Fix Me

chapter ten

I've decided on something.

Pretending to hate Mason is far more exhausting than I was ever willing to admit.

I'm not sure what prompted me to say those things to Mason. I think that being around him still gives me a form a comfort even after all these years, and for once I didn't feel angry with him.

The five minute walk we took brought me back to the feeling of peacefulness that I used to get when I was around him. I wasn't remembering all the times he was angry and how hurt I was when he left after the accident, but instead I was remembering the times when I would fall asleep on him or the times that he would hold me so close to his body that his scent consumed me and made me feel like I was in the clouds. It made me remember all the times he made me feel good about myself, all the times he made me feel beautiful and special. The times when we would laugh and joke with each other and the times when he would look at me like there was no one else in the room. Like I was the only one who existed in his world.

I felt safe with him.

My instincts didn't want to feel safe with him. I definitely didn't want to feel any of those things, but at the end of the day it's Mason. No matter how much I don't want to feel anything about him, I always will.

I am also tired of trying to feel what other people want me to feel.

Everyone has spent so much time trying to get me to see how bad he was to me that after a while that's all I could remember. They spent so much time telling me how much he manipulated and hurt me and they spent so much time constantly reminding me that I was better off without him.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still upset and angry with him and I do know that a lot of what went on in our relationship wasn't okay. The five minute walk in no way changed my opinion on how I feel about him right now, it was just nice to not feel that anger that I normally feel. It was nice to just feel calm and peaceful. It was nice to not be yelling at him or having to keep a hard look on my face. The silent walk was something I think maybe both of us needed.

It was good for me because it reminded me why I loved him without making me want to collapse because of the pain that loving him brought me.

And I meant what I said. I do want to talk to him, but I'm just not ready yet. I need to be able to do it with a clear conscious and there is still some things that I need to figure out for myself. 

I also don't feel comfortable unless he sees his mom first and really talks to her, and knowing him that's going to be a while so I think I bought myself enough time. I really do want him to fix his relationship with his family before we try to do anything. I think that's where a lot of his problems came from, both of our problems. Part of the reason our relationship was so toxic in the first place was because of our family issues. I've dealt with mine and now I'm not as insecure and dependent as I used to be and I'm really close with Amy, John, and Noah. I've accepted them as my family and I love them more than anything. A part of me wants that same thing for Mason too.

I've spent a lot of my time blaming him for everything that I never took into consideration that he was just probably trying to do the right thing for the first time and maybe that's why he left. It doesn't excuse his behavior, or the fact that he cut everyone off, or the fact that he didn't stay to face the consequences of what happened that day, but I see that he isn't the same person that he was when he left. Just the small things like asking if he could walk me home or asking if I wanted to come inside instead of making me feel like I didn't have a choice like he used to. Him leaving was wrong, but maybe he's getting the help he needs.

I could be wrong and maybe this is all in my head, but I'm just allowing myself to have the thoughts I've been too scared to acknowledge that I was having. I've been so scared to admit that I still care about him because I feel like after everything I shouldn't. I was scared that admitting these things would just turn me back into the person that I used to be and I would fold right back under him. But now that I've admitted it to myself, I don't feel any different. I just feel like I'm seeing things a lot clearer now.