Fix Me

chapter nine (Mason)

I sit on the black leather couch hovering over my phone that's sitting face up on the coffee table. For the past half hour I've been going back and forth trying to figure out if I should dial those ten numbers that would connect me with my mom.

I'm not sure why she put Vanessa in the middle of it. I wanted Vanessa to come to me because she wanted to not because my mom wanted her to. I just need to talk to her so bad and it's frustrating me because she won't give me a chance to explain. What if she never does? I'm leaving again in a few months and if I don't get a chance to talk to her then I don't know what I'll do.

My therapist did say that I needed to talk to my parents. I've already made up my mind about talking to my father which I'm not going to do. I didn't even talk to him much when I was living here so I don't see why I would do it now. Of course I want to talk to my mom...It's just been so long.

Maybe I'm just overreacting. If I talk to my mom maybe Vanessa will talk to me. Maybe she'll see I'm trying.

I groan and get up to start pacing around the room. This shouldn't be this complicated. When I left I cut communication with everyone for a reason. My mom was supposed to be happy with my father, not spend her years worrying about me. I left so that she wouldn't have to worry about me anymore because that's all she ever did. Me leaving was supposed to be good for everyone not the opposite. It was hell for me but I didn't care, as long as everyone else was happy.

I take another glance at my phone that's still sitting quietly on the coffee table waiting for me to pick it up. My hands run over my face in frustration. I walk over to the kitchen area and open the top cabinet and grab my bottle of bourbon.

I unscrew the cap and bring the bottle to my lips. I only drink when I can't have a smoke and I don't like smoking in my apartment.

Taking a drink of the liquor, I walk back over to the living room and sit on the couch. I grab my phone and quickly dial my moms number before I can think any harder about it.

"Mason?" she immediately answers the phone after the first ring. I take another drink before answering her.

"You shouldn't have went to Vanessa" I state bluntly.

She sighs. "You haven't talked to me in four years. What other choice did I have?"

"You had a lot of fucking choices, going through Vanessa shouldn't have been one of them" I bring the bottle back up to my lips and take another gulp of the bourbon.

After a few silent seconds, I hear sniffles on the other end of the phone making me furrow my eyebrows.

"Mom are you crying?" I ask sitting the bourbon bottle down on the glass table.

"I just," she sniffles. "I haven't seen you in so long and I worry about you all the time and I just-" another sniffle. "I miss my son"

I rub my temples in frustration. "Mom stop crying"

"I just don't understand why you left and cut everyone off Mason" she sniffles again.

"Because it was the best thing for everyone" I remove the phone from my ear and put it next to me on the couch after tapping the speaker button.

"What are you talking about?" she asks in confusion.

"If I stayed I would be hurting everyone worse than what I already have. So I left. Your lives are better without me in it"

"No it isn't-"

"Don't bullshit me right now" I cut her off harshly. "Don't say it's not true because you of all people know it is. Where the fuck do you think I got the idea from?"