Untouchable

Chapter 30

******RE-UPLOADED!! SOME PEOPLE COULDN'T READ THE FULL CHAPTER*****
Harry's POV

We had an early morning and Louis was grumpy, needless to say. He had even bit me when I had tried to kiss him before he had any tea and then he had gone and showered without me. I'd had to take a cold and lonely shower and by the time I had gotten out, the cup of tea I'd made for myself was cold too and Louis was back in bed.
"Lou, come on. We've got to be down to the cars in like five minutes," I said, trying to pull the sheets away from him.
He glared at me.
"You can sleep in the car?" I tried, "C'mon, you're being ridiculous."
"If I'm being so bloody ridiculous, why don't you just leave without me?" he snapped, but he got out of bed just the same.
Grumpy Louis was probably my least favorite Louis. Angry Louis could be soothed and Sad Louis could be cuddled out of it, but there was nothing to be done with Grumpy Louis except wait it out. The wait was always absolutely agonizing and painful for anybody he interacted with.
It seemed like one of those days.
He was sullen and moody the entire ride to the arena. Even Zayn couldn't make him smile.
Louis did rest his head on my shoulder, which I thought counted for something. I almost felt smug about it, in a way, that he was at least being a little sweet with me even if he wasn't with anybody else.
He was sullen all through the run-through of the show too. Louis managed to snap at Niall when he got in his way.
"Mate, can you get him to be at least a little friendly? It's our first show. If he's acting like this onstage, it'll look bad," Liam murmured to me when Louis slammed the door to the toilet unnecessarily loudly, "We can't afford that. Especially not him."
I sighed and nodded.
"He's just tired," I said weakly, for what felt like the thousandth time of the day.
"He's stressed," Liam corrected, "And tired."
I nodded again and patted him on the shoulder before wandering to the toilet after Louis.
"Lou?" I asked.
"What do you want?" he grumbled, drying his hands.
"I want to talk," I said simply.
Louis rolled his eyes and tried to shoulder past me, but I grabbed his wrist.
"Louis, love, you've got to cut this out. I don't know what wrong, but everyone's been asking me to find out so we can cheer you up a little," I said.
He scowled at me.
"Well I'm sorry that I'm being such a burden," he snapped.
He tried to wriggle away, but I just held him tighter.
"You're not being a burden. We just hate seeing you unhappy and you clearly aren't happy right now. Come here, Lou. We can have a cuddle in the dressing room or something if that'll help you. I'll even kick everyone else out," I said.
"Whatever," Louis sighed, but he followed me out.
Miraculously, Liam was the only one left in the dressing room and it only took a quick flick of my head towards the door for him to get up and leave.
I let us get comfortable on the sofa in the corner of the room before saying anything. Louis curled up as small as he could and settled himself in my lap. It was a position we never found ourselves in unless there was something that was seriously upsetting him.
"Will you please talk to me?" I asked, kissing the back of his neck.
"I don't know what you want me to say," he muttered, but there was substantially less bite in his voice than before.
"What's bothering you," I replied.
"Nothing is," Louis said, but it was a lie and we both knew it.
I let him sit in silence for a few minutes. It was no use pushing something when he was in a mood.
And then, finally, "I'm just tired," he said quietly.
"Did you sleep at all last night?" I asked.
He shook his head.
"Lou, you know you can wake me up," I protested.
He shrugged. I knew that no matter how many times that I told him to wake me up when he couldn't sleep, he never would.
"Even if you're just tired, you never act like this," I continued.
"What do you want me to say, Harry?" Louis sighed irritably, "You already know."
"No, I don't," I corrected him, "I have an idea, but I never really know what's going on in that head of yours."
"Well it's whatever your idea is, then," Louis snapped.
He was getting angry again and I had no desire to deal with an angry Louis.
I shifted him a little higher in my lap. He didn't struggle but he was tense enough that I knew that I had to be careful or he would bolt.
"Baby, please talk to me," I murmured, nosing into his neck, "I just wanted to make you feel better."
Finally, Louis' shoulders slumped and he relaxed the tiniest bit.
"I was telling the truth. I am tired," he said quietly.
"Not the whole truth," I said.
"No. I'm nervous too. Like, I feel like I might be sick if I think about going up on stage. Like, what if he's out there? I won't know. I don't want him to see me, Harry, please don't let him," Louis said quickly, hunching to bury his face in my shirt.
He sounded so little and afraid that it hurt to know that I was completely powerless.
"We can give a description to security if you want," I suggested.
Louis shook his head.
"He's not the only guy out there that matches his description. If they stopped someone, they'd need me to confirm it was or wasn't him and I can't do that," he said, his fingers wrapping around the collar of my shirt, "If it was him, I couldn't do that. I couldn't see him again."
I was ridiculously in love with him.
"We can still call it off, if you're not ready," I said.
I knew what he'd say before he did.
"Absolutely not," he snapped, "I've kept them waiting long enough, haven't I? I won't do it any more. I'll get over it, I'm sure."
"If you don't feel safe Louis, or you're not completely sure you can handle this, then I don't want you to do it. You can sit this concert out or as many concerts as you want until you feel okay with it," I said, "It can just be the four of us for a while until you're okay with it."
"No," Louis said, "I can't."
"You're allowed to do what you need to do, Louis," I said, "What matters most- to everyone- is you being okay."
I was trying to be calm but it was frustrating, trying to get him to realize that his mental health came before his obligations.
"I am okay," he protested, "Look, I'll be fine. I'm just nervous. You get nervous all the time."
"Not like this, Louis," I said.
He was quiet for a while. He looked more relaxed, but there was a tension about him that I didn't like. There was a tension between us that I didn't like.
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to make you feel like I was attacking you," I said.
"You didn't. I know you worry," he said, his eyes closed, "I worry about you too."
"You've been drinking a lot of water today," I said carefully.
It had occurred to me that he possibly just could have been thirsty or had a dry mouth, but I knew that that wasn't it.
Louis nodded.
"I think it'd be easier if I could just have a couple drinks to calm down," he said, and then added quickly, "I'm not going to, obviously. Not sure I could even get anything if I tried. There's nothing around here because of me and nobody'd take me to get some."
"Would you? If you could, I mean," I asked.
My heart was beating hard. I hated knowing that he hadn't had the same treatment that I had, that he had quit by himself. I figured it was probably harder for him to stay clean than it was for me because I'd had professional help and he hadn't. He'd had his therapist, sure, but it wasn't the same that I'd had.
Louis shrugged.
"Right now? I don't know. But earlier, or later, like right before the show- I'm sure that it'll get a lot worse then- definetely," he said.
He sounded ashamed. I hated it.
"Do you need anything from me? To make this any easier?" I asked, swallowing hard.
"Just don't get mad at me, okay? I'm trying, I promise. I'm sorry if I act a little grumpy," he said.
"I'm not mad, Louis," I said gently, "Nobody is. It's just that it can be frustrating not knowing how to help you when you act like this."
"I'm sorry," he whispered, looking at me.
He looked so scared.
"Baby, there's nothing to be sorry about," I murmured.
He smiled the tiniest bit and it looked forced, but it was something.
"Baby," he repeated.
He seemed a little calmer, but I didn't want to let him go back to the sound check until I knew he was completely okay.
"Louis, I know you might not want to, but if there's even a second where you're not completely sure you want to do this, even if it's during the show and we're onstage, you tell one of us and you can leave, okay? Nobody will hold a thing against you," I said.
I knew he wouldn't listen and it drove me crazy.
But then, he drove me crazy in general.
"I know you want what's best for me, but I want what's best for all of us," he said, "And that means doing the show even though I'm a little nervous."
"You're not a little nervous.
I've seen you a lot nervous and I've never seen you like this before. And if you dare think about any of us, Louis, before you think of your own wellbeing-"
I knew he was getting annoyed with me then, because he shut me up by kissing me.
I didn't necessarily object to that. It meant that he was actually listening to me if he was getting annoyed by it. Plus, kissing Louis was never something I would mind.
"Okay. I'll tell you if I'm not alright," he said quietly, barely pulling back enough to speak.
"Promise?" I asked.
Louis nodded, and kissed me again.
He let me cuddle him for a little while longer before he decided that it was time for us to go.
I didn't want to let him go. I knew that he still wasn't entirely happy or comfortable and heading out to join everyone else while knowing that made me worry.
But I also knew that if I didn't trust his decision, that he'd be upset.
***
As the show approached, it was obvious how scared he was. He went from sullen to frantic, tapping on his knees or a table top and fidgeting more than usual. He spoke rapidly, talking with his hands and running them through his hair. I could tell that he was sweating even from a distance. He looked, quite frankly, terrified.
He slowly went from his normal color to pale, and then absolutely ashen as we stood on the side of the stage. We could hear the crowd and I grabbed his hand. It was clammy. He didn't seem to notice that I was holding it. He was staring straight ahead.
I was excited, but I hardly noticed it with how worried I was about him.
"I think I'm going to be sick," he whispered.
I didn't doubt it, from the way he looked, so I steered him in the direction of the first bin I saw. I pushed him to his knees and rubbed his back as he got sick.
He'd be embarrassed about vomiting in front of everyone later, I was sure, but at the moment he probably didn't care. His shirt was soaked through in the back from his sweat and his hands shook around the edges of the bin.
"Louis, you're not going out there. I'm not going to let you," I said once he finished.
He shook his head, but I could see the tears in his eyes. He was so scared and it broke my heart.
"It's making you sick, baby," I murmured, taking his hand again, "I can't let you do this to yourself. It's not good for you."
I brushed his hair back from where it was sticking to his forehead. He closed his eyes and shook his head again. He squeezed my hand tightly.
"I'll be fine," he said, his voice barely a whisper.
"No, you won't. This is terrifying you Louis and I won't let you go out there. It's not fair to you and it won't be fair to the fans, if that's what you're worried about," I said.
"I have to," he said, shaking his head, "I have to, for myself."
I didn't know what to do. He was so afraid of going out onstage that he was sweating through his clothes and getting sick, but I was afraid of what would happen if we forced him to sit out.
"What if you just sat this one out, lovely? You can do the next one if you feel better then," I suggested.
I made eye contact with Liam, who was hovering awkwardly a few feet away with Niall and Zayn. I shrugged at him.
"I can't," Louis said helplessly, "I can't let him beat me."
"Louis, he's not beating you. Look at me- he's not. Listen. I can't let you go out there like this. Ask any medic. You are not in any shape to perform right now," I said.
I hated trying to be stern with him, but I had to. Even if he looked a little hurt at the tone of my voice, anything was worth it if it kept him safe.
"You don't understand," Louis mumbled, getting up, "I'm going on. Whether you like it or not."
"You are not going on, Louis," I said, "Nobody is going to let you. Listen, love. You're sick. You are. You're not stable enough right now to go out there and you might think you're doing what's best, but if you have a complete meltdown on stage, how is that the best thing for you?"
Louis straightened up, looking more angry than afraid.
"I fucking know what's best for me, Harry," he snapped, " Quit patronizing me. I just need to get over it, okay? I'm not a child, so quit treating me like one!"
I turned around, facing the little crowd of the boys and the crew that had gathered.
"Do any of you think he should go on? Please, speak up if you do," I ordered.
I felt Louis bristle beside me when nobody so much as breathed.
"There you go. It's not just me 'patronizing' you. It's all of us being genuinely concerned for you and your safety because we love you and we can't let you go out there," I said, turning back to him.
Louis narrowed his eyes, glaring steadily at me. He was fuming.
"Guess what? I don't give a flying fuck what you think I should do. I want to go out there and I will because I'm not some little boy that you can just toss backstage and hire a babysitter for when I become an inconvenience. You literally can't stop me from performing and I fucking will, do you understand me? Some shit boyfriend you are. Trying to smother me and dehumanize me," he spat.
I flinched and backed away from him.
"Fine. Do what you want, then," I mumbled.
I didn't feel like fighting with him anymore. I couldn't just pretend that what he'd said hadn't hurt. I tried so hard to be supportive and caring and the perfect boyfriend. I hadn't realized that he'd thought it had been too much.
"I'm going to just go grab a drink before we go on, then," I said.
I wanted anything but to stay there and look at him sweaty and pale from fear. I wanted to comfort him and to keep him from anything that scared him, but he didn't want that.
I walked away quickly. We had a bunch of water bottles set up right off stage that I could have grabbed instead, but I wasn't thirsty so much as wanting to get away.
I knew that I was running from the problem and that I was being a coward, but he had hurt me and I didn't trust myself not to yell at him if I had stayed. Yelling at him would only upset him even more and it would turn into an even bigger mess.
I stood in my dressing from for a few minutes, absently checking my phone and dutifully drinking from a bottle of water. Really, it was my and Louis' dressing room, but we always requested five at each venue to keep up appearances. There would always be an extra dressing room that would never be used. It was there if Louis wanted space, but I hoped it wouldn't be utilized.
I stayed in the room until one of the backstage attendants poked his head in and told me that there was five minutes until we were on.
I sighed and set my water down before following him- slowly.
Louis wasn't with the rest of the boys when I came back.
I didn't have to ask.
"He's getting his hair redone," Liam said quietly, "And changing too, I think. He was all sweaty."
I nodded. I was starting to feel sick myself. I felt incredibly guilty for just leaving Louis when he clearly wasn't okay.
"He's going on, Harry. I know you hate that, and all of us do too. But we can't decide what he does for him, as much as I think that he's making a stupid decision. We can force him to stay back but you know that will only make him angry and upset. If it turns out horrifically, he'll at least learn," he continued.
I swallowed against the irritated response in my throat. Liam was right. I knew that. But that didn't make me want to lock Louis in a room to keep him safe any less.
I felt a careful hand on my back before Louis pulled me away from everyone else.
"I'm sorry," he whispered in my ear.
I could feel his hand shaking, so I reached back to hold it.
"Please don't do this to yourself," I replied, "Baby, don't."
Louis shook his head. His hair wasn't as flat and damp as it had been, but I could see little beads of sweat along his hairline. He still looked pale and sick.
"You don't understand. I have to," he said, looking helpless.
I wasn't sure that he quite understood it himself.
"What do I have to do to make you sit this one out? Louis, I swear I'll do anything," I begged, "You can do the one tomorrow. Please don't do this show."
"I'm so scared," was all he said.
He crumpled forwards into a hug, and I knew then that I couldn't convince him.
"Promise me that you'll stop if it gets to be too much for you. Promise," I demanded.
"I promise," he said quietly.
His fingers dug into my waist so tightly that it hurt.
"I don't like that you feel the need to do this," I sighed.
Louis didn't say anything.
"Lads, I hate to do this, but we've got to be on in about a minute," Liam said over my shoulder.
Louis and I seperated.
"Do you need to be sick again?" I asled him.
"I don't think so," he said, but his face was completely colorless and he looked like he was swaying a little.
He was starting to sweat again.
We did our typical pre-show chant and he immediately pressed against my side as we walked to the platforms that would lift us up to the stage.
"I want a drink so badly right now," Louis said, his hand shaking in mine, "Anything. Even some shitty beer. I just need something to calm me down."
"Baby, you know it won't do anything to calm you down. You've worked so hard to stop drinking. You'll get through this, I promise," I said, squeezing his hand tightly.
"I want to get drunk," he breathed, "I can imagine how good it would feel right now to have a drink."
I wasn't a therapist. I didn't know what to say to him. So I didn't say anything at all.
Louis licked his lips and cleared his throat a few times. I didn't want to know what was going through his head.
"I don't remember any of our songs," he whispered eventually.
"One of us can sing for you. We'll say you're sick," I said, "If at any time you even think it's too much, please go offstage."
Louis nodded.
His eyes were wide as he stepped on to his platform. He gripped one of the ropes attached to it and his microphone in his other hand.
He looked over to me right before we were introduced. I thought that he might have had tears in his eyes.
The platforms shot up and us along with them.
The crowd was deafening and big and I pressed my in-ears in more tightly in an attempt to cover the noise up a bit. I glanced over at Louis. He hadn't moved from his spot on the platform. I heard Liam and Niall talking to the crowd- yelling, really- and it took everything in me not to run over to Louis and check on him.
I couldn't, though. We both knew how heavily our actions were scrutinized and if we wanted to keep our relationship covered up in the near future, our interactions had to be limited.
I made eye contact with Zayn. He nodded and went over to Louis.
I brought the microphone to my mouth and started talking.
As it turned out, Louis hadn't forgotten the songs. All of his nervous energy was actually a benefit. He bounced from one side of the stage to the other, almost hysterically, and messed around with the crowd. It was clear that they adored him. They cheered the loudest during his solos and the amount of signs I saw for him was insane. I loved it. I loved that they loved him.
He was a Louis I hadn't seen in a long time on stage. It was weird.
There was a moment when he looked over to me during one of the songs. He was still afraid, I realized. He'd been scanning the crowd the entire night, searching for a face that only he knew. Of course Louis hadn't seen him. It was a huge audience. The probability of Louis seeing him even if he was there was minuscule.
Louis sent me a tiny smile. He was trying not to show how scared he was. I wondered if the fans would pick up on it. They were very good at noticing things but Louis was doing a fantastic job at pretending that he was okay.
By the time the concert was over, Louis wasn't the only one who had sweat through his shirt.
The boys were jumping around backstage, pulling each other and us into maniacal hugs.
"We smashed that," Niall said.
I had to agree. For our first show back, it had been amazing.
Louis was quiet back in our dressing room. I wanted desperately to know what was going through his head but I didn't want to pry.
"I didn't see him," Louis said quietly as I was pulling my shirt on, "But it makes me feel sick to think that he still could have been there and I will never know for sure if he was or not."
I turned towards him.
"Even if he was, you were amazing tonight, Louis. All he would have seen was you being completely flawless," I said sincerely.
Louis shrugged, picking at a loose thread on his shirt.
"Doesn't really change the fact though, does it? It terrifies me to think he could be somewhere out there, regardless of how well we did or not," he muttered.
"Baby, maybe you're not ready yet. Maybe we shouldn't have come back so soon," I said, pulling his hand away from the thread before he could tear a hole in his shirt.
"And what? Pushed it back even more? I'll never get over this, I think, regardless of how many times we go onstage. There will always be this stupid fear that's going to go onstage with me every single night. I'm a performer. It's what a do for a living. I can't let this stop me from doing my job, but Christ, it feels like it could," Louis blurted.
"Louis, if you need to take a break from the band for a while, or leave," I said slowly.
There was a massive pause that made my heart rise in my throat.
"No. I couldn't. I couldn't do that you, or the boys, or the fans. The show must go on, yeah? I'll talk to my therapist and figure out wants going on in my head. I think I'll be okay. I'll always be scared, but I really think it'll be manageable after the first couple shows we do. I made it through this one just fine," Louis said.
"I don't want it to affect you mentally in the long run," I said, "I can't watch you just deteriorate like you did while I was gone."
"It's different this time. I have you," Louis said quietly, taking my other hand that wasn't already in his.
I smiled despite myself. It was so sweet.
"Listen. I know almost every else is going out, and-"
"And I'm staying in with you," I said, interrupting him before he could say anything else, "Because there's nowhere that I'd rather be."
"Harry, you should go out and have fun with everybody else," Louis snorted, but he had a pleased sort of smile on his face.
"I'll have more fun just being with you. I love you," I said.
"I don't want to keep you from having fun and being a normal human being for once," he said as we walked out of our dressing room together.
"Love, there is nothing normal about us. About me. Even if I went out, it would be to some high-class club that normal people couldn't dream of getting into. Let's let the others have the hangovers for us, okay? I'd rather cuddle with you and watch a shitty movie until we fall asleep anyways," I said.
Louis' smile grew bigger, and then faded abrubtly.
"I still do want a drink. Not as badly as I did before the show, but the urge is still there," he said, not looking at me.
"Then let's get you some water," I said, ignoring the way he rolled his eyes at me.
***
By the time we got into our hotel room, I knew that watching a movie was out of the question. Louis was half asleep on his feet and I wasn't much better. Being panicked and stressed all day after a rough night had really taken a lot out of him.
It was a struggle to get him out of his clothes and into bed before he fell asleep and I doubted that he would even remember getting undressed in the morning.
I took a shower first before getting in bed next to him. He still smelled like sweat and post-show Louis. It wasn't the most pleasant smell, but I loved him the same.
**********************************
A/N
Ugh, I'm such a piece of shit for being so slow at updating!!! I'm sorryyyyy. The good thing is, is that the next chapter is one I've been planning since I started this story, really. And then from there, there should only be a few more chapters to this!!!
Hey, if you want to follow me on tumblr, it's
il0vem0lly
with the o's being zeros.
I realized the other day that I've never asked if any of you wanted to follow me, so there you go!
Love you!!!!