Fix Me

chapter thirty one

I haven't come out of the room since I went inside.

I just needed to think, I needed to be away from him even if it was only a door separating us. What happened yesterday was not okay. What happened yesterday wasn't supposed to happen ever again.

It's okay for him to get angry at me, it's normal for couples to get angry at each other. What's not normal is yelling in the middle of a grocery store or grabbing someones wrist so tightly that it leaves a red mark to bruise later on. It's fine to get angry but it's not fine to do those other things. 

The worst part is that I didn't even do anything to make him that mad. Normally I would blame myself, but I can't even find a blame to put on myself that would justify why he got so mad. He just flipped a switch. One minute he was kissing my neck and caressing my hip and the next minute he was yelling at me.

I guess maybe something triggered him or he snapped. I don't really know what's been going through his head lately so I really am clueless right now.

Regardless of the reason, he made me feel like I was a naive little sixteen year old girl fresh out of the orphanage again and I hate that. I hate the way he made me feel after saying he would never make me feel like that again.

He was banging on the door all night trying to get me to open it. He apologized profusely on the other side of the wood. He just kept rambling different forms of apologies for hours until eventually he fell silent. Maybe he gave up or fell asleep.

I haven't slept at all. I've been up all night. I'm in the same clothes, my ripped black leggings and his black hoodie. I haven't moved from my position on the bed all night, curled up on the side that he usually sleeps on.

I haven't cried or anything, I've just been laying here. I really don't know how to feel. I'm not ready to talk yet I just want to think more. Why'd he have to do this so close to his surgery? We aren't supposed to be fighting right now, it complicates things.

I roll over and look at his alarm clock that reads 11:00am. He has to go the the airport to pick up Louis in three hours. I sit up for the first time in what feels like days and immediately feel the ache between my legs from last night.

Slowly, I get up and grab some clothes from the dresser. Just some sweatpants and one of his large t-shirts. No matter how upset I am with him I won't stop wearing his clothes. No one knows this, but I still have some of his shirts and one of his hoodies in my room back at home. I wore them for a long time after the accident, but after that only when I had a bad day or was sad when thinking about him. I would wear them only when no one was home and keep them stuffed in the back of my closet.

My feet drag across the floor and over to the bedroom door. I need to take a shower.

When I go to open the door, Masons body jerks back and then forward catching himself from falling. I guess he did fall asleep at the door last night.

I quickly walk past him trying to make it to the bathroom with little interaction.

"Baby please talk to me" he pleads as I listen to his footsteps following close behind me. "Vanessa please" he begs again his voice low and scratchy from just waking up.

I get to the bathroom and close the door in front of him, locking it just in case he tries to follow me inside.

Immediately I take off my hoodie and leggings throwing them to the side before lifting my head to look in the mirror.

I knew there were going to be marks from last night, I want to assess them.

My neck took the worst hit. There are two big purple hickies on either side of my neck, along with the bruise that was already there from last weekend when Wren strangled me. It's going away but it's still noticeable. Now my neck is really red with super faint bruises from Masons finger tips when he was choking me.