Untouchable

Chapter 2

Harry's POV

When I came down the next morning, I discovered Louis still at the table. But he was asleep. If I wasn't aware that he had fallen asleep crying, it would have been pretty fucking endearing.
I debated about waking him up. He'd be irresistibly soft and gentle, because he always was when he first woke up. He would pout because his back and neck would probably hurt from sleeping so uncomfortably. I shook my head slowly at myself, giving Louis's sleeping body a tiny, sad smile. No. I knew that he wouldn't be like that, how I remembered him always being. He would probably blink up at me for a few seconds before getting up and leaving me to stand in the kitchen alone. I deserved it, for making him cry like that.
I quietly exited the kitchen before going back upstairs. I wondered if it was a bad idea to risk leaving to go see Felix. I decided to get him to come to Louis's instead. Well, it wasn't exactly just Louis's house anymore.
When Felix arrived, I let him in quietly. Louis was still asleep at the kitchen table, as far as I knew. I wanted him to get some rest. He looked beyond exhausted. He would probably sleep better in a bed, but I couldn't bring myself to wake him up.
I hugged Felix tightly, burying my face in his neck.
He hugged me back, arms tight around my waist. I'd spent a good hour talking to him before I'd gone to sleep and he knew how difficult my situation was.
"How're you, H?" he murmured, voice mostly lost in my hair.
I shrugged.
"Let's go to my room. I don't want to wake Louis up," I muttered.
Felix gave me a strange look. I hadn't explained where Louis had fallen asleep. I ignored it and led him up the stairs and down the hall to my room.
"Nice place," Felix commented, looking around my incredibly messy room.
"I haven't gotten a chance to unpack and put everything away," I protested.
"You've had two days," he argued, smiling, "And all you do is hide up here."
I nodded before flopping back onto my bed. Felix followed suit. I curled into his side. I felt safe with him, secure. If it weren't for Louis, I'd probably head over heels in love with Felix.
But it was like Louis had my heart hidden away deep in the blue of his eyes and he was refusing to give it back, typical to his stubborn nature.
"I really don't think that I can do this," I whispered against Felix's throat, "I thought it was bad when he didn't know. I wanted him to know, because I thought that it was better than having to hide it. But this..."
Felix sighed quietly and tightened his grip on me.
"I woke up in the middle of the night cause I had to wee and I went downstairs cause I saw a light was on. And fuck, Felix, he was awake and he was just sitting there in the kitchen and crying. And when he noticed that I was standing there...he looked at me and it broke my heart because he looked so upset. He's blaming himself, I know he is," I mumbled.
"You know that you have to put yourself first in order to stay safe. I know that it's hurting you to hurt him, and I may be slightly selfish in saying this, but if it keeps you from regressing, then maybe doing something that hurts him is the only way," Felix said gently.
"But hurting him hurts me," I protested.
"I think that no matter what you do, it will still hurt," he replied.
"I want it to stop hurting," I complained.
He gave me a little half-smile and said, "I don't think you get a say I that."
"I'm sorry," I said quietly.
"For what?" he asked.
I shrugged, which was a slightly difficult movement in the position that we were in.
"If I hurt you," I replied.
Felix sighed for so long that it was comical and I laughed.
"Don't worry about me. I'm a big boy. I can handle it," he said.
I snorted, "You're younger than me."
"By like half a year. But I am bigger than you height-wise. And that's what matters," he said.
I rolled my eyes at him.
We talked for a little while longer, occasionally getting distracted by wrestling playfully.
"You eaten today?" he asked, carding his fingers through my hair.
"No," I replied.
I could feel his immediate displeasure.
"I woke up and called you and then I've been with you since. I haven't had time," I protested.
Felix sat up, ignoring my attempts to pull him back down.
"H, you know you need to eat when you get up," he said sternly.
"I did yesturday! And the day before! And all of last week. I just forgot today, I'm sorry," I said, pouting at him.
Felix rolled his eyes, but he smiled.
"Come on, then," he grunted as he pulled me up.
I didn't let go of his hand as we walked down to the kitchen.
"You want anything?" I asked as we walked in.
Felix stopped and suddenly looked the slightest bit uncomfortable, something that was unfamiliar to me.
I followed his gaze.
Louis was looking back at us, leaning against the counter. He held a mug in his hands.
From the brief glance that I allowed myself, my throat constricted. His eyes were bloodshot and swollen and the dark circles under his eyes were even more noticible.
"Hello, Louis," Felix said cheerfully, breaking the silence.
He walked over to our fridge and opened it, scrunching his nose at the choices, or lack thereof.
"Felix," Louis said simply, his voice gravelly and tired.
He took a sip of his tea and sighed quietly. I snuck a quick look at him. He was still the most beautiful person that I had even laid my eyes on, but he looked so worn and tired. It made my heart ache.
"What do you want, H? We could go out," Felix suggested.
"No, you can't," Louis interrupted, "He's not supposed to be out in public yet."
"Oh, you're right. Sorry, I forgot," Felix said easily, "I could go out and get us something, then."
"It's fine. We can just like...eat the leftover take away," I mumbled.
Felix frowned at me.
"You said that it hurt your stomach," he said.
I could feel Louis's eyes snap up to look at me.
"You know how it is. Remember how bad it was in the beginning?" I snorted, "I just need to get used to it again."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Louis sag against the counter, his head dropping.
"Have you got anything else?" Felix asked him.
"I don't fucking know," Louis snarled, tensing up again, "Figure it out."
Felix nodded seriously.
"I just didn't want to start going through everything and seem invasive," he said.
Louis snorted, "You've already fucking invaded my life. Just go ahead and invade everything else."
I was taken aback with how downright mean he was acting.
Felix managed to find a box of not quite yet expired cereal.
"We can just eat in your bed," he said, winking at me and slipping out of the kitchen, expecting me to follow.
I started to follow him.
"Wait. Harry," Louis said quietly from behind me, his voice more gentle than it had been with Felix.
I didn't turn around, but I stopped. I didn't want to talk about what had happened.
"Management called again. You should call them back. Figure out everything. Yeah," he said.
His voice was almost inaudible with how quiet it was. He sounded so miserable.
I nodded.
"And um. I don't sleep much anymore, so. Don't like worry or something if you see lights on," Louis added quickly.
I heard the scraping of his ceramic mug on the counter and the padding of feet as he came and brushed past me.
He jogged up the steps and I saw how hard he was biting his lip. I inhaled slightly. He left behind the slightest scent of something that could only be described as pure Louis.
I ran my hands through my hair. I hated how upset he sounded, especially because I knew that it was my fault.
I walked up the stairs and into my room to find Felix lounging on my bed.
"What'd he say?" he asked, offering me the cereal.
"Just told me to call our management back and that he doesn't sleep much, so I shouldn't worry if I see lights on," I said.
I poured a handful of cereal into my mouth and wrinkled my nose. It wasn't disgusting, but it was rather stale.
"He doesn't like me much. It's rather amusing," Felix chuckled.
"Yeah, I noticed. What's that about, anyways?" I asked.
He shrugged.
"In all honesty, I think he's jealous," he said simply.
I stared at him.
"You know. He was your best friend and now he thinks that I'm his replacement and all that jazz. He's probably upset because you're doing everything with me that you've always done with him," he explained, "And I might have upset him when I visited him a while ago. But I'm fairly sure that he's always hated me. It's okay though. I'd hate me too if I were him."
"Just like he's always hated Nick," I murmured, "He always said that it was because he thought that Nick wanted in my pants, but I've always had a hunch that he just didn't like having to share."
We sat in silence for a while, occasionally snorting at how difficult it was to eat the cereal.
Finally, Felix piped up, asking, "Did you see how he reacted when you said whatever you said about how it hurt when you started eating again?"
"I wasn't looking at him," I replied honestly.
"I feel bad for him, you know. I know that you're doing what might be best for you, but I do feel bad, just like you do. He just got this look on his face; it was rather depressing. Like defeat and guilt and that sort of shit," he said.
I nodded.
"I hate doing this. Why do I have to live with him?" I mumbled into the crook of his neck.
"You have to work with him anyways. I know that you don't like this, but at least it's giving you two the opportunity to adjust a little bit to each other before you have to start working together again," he said.
"I don't think I'll get used to it, though. I hardly was used to him before I fucking fell in love with him," I snorted.
"He definitely is a rather complicated person to understand," Felix replied.
We laid in silence again, occasionally shifting and prodding at each other to get to a more comfortable position.
I was half-asleep before a thought occurred to me.
"Felix?" I asked.
He grunted, evidentially partially asleep as well.
"What aren't you telling me about Louis?" I asked quietly, "There's something that all of you leave out when you talk about him."
Felix opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling for a few moments. His eyebrows furrowed as he thought.
"You're a rather perceptive person, Harry, and we, at least I, haven't really been trying to hide that there's more to the story. But it's one of those things that Louis needs to talk to you about himself and he's eventually going to have to. The lads came and talked to me and asked if they should tell you or not and I said that, at the time, you weren't ready. Maybe you are now, but Louis isn't, I don't think," he explained.
"That's not fair. Why do you get to know?" I whined.
I remembered how Louis had been so upset when he hadn't known why I was cutting and all the other boys did. I supposed that I was in almost the exact same situation.
Now that I knew how it felt, it really fucking sucked.
"Because I know you and they didn't know if you should know, so they asked me," he sighed.
"He didn't like...try to kill himself, did he?" I asked in a small voice.
"No. Not as far as I know. There was a time when we thought that he might, though. This...thing that he had to go through was incredibly traumatic, and he was already dealing with the trauma of what happened with you. It's a sensitive subject, H. Don't bring it up unless he does," Felix warned.
"I won't," I grumbled, "I'm trying to avoid talking to him anyways."
Felix eventually left and I realized that I was incredibly alone in the house with Louis. There was no way to dodge him if he wanted to talk.
Part of me wanted him to make me listen. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to fall deeper in love with him because it was such an amazing feeling when I wasn't torturing myself with the knowledge that he would never be mine.
I wanted him to tell me what had happened to him. I wanted to know what had added all of the years etched into his face.
I wanted him to look at my scars with that dumbfounded look of grief and hurt and fear and worry. I wanted him to trace them with his fingers and beg me 'never again'.
I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss my scars and my face and my mouth. I wanted everything that I couldn't have.
I wanted him to do a lot of things.
I laid in my bed and waited.
But he never came.


Louis's POV

'Harry Styles, age 19, was admitted into a rehabilitation center six months ago after an attempted suicide and months of starving and self-harming.
"I think I was dead for a long time before I actually tried to, you know. I didn't really care about anything. I just sort of was in a daze most of the time," Styles says.
When asked about what caused his downward spiral, he remains tight-lipped.
"It's rather personal to me. I'm not ready to share it. I know that a lot of people think that it's because of the fame or getting hate, but it's not," he says.
Wouldn't everybody love to know, though! Long before he attempted suicide, it was obvious that he wasn't doing very well. In many pictures, his ribs show through his shirts, and if his sleeves or bracelets aren't all the way down, some of his scars are visible.
It was a scary time for everybody.
"I know that I caused a huge amount of people stress and worry. My friends, family, the fans. I tried to hide it for a while, but again, I got to a point where I just didn't care about anything but trying to make it through another day."
We all know how we felt when we first saw those pictures of the emergency room. (See on the bottom) All of the boys were looking out of their minds with worry, but Harry was missing.
And then Liam dropped the bomb via Twitter.

''You've probably all seen the pictures, and we feel that you guys deserve to know the truth. Harry tried to commit suicide today.'

'He has been stabilized but he isn't awake yet.'

'It is in no way our fans' fault, it was because of something personal to him.'

'We really need everyone's support right now so please send your thoughts this way.'

'I'll try to keep you guys' updated.''

Of course, the whole One Direction fandom all but exploded over the news.
Everybody on the Internet virtually held hands and prayed for Harry Styles.
But six months of being carefully monitored, we have to admit that he looks great.
"They're very careful. I hate to say it because it is rather horrible, but I was addicted to the pain of hurting myself. So when I was allowed to, I worked out. I used the pain from pushing my body to its limits instead of cutting," he explains.
We have to say that it definitely payed off. Wait until you see his new muscles!
"I am better. I mean, a lot of people don't realize that self-harming is just as much of an addiction as any drug. So I do have to deal with that every day, but it's definitely gotten better. One of the things that always kept me from suicide was knowing that I would hurt people. And it got to the point where I didn't even care. But I think that if I ever do slip again, which I definitely don't think that I will, the memory of my family and friends and seeing what they had to go through because of me will keep me from going too far," Styles says, a definite sadness in his voice.
Hopefully, he doesn't.
When asked for any other comment, he just smiles and says, "I'm so happy to be back. I'm really excited to be able to return to doing what I love and seeing all of the fans and people who I wasn't able to see for six months. It'll take a while to adjust, but I'm looking forwards to it."
We're just as excited for his return!'

I rolled my eyes and exited out of the website.
Harry had apparently called management back and fed them a few quotes to give to the media. Now every blog and magazine was shitting themselves to make articles about it.
He hadn't said anything much, really. I knew that management wanted him to have a whole conversation with details and such on a talk show or something.
It had been three days since he had seen me in the kitchen.
I hated thinking about it.
I had seen the bewildered, guilty look on his face before he had all but ran away.
I had simply put my head back down and resumed crying with vigor.
In three days, I had seen more of Felix than I had of Harry.
I hated Felix with a passion, and he knew it. I had a feeling that he was almost smug about it.
He was always so fucking happy around me and it drove me crazy to see them cuddled up on the sofa watching a movie or hearing them giggle on Harry's room.
The only time I ever saw Harry without Felix was in the morning when we sometimes awkwardly met in the kitchen and at night when I dutifully asked if he needed anything and if he had eaten enough on that given day.
He always said no, he was fine, and yes, he had eaten enough calories.
Harry was getting restless, I could tell. I knew that he hated being cooped up for long. He couldn't get out of our house and I wondered how long it would be until he was allowed.
I felt bad, really. But it gave me the opportunity to at least try and engage a conversation without him leaving the house.
It never worked.
I yawned and put my laptop down, tired of seeing all of the articles about Harry. I turned on the television to some random show and drifted off into my own mind.
I didn't hear Harry come in.
I jumped about a foot off of the sofa when he lightly tapped my shoulder.
I whirled around. There was the tiniest smile on his face and it quickly vanished when our eyes met.
"Sorry," he muttered, "Um. So management said that I have that big interview thing in two days. It's um, solo, I think, but they want you all there, so. It's in the evening, I think. I don't know, they'll probably call you."
"Oh. Thanks for letting me know," I said quietly.
He hovered for a moment, anticipating that I would add something.
"Do you want to watch this with me?" I asked.
Harry hesitated, glancing at the screen and then back down to the floor.
"You weren't watching it in the first place," he commented.
I smiled lightly.
He didn't.
"No," he added.
He turned around and vanished up the stairs.
My smile faded and I swallowed thickly.
I remembered a time where he would have eagerly complied. He would have sat down on my lap and nuzzled into me like a cat. We probably wouldn't have payed attention to the program, just each other.
But it wasn't that time any more. Now was a time that he avoided me at all costs. God forbid that he even brush against me, let alone sit on my lap.
I absently wiped a stray tear off of my cheek and sniffled, trying to keep the rest from coming.
I turned back to the program. I had no idea what it even was about, nor did I find that I really cared.