Fix Me

chapter seven

What was I thinking?

What the hell was I thinking?

My body shakes horribly as I get into the elevator. My legs immediately turning into jello as soon as the steel doors close and I have to grip the bar to keep myself from sliding onto the floor.

I push my back into the wall trying to ground myself, pressing my feet as far into the floor as possible. Everything feels unreal, this entire apartment building a figment of my imagination. It feels like I will fall through the ground at any moment, simply because it isn't there.

The loud ding of the elevator chimes signaling the end of the ride. I stumble out of the large machine as if I'm drunk, but in reality my nerves are so bunched together that all my body feels is a large string of numbness that's making it hard to walk.

It feels like years until I finally get to my car. Once inside, I release a deep breath that I had been holding ever since I turned my back on him for the second time today.

I'm not even entirely sure why I followed him back to his place. I followed him here and then sat in the car for a little over an hour before finally building up the courage to step foot in the building. I had no idea what I was going to say to him or if I wanted to say anything at all.

It was almost like my subconscious told me I had to follow him for some reason. I had to know where he was staying, what he was doing. I had to know so I could rule myself out as a crazy person because even after our confrontation the first time, it was too hard for my brain to process that it was actually him I was talking to. I saw him physically, but mentally I was still hallucinating him. Talking to a person who wasn't even here.

He acted so different. He was timid and nervous. His voice stuttered and he barely looked into my eyes. I half expected him to force me inside and not let me walk away from him for the second time. I thought he would force me to have a conversation with him, a big throwback to my first week at our prestigious private school.

But he just let me go. I heard the door shut behind me just as soon as I turned the corner. Oddly it felt like I was in control. Which is something I've never had with him.

And clearly I still don't seeing as I followed him back to his apartment like an actual stalker. Clearly I still lack any brain cells when it comes to him. What the fuck is wrong with me?

I shouldn't have went, I really shouldn't have. Definitely the dumbest thing I've done since getting shit faced and running around the baseball field in a bikini with Anna in forty degree weather while Caroline recorded from the side standing in between Kyle and Danny who were both just as shit faced as us eating ice cream sundaes on the ground.

It was a wild night.

Why didn't he force me to stay? I would be lying if I said I wasn't counting on it. I was counting on him wrapping his firm hands, that always happens to be super warm, around my wrist and pulling me back into his apartment. He would have locked it behind me and maybe yelled or just looked at me really sternly.

And yes, after all these years I still remember the temperature of his skin. It's hard to forget when he was always so warm which was a perfect contradiction to my skin which always gave off the impression that I lived in the north pole.

He's changed I think, and that scares the absolute shit out of me. I can tell he has by the way that whole thing just went down. I didn't expect to have so much control over that situation. I'm honestly still in such complete shock that I haven't even started the car yet, I've just been sitting here.

He looked like he was getting ready to go somewhere. He definitely was heading out the door because he opened it and I hadn't even knocked. I wonder where he was going and if he's still going. If he is then that means...