Are you that daft?"
I didn't say anything.
"God, you're- you're unbelievable. Nothing to be jealous of? Louis, you have no idea. You're famous, you're a fucking millionaire, billionaire maybe. Even more than that, you've got a great family that supports everybody in that family and you've got so many friends and fuck, you've got Harry now. Why shouldn't I be jealous of you?" he snapped.
"Because I'm fucked up in the head? Because I've hurt Harry more than I've ever done anything to help him? I cheated on my girlfriend, threatened to hurt my sisters, I'm a fucking alcoholic, I have some form of PTSD, I can't sleep when I don't know exactly what Harry's doing at that moment because I'm so afraid. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do! If anything, I'm jealous of you! You've got it all put together and you just seem to know everything!" I replied.
Felix just sighed.
"You just don't get it, do you?"
"Get what?" I asked.
"Never mind," he muttered, "You wouldn't understand. Is that all? Can I go now, cause it's really late."
Talking to him hadn't been as enlightening as I had hoped it would be. Harry made it seem like Felix knew the answers to everything. Maybe he just knew the answers to Harry.
"Tell him to...tell him to text me or call me or something in the morning," I said quietly.
"Yeah," he sighed, "I will."
That was it, other than a few tentative goodbyes.
I put my phone on a table and continued to pace.
It was the first night in what seemed like a really long time that I didn't sleep well. I had adapted in the past, functioning on three hours of sleep or less most of the time, but when I woke up early in the morning, I decided that that adaption was clearly gone. I checked my phone, not really expecting anything, and I was proven to be right.
I didn't hear from Harry for two days.
I understood that he needed his time to think and decide if he really wanted to try but really, was it so hard to just send me a quick message to let me know he was even alive? I hated not knowing what he was doing or where he was, almost to an obsessive point. Nearly a year later and the image of him when we found him on the floor of his room was still bright and clear in my head.
He finally came over at night on the second day, smile shy as I let him in.
"Sorry I haven't been talking to you," he said, "And it's kinda late. But I didn't want to wait for tomorrow."
I shrugged, "It's fine. You can take your time."
I went back into my kitchen where a bowl of vaguely stale cereal sat on a counter. He followed me, footsteps quiet behind me.
"I want to try, you know," he finally said.
Even though I had expected it, I couldn't help but grin at him.
"Yeah?" I asked.
Harry nodded.
"I've thought about it. Talked to Felix, my mum, even Gemma. You're not really Gem's favorite person, you know," he snorted, "But she said if I thought you were being sincere and if I thought it would be okay, then to go ahead."
I frowned slightly. I knew that his family couldn't be very fond of me, not after everything I'd done to him. It still hurt a little to hear. I loved them.
Harry noticed.
"It's fine. She's just really protective. My mum still adores you though. Thought she was going to cry or start making wedding plans or something," he said.
That put the smile back on my face.
I made a face at my cereal and carelessly tossed the bowl into the sink, to be washed sometime in the future. Maybe I'd get Harry to do it.
"Upstairs. I'm exhausted and I would like a cuddle while we talk," I ordered.
He just looked very warm and soft.
"Have you been sleeping?" Harry asked a few minutes later when we were nicely entangled under my duvet.
"Kind of. I was just worried about you," I said, "I'm a little...I get weird, I guess. If Gemma's protective, I don't want to know what I am. I just hate not knowing if you're okay at all hours of the day."
"It's okay. I get it. Sometimes I'm like that too. Especially when you left for those couple weeks and I didn't know where you were, if you were even alive, Louis."
His eyebrows crinkled and I tried not to be too terribly endeared. I kissed the little space between them in an attempt to soothe him. It didn't do anything but make him grin at me.
"What?" I asked.
"Nothing. Just. It's amazing, I guess. You," he said, border-line giggling as he pinched my hip.
"You're so stupid," I muttered, meaning it in the most affectionate way possible, "M'not very amazing, I'll have you know."
"You're the most amazing thing in the entire world to me," he said, all laughter out of his voice.
"Yeah?" I asked.
He nodded.
"We've got a bit of a problem then, because I happen to think that YOU are," I said.
I couldn't help but laugh at the way his face went a little red.
"I love you," he mumbled, "A lot. And I know it's going to be anything but easy, but I want this more than anything."
It went serious again.
"So do I," I agreed.
There was a short silence but it wasn't uncomfortable. I took the time to study him carefully, taking in the tiny details of his face.
"Do we um, when should we like, tell everybody? Not the world, but like. The boys. Management. Fuck, have you told your family?" Harry asked.
There was an element of distress in his voice and I quickly worked to remove it.
"It's okay, relax. No, I haven't told them. I wasn't sure if we were a sure thing yet. But I will. I'm not afraid of it. And the boys and management, I think we should wait a little, you know? Get comfortable with us first," I suggested.
Harry nodded.
"Would you, um. Would you ever want to like, come out?" he asked.
I'd thought about it extensively, even before I'd kissed him. I knew what I wanted and I could only hope it was what Harry wanted to. Coming out was massive, made even more difficult in our industry.
"Yeah. I'd like to, I think. One day. Not anywhere in the near future, you know? I want to make sure you and I are a sure thing before coming out with you. I want us to be, but you never know. The only thing harder than coming out would be to ruin our fans dreams about you and I together by saying we broke up. I just. I do, I definetely do want to come out with you at some point, babe. Just not soon," I said slowly.
He almost looked relieved.
"I want that too," Harry agreed, "I don't want to hide it though. Like I know we would like kiss or hold hands in public but I don't want to cover it up. I want to be able to like, flirt with you in interviews and touch you like we used to when we were younger. Elude to it but not outright say it, I guess."
I nodded.
"I'm okay with that," I said.
Harry smiled, that special little smile that I just knew was only for me.
"I talked to Felix," I said slowly.
Harry immediatly frowned.
"I thought you hated him," he said.
"Not fond of him. But I was so scared. I didn't know what you were feeling about all of this and what was going on in your head and he usually does, so I. Just called him," I explained.
He smiled again.
"That's cute," he mumbled, almost against his will, it seemed, "That you were so concerned that you called him."
"Shut up," I snorted, shoving at his shoulder, but he just grinned.
Then he looked vaguely uneasy.
"Can I, um. I can kiss you, right?" he asked.
"Of course. I'd love for you to," I said.
So he did.
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A/N

So that was basically a fuck ton of dialogue. I'll try to make the next chapter more interesting.
Anyways, if anybody has any ideas for like filler chapters, please comment them cause I'm always looking for ideas. I've gotten a few good ones so far!
Love you guys!!
P.S I've been slow to update lately because it's my junior year of high school so I'm super super super busy and I've also been working on a super super super angsty one shot that I'm really excited for!