Just friends, best friends -Johnnyboy

part twenty six : Johnny

We arrived at a hospital late into the night, they took January in an emergency room, there could be so many things wrong with her, but for right now, I was so grateful she survived. The anger I felt towards her  yesterday or even earlier today all faded away when I saw her open her eyes in the car, looking up at me and using all she had to smile, even a little bit. She didn't have to say anything at all, I knew she didn't mean what happened to me. Now, Pony, Soda, Darry and I sit waiting in the waiting room, praying for some good news. Time felt irrelevant now. It felt like no amount of time would matter, we could be waiting here for hours, days, and it just wouldn't matter. My heart was still catching up with my head, still trying to wrap around the fact that Veronica is dead, and January could have gone with her, but she's here fighting. That's what I had instead of sense of time, these thoughts, these scenerios I am making up in my head before hearing the full story. It's half past midnight, there is no one here except us. Empty hospitals felt unreal. They felt like afterlife, the empty walls, long hallways, the smell, didn't feel lifelike. Pony reached for me hand, he was cold, almost as cold as January was when we found her. I looked up at him.

"Everything is going to be okay." He tried to look me in the face, but his head stayed down.

I forced a smile.

I'm not sure if things would ever be fully okay again. Things may not have changed, but they surely wouldn't be the same. Pony and I, January and Veronica had all come and gone on similar busses, what happened to Veronica could have happened to any one of us.

"Johnny." Pony intertwined his fingers with mine,

I looked at him, he had finally found my eyes.

"What are you thinking about?" He tilted his head a bit.

"Everything."

"It could have been us Pon, it could have been me to lose you." I whimpered.

"But it wasn't J, we are here." He added his other hand to mine.

"I can't imagine how January is feeling." I sighed.

"Do you think she loved Veronica in the way I love you?" I asked.

"I don't think in that way, but I do know it was the other way around. Veronica told me her feelings for her." Pony explained quietly.

That explains a lot. Veronica saved Jan, for that reason, in the name of love. But she didn't feel the same way.

"Do you think she will change her mind ever?" I added on to my question.

"You'd have to ask her that." Pony sighed, then smiled.

It was hard to grasp the idea that someone can feel something in the way I feel for Pony, and not have the feelings be mutual, I wonder if Veronica knew.

Soda had fallen asleep, Darry went to get water, and I was close to also falling asleep. Pony patted his shoulder as a motion that I could rest my head there. And I did. Feeling more now than ever grateful I had someone's shoulder to lie on. 

I dreamt of an open road, driving down with Ponyboy by my side. We went so fast it felt as if we weren't moving at all. The wind was howling, but it felt so freeing. I wanted it to be real, I want to feel as free as a bird once more, even only for a little while. In my dreams is the closest I get to flying, not only that but having no thoughts, no worries or fears. 

I awoke to Pony shaking me rapidly. 

"J wake up, we can go see Jan!" He seemed excited.

I blinked until my eyes could fully open. The lights had dimed since I was last awake. I hastily followed Pony and Darry to her room. Soda still fast asleep, Darry's jacket over him. 

We walked in slowly, one at a time in an attempt to not intimidate her. She had cuts and bruises on her face, what looked like a sprained wrist and an almost black eye. I bit my bottom lip trying to imagine the pain. She fixated her eyes on me, then attempted a smile.

"Hey Jan." Pony said sitting on the side of the bed, placing a hand on her leg.

"Hi." She seemed elated that we were there.

"How do you feel?" Pony tilted his head, keeping his hand on her. I looked to the side purposefully.

"Just a little headache." She replied softly. Everything about her had toned down. She didn't seem the same. I can't blame her though.

"I'm sorry.. about..." I began to say.

"Johnny, don't." Pony cut me off.

I kept my head down, I didn't really know what to say, or think.

"I'm gonna wait outside." I said exiting.

January probably thinks I'm still mad at her about what happened at the party. I'm not.. really.. it's more about how Ponyboy has been acting since she came back and the accident happened. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, or I'm still in shock or some other emotion. I just felt sort of jealous I guess. I don't know. He hasn't been paying as much attention to me, even before Jan came back. 

Darry came out shortly after me, shutting the door behind him.

"Is everything okay?" I stood up from the bench outside the room.

"Uh...yeah." He hesitated.

I lifted my eyebrow. 

"Okay.." I replied.

He started back to the waiting room.

I turned the small corner and peeked through the glass in the door. Pony was holding her hand, slowly sliding it up to her shoulder. I saw them both smile, and giggle. He tucked her long black hair behind her ear, revealing another bruise. I didn't want to see anymore, but I did. He slowly leaned down and gently planted a kiss on the bruise. I turned my head the other way, hoping I saw wrong, or that I'm jumping to conclusions. I swallowed trying not to cry. I didn't know what to do, so I quickly looked for a nearby washroom. I ran to it and locked the stall door behind me. That's when I couldn't hold back the tears anymore. I didn't want it to be true. I didn't want him to have anyone but me. I get we have to hide, but, is that so much to ask for? He even did it after knowing what she did to me. My heart ached. I just sat on the ground, reimagining it over and over. Maybe, I thought, that's what Darry was so hesitant to tell me. Maybe he realized their tension just as I did. I was unsure of what to do, when I leave this bathroom, I either have to confront Ponyboy, or pretend like I didn't see anything. Both seemed impossible. It seemed like we had just taken a huge step forward together, with the gang knowing, and now he wants to reverse it. I wanted to take a chance, and see if he would lie to me. I wanted to pretend I didn't see anything and test his honesty with me. I was trusting that he would at least tell me the truth.