Untouchable

Chapter 29

Harry's POV

I knew that everybody was wondering how Louis would do on tour. He had always loved traveling, there was no question about it, but it was the pressure that I worried about. It was stressful, constantly moving from place to place and only getting a few hours of sleep some nights. He had a lot of trouble with settling down after shows, I remembered, and it was even worse with jetlag. We always had to be on top of our game and I was worried that he might try too hard and burn himself out trying to pretend that he was perfectly okay.
He liked to think that he was healthy again, both physically and mentally, but we both knew that he wasn't. There were nights I'd wake up and find him sitting at the edge of the bed, trying to will himself asleep and there were nights that he'd wake up terrified of something in his dreams and he'd shake for hours afterwards. If we were watching a show and an advertisement came on for a beer or some other alcohol, I saw the way he always swallowed and tried to distract himself. He still wanted it. He just pretended not to.
I just didn't want him trying so hard to act okay around the fans that he would forget to take care of himself. It was something I could easily imagine him doing. And myself, but that was a whole different issue.
"Are you nervous?" he asked, the night before the tour started.
"Not really. I probably won't be until right before we go on if I ever will. You know how I am," I said.
Louis sighed and nodded, his chin digging into my shoulder.
We had to be up in five hours, but I figured that if Louis needed to talk, it was better to stay up with him than let whatever he needed to say stay inside of his head.
"Do you think any of them have left because we took such a long break?" he asked, "I know we've still got a lot, but. I don't want to perform a half-empty concert, you know?"
"Lou, half of the shows are sold out and more will be as the tour progresses," I snorted, "There's nothing to worry about."
"I know," he said quietly.
I rolled over to face him.
"So what's bothering you, lovely? Something is," I asked.
Louis made a face, crinkling his nose.
"I know you're worried about me," he sighed, "And I'm sure I'll be okay. So quit it. I know you won't, but. I've just got this fear that like- I know it's stupid and I don't need to worry about it because I know that it's dumb, but. I'm just really afraid that- I figure he knows who I am, you know, Ben. He never acted like it cause I was just another hole to fuck for him, but what are the odds that he didn't? And I'm just so scared that he's still mad that I kicked him out and he'll come to a concert or something or try to find me and I don't know how to handle that," he said.
There was something about his sigh afterwards that told me that he had been holding onto that worry for a long time.
It also occurred to me that it was the first time he had ever said Ben's name out loud to me. I decided not to spend to much time thinking about it. He probably hadn't noticed that he had done it.
"If you want, we could give a description of him to security," I suggested.
It was useless convincing him that something like that wouldn't happen. I didn't know a thing about Ben and I didn't know if he even knew who Louis was. He hadn't tried to contact Louis after the ordeal, but I couldn't tell Louis for sure that he never would. There was a possibility that the worst could happen, that Ben might expose him to the media or confront Louis himself. I doubted it, considering how much time had passed, but I couldn't entirely rule it out. I never would be able to. Everything was a possibility.
"I don't want to trouble them," Louis said quietly, "I doubt he even remembers what happened. Why would he? It's nothing significant, not to him. I'm sure something like that has happened before, assuming he has as much sex as I think he does. It's just hard for me to realize, sometimes, that he's real and not just something from my nightmares."
I wasn't sure what to tell him and I hated feeling so helpless.
"You know I'll protect you no matter what, right?" I asked, kissing his nose.
Louis smiled.
"You can't protect me from everything, love," he said, "But hopefully I won't need much protecting."
"Even if it's protecting you from yourself, I will," I promised, "It's not just outside things that you have to be afraid of. You know that you're the biggest threat to yourself."
His smile faded and he nodded, sighing.
"I'll be okay," Louis said.
"You don't know that for sure," I warned.
"You don't know if you'll be okay for sure. It's not just me that has problems, Harry," he snapped, turning defensive.
"I know, I know," I said quickly, trying to gentle him before it turned into a fight, "I know. I'm worried about myself too. You're just more important to me."
"I shouldn't be. That's how you went downhill in the first place," he muttered, but with considerably less aggression.
"Yeah. But I'm stupid in love with you. I can't help it," I said.
His fingers wrapped around my wrist, tracing over the scars on it and he brought my hand up to his mouth to kiss them.
"I know you worry about me, but I worry about you too. We've seen each other at our worst but I saw you go through so much more than you saw me. I watched you over a period of nearly a year, just ruining yourself. It's not- I'm never going to forget anything I saw. I still remember seeing fresh cuts on your wrists and knowing I couldn't do anything about it or when you lost so much weight that you were light-headed all the time during rehearsals. I'm so afraid of that Harry," Louis whispered.
I intertwined our fingers and moved impossibly closer to him.
"I'll never be him again," I promised, "I won't. That's the past."
***
It was difficult to wake up in the morning. Louis was comfortable and the blankets wrapped around us were warm. It was almost worth ignoring the alarm beeping at us.
"Turn the fucking thing off," Louis eventually grumbled, pulling the covers tighter around him.
"It's on your side," I argued.
He opened one eye to glare at me. I propped myself up on an elbow and reached over him to turn it off.
"Sleep now," he mumbled, trying to pull me back towards him.
"We've got to get up, Lou," I snorted, shrugging out of his grip and crawling out of bed.
It wasn't cold in his house, but it was less warm than it was in bed.
"I hate you," he huffed, pulling the duvet completely over his head.
I decided to let him sleep a little while longer while I made us breakfast.
By the time I was done, he was wandering downstairs by himself, looking grumpy and sleepy. He held his hands out for tea before slumping onto a chair at the table.
"Tired?" I asked.
Louis made a face.
"Tired," he replied.
"You can sleep on the plane," I promised, setting toast in front of him.
He just mumbled something incomprehensible in reply, stuffing half of a slice of toast in his mouth.
We were going to Australia first and I knew that if he wasn't so tired, that he would be excited about it. We had always loved Australia.
"Did you get much sleep last night?" I asked, sitting next to him.
Louis shrugged.
"Probably not as much as you, but enough," he said, "Maybe like three and a half hours or so."
"That's not enough, Louis," I said.
"You only got like five," he argued.
"And it wasn't as much as I would have liked," I replied, "Eat your toast and we can go take a shower if you want."
"Together?" he asked, mouth curling mischievously.
"We're not going to do anything, so get your mind out of the gutter," I said, rolling my eyes, "We'll do cute stuff like washing eachothers' hair and the like."
He cooed around his toast, fluttering his eyelashes. I snorted. He was ridiculous.
"What if I want to do something?" he asked, swallowing.
"By all means, go ahead. I'm not complaining. But, we'll stick to washing our hair today. We're running a bit late as it is," I said.
Louis smiled.
It was a quick shower, as it turned out. It wasn't our first shower together and definetely wasn't the first time I had seen him naked, but when he kissed me, I barely noticed the taste of shampoo in my mouth over the feel of his skin.
"Does this scare you?" I asked, like I always did.
He shrugged, like he always did.
"A lot. But it's a good kind of being scared," he admitted, "It's like. You know the whole being with you scares me. Not just the sexual stuff. I know it scares you too. But this is a little different, you know? Like we're completely starkers and showers are intimate, yeah? I know you'll never try anything, but it's just like...it would be so easy."
"You trust me," I said quietly, "You know I'll never do a thing that you don't want."
"I know," he replied, barely audible over the noise of the water.
"You'll tell me if it ever stops being okay," I said, less of a question than a demand.
"Yeah," Louis said, handing me body soap, "Just let me wash myself right now."
I stepped back a little bit. He'd let me try to be cute and wash him before, but there was a certain point where he'd stopped being comfortable with it and told me to stop. Of course I had and we hadn't tried it again.
I tipped my head back under the water and stood there until Louis elbowed me out of the way so that he could rinse off.
"You look really cute when you're wet," I commented.
He rolled his eyes and flicked water at me. I didn't bother dodging. We were in a shower.
"Bet you say that to all the girls," he drawled, letting me back under the water.
"Baby, you're the only one," I said sincerely.
Louis giggled- a genuine giggle. Not one that could probably be classified as a normal laugh, but it was a real, adorable giggle.
"You're too cute," I sighed.
"Watch it. I'm fuckin' manly," Louis grumbled, reaching around me to turn the water off, "You can't call me cute twice in one shower. I'm a manly man. Sexy, aren't I?"
"Yeah," I agreed, stepping out of the shower and handing him a towel.
He wrapped it around his shoulders like a cape. He wasn't doing much to prove that he wasn't cute.
"Dry off, munchkin," I said, dodging the immediate swat in retaliation, "You still need to finish stuffing clothes in your suitcase."
Louis mumbled under his breath- probably wondering why he'd ever agreed to date me when I was such a nag- but started to dry off as I wandered out to his room to get dressed.
It was more of our room, by that time, I supposed. I was a little afraid to call it that. It would make his house our house and that scared me a bit. We'd all but moved in with each other the first day we'd started dating. It wasn't as if I minded- I loved it- but there was always the niggling doubt in the back of my mind. I'd known for ages that he was it for me, but sometimes I couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever grow tired of me. In any typical relationship, it wasn't common to move in with one another so quickly. Technically, I still lived with Felix, but a good portion of the time I was with Louis. I didn't mind the fact that it was moving quickly, but I couldn't help but wonder if he ever had doubts.
He had to. It was only natural, wasn't it? I really didn't know much about real relationships. I'd had a few when I had been in school, but none of them had been anywhere close to how serious I was about Louis. Taylor had hardly meant anything to me at all, although I always felt guilty about using her like I had.
Louis pressed a kiss to my shoulder as he ducked around me to haul his suitcase onto the bed. I frowned at his back. I knew that I shouldn't doubt him but I couldn't help it. He turned around and smiled when he caught me staring.
"See something you like, then?" he asked, tugging a shirt over his head.
I was almost certain that it was my shirt, but I didn't want to point it out to him. I liked it.
"Always," I replied.
Louis meandered around the room, tossing clothes and whatever caught his eye into the open suitcase.
"S' your jumper?" he asked, holding one up.
I nodded. He shrugged and threw it on top of the growing pile.
"Lou, that's never going to close if you just throw stuff in it at random," I said.
"That's why you left me extra space in one of yours," Louis said, smiling at me and trying to force the zipper shut, "You did, right?"
"Of course I did," I snorted, "And if I hadn't, you'd just throw out some of my things."
"Love, half of my stuff is yours anyways," he said, sitting on the suitcase and raising his eyebrows.
I went over and zipped it for him.
"See? Fits," he said smugly, leaning up for a kiss.
"If it breaks, I'm not giving you mine," I snorted, letting him hop off of it.
"Yes you will," Louis replied, hefting the suitcase off of the bed.
I probably would, admittedly.
Once we got to the airport, we split up. We knew that the fans would freak out if they heard that he and I were on the same flight, and jump to conclusions. Of course, if they assumed that we were in a relationship, they would be true, but we didn't want too much speculation. He and I weren't ready to come out and we both knew that it was best to listen to our management and to keep speculation to a minimum. We wouldn't do anything to show that we weren't together, but we didn't want to make it obvious that we were.
Louis was flying with Zayn and Liam and I was to leave a few hours after them by myself. Niall was somewhere else; I wasn't sure where exactly he was, but he was flying separately.
It was difficult, creeping through the airport without people seeing Louis and I together. We knew that people most likely would, regardless of our efforts, but I was to hang around after he took off and find fans to take pictures with to prove that I was still there without him.
We met Zayn and Liam at the gate-they were flying privately with a few other people that we worked with- and I squeezed Louis' arm before I left. We both knew that we couldn't kiss in the middle of the airport, even if it was in a private area, but he pouted at me anyways.
I left them and went to wander around the shops for a few hours before my flight was ready.
***
When I arrived in Australia, there was a car waiting to take me to the hotel we were staying at for the next few nights. I was happy to see Louis again, despite only being apart for a little while.
They'd given us each our own rooms, but everybody knew that Louis and I would be staying together.
He was laying on the bed when I got there, and he looked up and smiled when I closed the door.
"Long time, no see," he said, sitting up and facing me.
I rolled my eyes and set down my things before going over to kiss him hello.
"You smell like smoke," I said, frowning and wrinkling my nose.
Louis shrugged.
"S'what you get when flying with Zayn, I guess," he said.
"You have any?" I asked.
"One or two, I guess," Louis said, "I can brush my teeth if you want."
"Please," I said.
He knew I wasn't very fond of his smoking, and really, it usually was just when he was with Zayn for an extended period of time. Weed was another matter, but I absolutely hated the smell of cigarettes.
He came back with brushed-clean teeth. The smell still clung to his clothes but I figured that as long as he changed before we went to bed, I didn't mind much.
"You have a good flight?" he asked, sitting down next to me and flinging his legs across my lap.
"Slept for most of it," I replied.
Louis hummed and let me kiss him for a few moments.
"Kinda want to go swimming," he said, pulling away, "Or surfing. I haven't done that in ages."
"You should take Liam with you," I suggested.
Louis frowned slightly, like he had forgotten that we weren't really supposed to go out in public together. If we wanted to stay a secret for the time being, we couldn't give the public anything to wonder about, our management had said. We'd agreed, even though we had known it would be difficult.
"I spent a lot of the time swimming when I kind of took off for a few weeks. After I left the city, I mean. I had a little beach cottage and all that. I should take you there some time," Louis said, almost dreamily.
We didn't talk about what he had done- or almost done- when he had been gone. He had told me that he barely remembered most of it in the first place. I knew he'd wanted to kill himself and had almost jumped off of a bridge- I really needed to track down whoever had stopped him- and as far as I was concerned, I never wanted to know anything more.
But the beach thing almost seemed like a good memory to him. I remembered how he had come back tan and his hair lighter from the sun. I'd never wondered about it.
"If you want," I agreed, and then, "Tell me about it."
Louis smiled. He was meant for the sun, I decided. Maybe he was the sun, I didn't know. For a moment, it seemed plausible.
He shifted so that he wasn't quite so wrapped around me and laid on his side.
"It's little. Just a couple rooms. I mean, it's not like tiny of anything, but you know what we're used to. I didn't need much, just somewhere to relax and try and figure out what was going on in my head. It's got a nice bed though. You'd like it. It's not too firm but it's not too soft. I fell asleep outside a lot, because I spent most of my time on the beach of in the water, but- don't give me that look, I was careful. I'd didn't even burn once- anyways, but it was nice for when I fell asleep inside, I guess. You'd like the kitchen too. There's a lot of fruit there. But my favorite thing was how private it was. I never saw another person- not even a ship in the distance or anything. It felt like I could have been the last person alive on earth and I was completely content where I was. Sometimes I'd swim out as far as I could, until I could barely see the beach, and then I'd just float around for hours and pretend like I was nothing. It sounds weird, but my mind was weird at the time," Louis explained.
His voice was a murmur and he looked so peaceful that I almost didn't dare to breathe. His waist felt warm where my hand was, like he had just come in after hours of being in the sun like he was talking about.
"Where was it?" I asked.
Louis shrugged, blinking at me.
"I've got no idea. Somebody rented it for me and they sent me a plane ticket. I wasn't really aware of what was going on, so I never paid attention to where I was or where I was going. I could ask, though," he said, "Maybe I will."
"I'd buy it for you," I said, "If you wanted."
"I'm sure I have more than enough money of my own, love," Louis chuckled.
"But I want to buy it for you. It's like a gift then," I explained, "Because I love you and I want you to be happy. With me."
"I could never be anything but happy with you," he promised, reaching out to hold my hand, "I'm not sure it's even available to be bought."
"We could make it available," I pointed out, "With enough money."
Louis snorted.
"Alright, you diva pop star," he said, "If you want to buy me that cottage, buy me the damn thing."
I grinned at him.
"But for now," he continued, sitting up, "I'll have to settle for going out for a swim with Liam. You'll be alright?"
I nodded.
"Might go bother Niall for a bit. I kind of want one of those fancy cocktails too," I said, carefully gauging his reaction.
He was in a good mood. He just smiled at me and brushed some of my hair away from my face.
"You're my favorite," he said suddenly.
"And you're mine," I replied.
Louis smiled and leaned down to kiss me again before wandering off to find wherever Liam was.
There were times when I couldn't help but doubt if he really loved me of if it really was just his mind tricking him into thinking that he was. I still couldn't believe that it was all true and that it was actually happening. It was the most amazing dream come true for me. But then I'd catch him smiling at me and all his explanation would be was that he loved me. Or he'd say it out of the blue, like I might have forgotten it because he hadn't said it in ten minutes. I had to believe him when he said it. I could bear the alternative.
***
He didn't come back for several hours, long enough for Niall and I to get a bit tipsy. I really had wanted one of their fancy cocktails that they had advertised when we had walked past the restaurant outside of the hotel.
So I'd gone and bothered Niall, like I had told Louis that I would, and by the time Louis came back, we'd had several between us. Niall'd made fun of me, of course, and had ordered a pint to begin with, but he'd tried what I'd gotten and sheepishly ordered the same.
"Having fun, lads?" Louis asked as he walked out onto the balcony that we were on.
His hair was damp and his shoulders were a little pink, like he might have stayed out a little too long.
Niall immediatly set down his glass.
"S'water," he said quickly.
Louis laughed.
"I know what it is, mate. I'm okay with it," he said, "Budge over, yeah?"
Niall got up instead.
"I'll just leave you guys to whatever it is that you get up to when you're alone," he said cheerfully, "Just wear protection. We don't need any babies on this tour."
I hummed and pushed my face into Louis' throat. He was warm. Like the sun.
"Have fun, lovely?" he asked.
I nodded.
"You have fun?" I asked, and then in case he didn't know what I meant I added, "Surfing."
"We didn't surf. There was too many people around and the waves were kind of shitty. So we just fucked around for a while. Got some food," he said, pulling my glass out of my hand and setting it down for me.
He was a wonderful boyfriend, he was.
"I love you," I murmured, tracing the ridge of his collarbones with my fingers.
They looked sharp enough to cut me, so I stopped and put my hand on his thigh instead. I loved his thighs.
"You tired at all, love?" he asked, taking the hand that was on his thigh.
I pouted. I hadn't wanted him to make me stop touching him. But I supposed that holding his hand was almost as nice.
And then all of a sudden, I felt like an absolute idiot.
"I'm a terrible boyfriend," I said.
It hadn't really occurred to me before.
Louis looked at me sharply.
"What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, "You're absolutely perfect."
I shook my head.
"I was drinking," I told him, "That's such a shitty thing to do in front of you, I can't believe I did that. What's wrong with me?"
Louis snorted.
"Love, I told you that I want you to act normally around me when it comes to that. You know that. Just because I can't drink doesn't mean you can't," he said.
I shook my head. He didn't understand.
"I'm shoving it in your face. I'm tempting you. God, tell me honestly that seeing this doesn't make you want it at all right now," I said.
Louis frowned, his eyes flicking over to the empty glasses. Then he sighed.
"Of course I want it. You know that. But right now, I don't want it to make myself forget or to suppress what I'm feeling because I can't handle it. I don't want it in an unhealthy way. It would be different if I were upset right now, because then seeing you drink would be a lot harder for me and a lot more negative. But I'm not upset. I'm happy and content. I want it in a normal way, I guess. To have fun and to get a little tipsy with you. Maybe some part of me wants it in a bad way, but that part isn't big enough to make a difference. I want you to do what you want to do and not worry about me because I'm okay as long as you're happy," Louis said, squeezing my hand.
"I shouldn't have done it," I muttered stubbornly.
Louis rolled his eyes, but he was smiling.
"You can feel whatever way you want about it, of course. I'm just saying that I don't care and I want you to have fun and be happy," he said.
"There are other ways to do that," I replied.
"Yeah. Look, I'll tell you if I'm ever uncomfortable, okay? Would that make you feel better?" he asked.
"Louis. You'll never tell me if you're uncomfortable," I snorted.
"I'll tell you about this. I know how much it means to you," he said.
I barely believed him, but the alcohol was wearing off a bit and I was getting tired from the long flight before and from sitting out in the sun for so long. It was getting darker anyways. I yawned at him in lieu of an actual response.
"Tired, lovely?" he asked, carding his fingers through my hair, "We can go to bed."
"You should shower first. You hate it when the sea water dries in your hair," I pointed out.
Louis smiled and nodded. We got up, taking the empty glasses inside and setting them on a table for the cleaning staff to collect.
I didn't fall asleep while he was showering. It wasn't that I couldn't- I was exhausted- but I preferred to fall asleep with him than without him.
When he came out of the shower, his towel was low on his hips and he grumbled at me when I stared at him for too long. He was unbearably attractive. I knew he wouldn't want to do anything- he was just as tired as I was and it was rare that he was up for it in any case- so I rolled over onto my stomach until he had thrown a pair of joggers on and crawled into bed next to me.
"Hi," he murmured when I rolled over to face him.
"Hi," I replied.
He smiled and I smiled back.
"We have to be up early tomorrow," I reminded him, "Have we got an alarm set?"
"I did," he said.
I hummed.
"You know, I'm not sure we'll be able to sleep together on the bus," he said, "The spaces are too small, I think."
"We'll make it work," I assured him, "One of us might just have to fall out of bed sometimes."
"You," he said.
"You shit," I muttered.
Louis laughed and kissed me before I could say anything else.
And truthfully, I'd take falling out of bed over not being able to sleep with him any time.
*****************************
A/N
Hiiii.
So I'm really sorry for the wait, as I always am. Blah blah blah, yada yada yada. I'm sure you don't want to read excuses haha. It's just a filler chapter and they take absolutely forever to write.
If anybody had any ideas (mostly just filler chapter ideas, please) please comment them! Part of why it takes so long to update is me not knowing what to write!
Love you!!!!