Untouchable

Chapter 4

Merry Christmas!!
@moonhowler13 made this playlist of songs that remind her of Untouchable-http://8tracks.com/bossy-bleach-lover/untouchable
Check it out, cause it's really cool!
I always appreciate it when you guys do stuff like that!

Love you!!

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Harry's POV

Afterwards, we went to Liam's. I didn't want to go and I could tell that Louis didn't either, but Liam, Niall, and Zayn coaxed us into it.
Coaxed as in forced.
I stayed quiet in the car as Louis drove. Guilt was a lump in my throat that I just couldn't swallow. He'd thought I would be angry with him for crying?
I probably would have used it against him at some point, though. But now that Liam had heard, I couldn't.
I didn't want to be mean to Louis. Liam had to understand that. I just had to act like it so that Louis would stay away.
It was working, actually. He flinched every time we brushed against each other walking past each other in the hallways of our flat while I felt heat spread through my body. He avoided talking to me unless it was necessary. He hardly acknowledged me.
It didn't help the ache in my chest. I was making him scared of me, scared of my voice. It was a horrible feeling and it was like an arrow through my chest every time I made him cringe.
Wen I heard him crying at night, I curled up in my bed and did the same.
"We're going to stay for the smallest amount of time possible. I don't want to be here; I don't care if you do," Louis growled as we walked up to Liam's door.
I rolled my eyes, but I didn't notice if he noticed.
Niall opened the door and gestured for us to come inside. He put his hand on Louis's shoulder as he walked past.
"Don't fucking touch me!" Louis snarled, darting away.
"Sorry, Lou. Forgot," Niall mumbled, blue eyes guilty.
I'd noticed how cautious everybody was around Louis. So much as a fingernail touched him and whoever was at fault tripped over themselves with apologies. I'd even witnessed Felix do it.
He had shook the interviewers hand, I remembered. But he had pushed against the edge of the couch, sitting as far away from Niall as possible until he went to him for comfort. Even then, their thighs hadn't touched.
"Hey!" Liam greeted, "You guys want something to drink?"
"I would love a drink," Louis grumbled, collapsing on a sofa.
"Water it is," Liam replied, unfazed, "For all of us."
"Just because he can't drink doesn't mean I can't?" I whined.
Louis looked at his feet.
"Just because you can't cut doesn't mean we can't?" Zayn said, his tone low and warning.
"That's different," I protested.
"No. It's really not," he said, raising his eyebrows in an unspoken challenge.
Louis had his arms wrapped tightly around his chest and his knees drawn up.
"Whatever," I sighed.
"You guys can drink. I'll be fine. It's not as bad, I swear. I can handle being around it," Louis said, his voice tiny and hesitant.
I looked at him. He looked like he was trying to make himself become part of the sofa.
I wanted to hold him and whisper apologies into his ear until he believed me.
I wanted to kiss him silly so that he knew how much he really meant to me.
"Great," I said instead.
"Harry," Liam hissed, slamming a glass of water down in front of me.
I rolled my eyes at him.
He, Niall, and Zayn talked for a while. I occasionally chipped in. Louis continued to sit silently, holding himself tight.
"We really should start rehearsing songs again. I'm pretty rusty; I don't know if I remember all of them," Niall admitted.
"Not now," Zayn grumbled, "I don't want to do that until we have to."
I hummed in agreement.
"Anybody write anything?" Niall asked.
I had a couple phrases that I had come up with in my head, but nothing substantial enough to be a song.
"Maybe a bit. A few verses, maybe a chorus," Liam said, shrugging, "Not much, really."
"Doesn't really matter yet," Zayn said, "I mean, they want us to come in to talk about a new album so we can at least keep that on schedule, what with everything being pushed back."
I hummed in agreement.
We ended up ordering pizza, none of us wanting to really cook anything.
I watched Louis pick at it, silently nibbling on a slice. He was drinking a lot of water, I noticed. I had a feeling that it was to make up for what he couldn't drink.
I wanted to know how bad it had been. Everyone made it out like it had been really bad, but I knew that Louis wasn't stupid enough to let himself get addicted to something like I had.
"FIFA?" Liam suggested, "We haven't played it together in ages."
Everyone but Louis nodded, including myself. Louis loved FIFA; I thought that it was adorable how competitive he got. I'd always wanted to kiss the pout off of his face when he lost, which was rare.
He sat silently as Liam and Niall played first. He sat silently as Zayn played Niall. He sat silently as I played Zayn.
"Lou? You want to play?" Zayn asked after he had beaten me.
Louis shook his head.
"No," he mumbled.
He looked absolutely miserable and my heart ached as we made brief eye contact.
"Are you sure? You love this," Liam said, his eyebrows crinkling together.
"I don't love anything," Louis muttered, "And I don't want to play."
Niall, Liam, and Zayn exchanged worried looks.
"If you're sure," Liam said slowly.
Louis simply glared at him until he looked away. I couldn't look away. Even despite the exhaustion plaguing his features, he was still the most breathtaking human that I had ever seen. I just wanted to see his eyes glitter again, but they were so dull. Instead of the clear ocean blue that I had drowned in, they were the pale grey of the sky when it wasn't sure if it wanted to rain or not.
He glanced at me and I turned around, unable to hold eye contact with him for too long.
We played a couple more rounds and ate the rest of the cooling pizza.
"Lads," Niall snorted suddenly.
He jerked his chin toward Louis.
Louis was asleep, or at least appeared to be. He had at some point laid down, but he still had his body curled into a tight ball, his cheek pressed into the arm of the sofa. His mouth hung upon slightly, his gentle breathing moving hair that hung in his face.
I thought it was unbearably adorable.
"If one of you wakes him up, I will actually kill you," Liam growled, "Who knows when he last slept."
They all looked at me. I looked resolutely at Louis, avoiding their stares.
"He looked really sad tonight, did anybody notice that? Like, normally he doesn't really look anything at all, but he just looked sad," Niall said.
"I think mentioning the drinking got to him a little bit," Liam said, and with a pointed look, "Harry."
"What? I didn't know!" I protested.
"Yes, you did. You knew that it would hurt him, so you pushed it. And you got what you wanted; you upset him," he retorted.
"Lads," Niall murmured, "Don't wake him up."
Liam and I glared at each other, but neither of us said anything more.
"You don't think that he's faking, do you?" Zayn asked suddenly.
"No. He always keeps his mouth closed when he fake-sleeps," I said quietly.
I remembered times when he'd playfully try to trick me into thinking that he was asleep. It never worked. We knew each other too well. Plus, he'd burst into laughter as soon as I started to tickle him.
I hated remembering all the things that I'd lost because I'd fallen in love with him. I'd tried to keep acting normally at first, and it had worked, but after we had stopped living together, I'd fallen apart. It was useless trying to cuddle with him or nip at his neck when all he did in response was push me away.
I wanted to hate him but I couldn't because every time I tried, I fell in love with him a little bit more.
I was in love with every little bit of him, even how infuriatingly not in love with me he was.
I snapped back into reality when Louis sat up with a panicked gasp.
Liam immediatly rushed over to him.
I couldn't look away. In the few moments that it took for Louis to realize that he was awake, his expression was one of terror and it was twisted in pain, as if he had just gotten stabbed. He was gasping for air, his eyes flicking wildly around the room.
"C'mere, Lou," Liam murmured.
He helped Louis stand on shaking legs. Louis's entire body was shivering and his eyes were wide and full of unshed.
"The usual?" Liam asked quietly, leading Louis out of the room.
I didn't hear Louis's mumbled response, but I saw him nod.
The air was thick and heavy, suffocating me.
Niall and Zayn were alternating between staring at each other and staring me.
"What was...um, what was that about?" I asked, shifting uncomfortably.
The look of distress on Louis's face had burned itself into my mind. I wanted to find him and comfort him.
"He has nightmares a lot. Mostly about you, honestly. But sometimes about, um, other things," Niall said, glancing at Zayn, "Liam's usually the one to calm him down afterwards. You know, cause Lou's usually pretty shaken up. It takes him a while to remember that they're not real."
I nodded. The air seemed even heavier. I wondered if either of them would say anything if I used my inhaler.
I took it everywhere with me, especially if I was somewhere with Louis. I wrapped my fingers around the shape of it in my jeans. Knowing that it was there calmed me down slightly.
Liam came back in, sans Louis, after a few stifling minutes.
"I tried to get him back to sleep in my room. You can just wake him up whenever you're ready to go, Harry," he explained.
I didn't trust myself to speak, so I shrugged indifferently.
"He okay?" Zayn asked.
"As okay as he can be. I think it helped him settle down, seeing Harry right after," Liam said, "It was the usual dream. It's mostly just having to get him to know that wasn't his fault afterwards."
I gripped my inhaler more tightly. I was beginning to feel my heart beat more quickly. I could guess what Louis blamed himself for.
God, I'd known in my haze while writing my suicide note that Louis would blame himself. I'd specifically told him not to.
I sighed, shifting to stretch my legs.
"Harry?" Liam asked.
I grunted in acknowledgement.
"Do you know if he's been having these dreams?" he asked.
I shrugged.
"I don't bloody sleep with him. How should I know?" I growled.
"I was just asking," Liam said, raising his hands defensively.
"I think I'm going to go," I said, standing up.
"See if Louis' awake, will you?" Liam asked, "It's only been a few minutes, so he probably will be."
I glared at him, but I went up the stairs obediently.
I knocked gently at Liam's door but no response came, so I stepped inside.
Louis was curled up on his side, facing away from me.
"Louis?" I called softly, "Louis?"
He didn't move, so I crept closer to the bed. I hesitated before reaching out and tapping his shoulder.
I couldn't help gently rubbing up and down his side. The warmth from his body spread into mine and I had to smile.
"Hey, Lou, we're leaving. You gotta get up," I said, leaning closer and sitting down on the edge of the bed.
"Hmm?" he murmured.
"We're leaving. You gotta get up, sweetheart," I said, the pet name slipping out before I could stop myself.
He rolled over, all but on top of me and blinked up at me, sleep still clouding his eyes.
"Carry me," he mumbled, resting his cheek on my thigh and shutting his eyes.
My heart swelled with affection as he snuffled into my jeans.
"C'mon, Lou," I sighed, tentatively removing my hand from his side and threading my fingers through his hair.
He smiled and shifted closer.
"Carry me," he repeated, "'m to sleepy to stand."
I didn't say anything for a few moments, concentrating on how silky and soft his hair felt as I pulled my fingers through it.
"I'm too sleepy to carry you," I retorted.
The instincts to push him away and make him hate me were long gone. My heart ached, but from the heavy weight of affection and love that I felt. For a few minutes, neither of us felt any pain. We were just being Harry and Louis and it felt so wonderfully familiar.
"Carry me or we're not leaving," he mumbled.
He seemed to be on the verge of well-deserved sleep. I couldn't bring myself to take it from him.
I removed his head from my thigh and I untangled my hand from his hair.
"C'mon, then," I sighed.
He pathetically lifted his arms. I laughed quietly. I leaned down and hoisted him up, holding him against my chest. He wrapped his legs around my waist and his arms around my neck.
His breath was warm and gentle on my skin as he tucked his face into my neck.
It reminded me of when he'd jumped at me when we'd seen each other for the first time at the center.
I tightened my arms around his lower back, desperate to be close to him again, even for just a little while.
I stumbled down the steps, his added weight unbalancing me.
When I returned to where Liam, Niall, and Zayn were sitting, they silenced and gaped at me.
"He wouldn't go unless I carried him," I mumbled, feeling my face heat up.
I had a feeling that Louis was already asleep again. His breathing was shallow and steady and his body was lax in my arms.
"So you go from being a complete bastard to carrying him?" Liam snapped.
I gripped Louis tighter, like I was afraid that Liam might take him away.
"We're leaving," I mumbled, shifting Louis a bit so that he was higher in my arms.
I knew that Liam wanted to retort, but he didn't, snapping his mouth shut.
"Goodnight, mate," Niall called, feigning cheerfulness.
I made my way out the house, struggling a bit with opening and closing the door. Louis' head was heavy but comfortable on my shoulder.
I wasn't sure how to get him into the car without waking him up. I shifted him to one arm to open the door. I bent, my arms straining from his weight pulling me down and tried to maneuver him into the seat.
He stirred and looked up at me, a small smile on his face.
"You carried me," he murmured, eyelids heavy.
"Yeah," I said, "Yeah."
I shut the door and walked around to the other side so that I could get into my own seat.
As soon as I sat down, Louis rested his head on my shoulder.
"I thought you didn't like to be touched," I blurted.
"Yeah. But, you. You're fine. Cause you're Harry," he said.
"How does that work?" I asked, "Why am I different?"
He shrugged.
"You're Harry," he repeated.
It wasn't a very long drive back to our house and Louis stayed awake, blinking sleepily out of the window.
He kept his head on my shoulder.
I was almost sad when we got to our house. Louis removed his head and looked at me.
"You wanna carry me inside?" he asked.
I snorted and shook my head.
He followed me inside, his feet falling heavily as exhaustion weighed down his body. I kicked off my shoes, his presence silent but incredibly loud behind me.
I felt the ache start to return, the need to hurt him until he hurt me emerging from the recesses of my mind.
It had been a horrible mistake, slipping back into the natural, easy orbit around Louis.
I turned around to face him. He was watching me. He'd felt the shift in my mood, I could tell. His eyes were wide and alert.
"Harry," he whispered.
There were a million pleas in one word.
I swallowed, a lump thick and inhibiting in my throat.
"I can't," I choked.
I stumbled forwards and cupped his face in my hands, my thumbs swiping over his cheekbones.
He sighed and shut his eyes, melting in my hands. He was so close and I was shaking as I touched him.
It would be so easy to kiss his mouth, I realized, he was relaxed and still as he sagged against me. He had his face upturned as if he believed that I would. As if he wouldn't mind if I did.
I exhaled shakily.
Before I could stop myself, I was bending down and kissing his forehead. I left my mouth there for a few moments before pulling away.
"Oh," Louis sighed, his eyes slowly opening.
They were slow to focus, his entire body leaning against me as if he couldn't support himself.
I dropped my hands and backed away.
"Goodnight, Louis," I mumbled, before turning and fleeing to my room.
I slammed my door behind me and slid down it. I gasped for air as I fumbled to rip my inhaler out of my pocket. It clattered to the floor and I scrambled after it.
I jammed it in my mouth and took a puff of it. It took a few moments for my vision to clear and my throat to open up so that I could breath.
My heart was accelerating as I crawled towards my bed. I pulled myself up and lay in my bed, shaking and willing my heartbeat to slow.
How stupid was I? Why the fuck had I kissed him? It was his forehead, sure, but it almost felt more intimate than it would have been if I had kissed his mouth.
He was so tempting, small and warm next to me, big and cold. He was larger than life, the sun that I orbited around. I couldn't live without him, but if I kept doing stupid things like kissing him, I would have to.
I fell into a restless sleep, tossing and turning. Weird, tortured dreams plagued me.
I got up early, creeping out of the house to go to Felix's. I knew that I wasn't really supposed to leave without a guard, but I needed to breath without somebody on my arse.
Felix opened his door, surprise showing on his face as I all but fell into his arms.
"Mum and Dad took Addy to her physical therapist. We're by ourselves for a while, babe. Tell me what's wrong," he murmured, pulling me up to us room and down onto his bed.
I babbled out the story, clinging to him desperately.
He stayed quiet for a while after I was finished, focusing on petting at my hair.
"Harry, I think if you talked to Louis, you might be surprised with what he would have to tell you," he murmured, "He's not the same Louis that to used to know. That includes how he feels about you."
"Yeah. He hates me," I sighed.
"Christ, no. Louis couldn't hate you if he tried. And he's tried, trust me," Felix said.
"I just can't believe that I kissed him," I mumbled, shaking my head.
"I kiss your forehead all the time," he said.
"But you can deal with how you feel about me. I can't just go around and treat him how you treat me. It hurts so much, Felix, you don't even know," I sighed, "Like, you sort of get it, but you don't at the same time because you can still act like this with me and be okay. I can't do that with him."
"Harry, you really need to talk to him," he suddenly said, "Before you say something that actually really hurts him. You can say a whole lot to him, but never, ever physically take it out on him. That will not end well."
"I can't talk to him, Felix! And why the fuck is everybody always telling me to be careful with him? He's not a doll!" I snapped.
"Relax, H," Felix murmured, "He's just a lot more mentally fragile than it can seem, that's all."
I nodded, my quick burst of anger fading into the background.
I stayed with him for the entire day.
Addy and his parents eventually came back.
I loved watching Felix interact with her. The bond that they shared was really cool to me. They were closer than any brother and sister that I had ever seen, even Gemma and I.
"You should go," Felix eventually said, "Louis' probably freaking out, wondering where you are."
I made a face and looked out the window to the sunset.
"I don't care," I mumbled.
"Yes you do," Felix said, raising his eyebrows.
I rolled my eyes.
He ended up pushing me out of his house, me sticking my tongue out at him as he closed his door.
When I got back to Louis' and my house, I sat in my car for a few minutes, procrastinating going inside.
Finally, I steeled myself and went inside.
Louis was perched on the sofa by the front door. He jumped up as soon as I walked in.
"Where the hell have you been?" he demanded.
"Doesn't matter," I muttered, trying to push past him.
"It kind of actually does!" he snapped, "Do you know how worried I've been? You could have at least told me you were leaving!"
I shrugged, trying desperately to appear indifferent.
"I'm nineteen. I don't need a babysitter. If I want to go out, I will," I sighed, feigning irritation.
"Harry, I'm supposed to be watching you. I get if you don't like that, I wouldn't either, but I'm just trying to keep you safe," he said quietly, his previous boldness disappearing.
I rolled my eyes and sneered at him, exaggerating slightly.
"Jesus Christ," I muttered, "You want to keep me safe? Stay away from me."
Louis tugged his lip between his teeth and shrank back.
"I...I meant to tell you. I'm sorry about yesturday, you know, crying during the interview," he said.
I snorted.
"Yeah. What the fuck was that about, anyways? You become some sort of pussy or something? Christ, you make this band look like a group of pussies," I hissed.
It was cruel and vulgar and I felt sick saying it. It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Louis squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head before opening them.
"I'm sorry. I know you said not to, but I just feel so guilty, you know? Like everything's my fault," he said shakily.
He sounded so scared and insecure that I had to blink rapidly to keep from tearing up.
I laughed bitterly, twisting my mouth into a cruel smile.
"You actually believe that?" I spat, "Of course it's your fault. You know it's your fault; you have to know that I blame you for everything. Are you stupid?"
He made a noise like I had punched him in the stomach. Tears almost immediatly started to fall and he opened his mouth, but no sounds came out.
"You said it wasn't my fault," he whimpered, then, raising his voice to a scream, "You said it wasn't my fault!"
He stormed past me, shoving his shoes on.
"Where are you going?" I asked.
"Out," he sobbed.
"Don't...um. Just be safe," I whispered.
Louis whirled around to face me and for a second, we both thought that he would hit me.
"Be safe," he mimicked, "I know you don't care. I thought maybe for a second, last night, that we could be like we used to again. But of course not. Cause all you care about is yourself! You don't care about me!"
Louis sobbed the last sentence, turning around and leaving, slamming the door behind him.
I shuffled to the sofa and slumped down onto it, covering my mouth to stifle my own tears.