you are loved. - r.lupin (ft. THE s.black)

you are loved.

Teaching normally came easy for Caroline and she enjoyed it all the time, except for when someone barges into her classroom and makes petty comments.

Caroline did not like Professor Umbridge, the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, at all. One of the reasons why she didn't like Umbridge was because Severus thought he was going to get the job but another reason for why Caroline didn't like her is because she was annoying as fuck. 

It was now June of 1996 and Caroline sat next to no one in the Great Hall, surprisingly. Umbridge normally sat next to her and made weird sounds when she ate, like a mouse or a squirrel. They were little squeaks in between bites and she ate her food very slowly, cutting them into tiny pieces. 

Caroline was confused to notice multiple seats in the Great Hall missing, some being at the Gryffindor table. Her eyebrows furrowed and she felt her heart beat deafening the sounds in the Great Hall as she noticed that Harry and Luna were both missing, along with some of Harry's friends.

Her frown grew even more when she saw a snowy white owl fly in. It dropped a letter on Professor McGonagall's plate and Caroline watched as McGonagall's face fall as she read a letter. McGonagall looked up and stared at Caroline sadly, tears forming in her eyes.

That was when Caroline knew something horrible had happened. 

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"I don't understand," Caroline repeated for the hundredth time that night. She sat at the long table in the dining room at 12 Grimmuald Place, somewhere she called home, but it didn't feel like home.

The air was cold and eerie, the only sounds filling the room were sobs and sniffles. Hermione was crying into a tissue, Remus was trying his best to blink back tears, Harry was wiping away his tears with his already tear-stained sleeve, and Luna was trying to explain everything as best as possible.

Everyone besides Luna was crying so it was up to the 4th year to explain everything that happened at the Ministry. It was a bit hard to do so when Caroline kept saying she didn't understand.

"He's gone," Luna repeated for what felt like the hundredth time. "He was fighting alongside Harry and Bellatrix Lestrange got him when he wasn't looking. He was knocked back into the Veil, we all saw it happen."

Caroline stared into Luna's eyes, wondering if this was some sort of sick joke or not. Remus didn't want to believe it either but he was forced to when he saw it happen, right in front of him. "He's gone," Remus muttered. "There's no body so we can't even give him a proper burial either."

"Miss Pettigrew, you have the rest of the school year off, if you need it," Professor Dumbledore offered. "You'd still be receiving income though." He mentioned income as if money mattered to Caroline at this point.

"Right," Caroline blinked. "Yes, I would appreciate that. Excuse me."

She left her chair and walked up to the bedroom that her and Sirius shared. Caroline laid on her side of the bed and waited for Sirius to come to bed but he never did. She looked over at Sirius' empty spot and frowned.

Caroline didn't shed one tear over Sirius' death, she just couldn't bring herself to do so. If she did, Caroline wasn't sure if she'd ever be able to stop.

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Caroline quit her job. 

For four months, she locked herself away inside her bedroom and she cried. Caroline knew she was right when she thought she wouldn't be able to stop. She cried every minute of every hour of every day, on a never ending circle of tears.

This was exactly what Caroline was afraid of. She thought she was safe with Sirius, that there was no possible way that he could leave her again. It seemed like all the men she loved left her, whether they meant to or not. 

Caroline was tired, just so tired. Tired of crying, tired of mourning, tired of opening her heart, tired of talking, tired of everything. She just hated everything.

"Fuck this shit," Caroline muttered. She grabbed her wand of the nightstand and held the tip against the side of her head. "Everything's gonna be fine, Caroline. You're going to see Lily again and James and Marlene and Sirius. Maybe even Regulus. It's going to be fine."

Remus heard Caroline's mumbling from his bedroom. He tried to distance himself from her, thinking that she would heal if she just had space but it only seemed to get worse.

His brown eyes widened when he realized what she was going to do and he left his room as quickly as possible, rushing down the hall and banging on Caroline's door. He didn't stop banging until the door swung open and Caroline was standing in the doorway.

Caroline's hair was unruly and knotty, longer than usual since she hadn't bothered to cut it. Her cheeks were tear-stained and her eyes were puffy and swollen, the pupils of her eyes dimmer than usual.

Remus didn't know what to do. If he just left, then she would proceed to going back to what he thought she was going to do but if he stayed, well, if he stayed, he didn't know what would happen.

Hesitantly but quickly, Remus wrapped his arms around Caroline and hugged her tightly. Caroline was frozen at first, she hadn't been this close to a person in months. 

Eventually, Caroline's arms moved and she hugged Remus back, just not as tightly. Her tears wet Remus' thin shirt and soaked through but Remus didn't mind it, as long as Caroline was somewhat okay. 

"Don't leave me," Remus whispered. "Don't leave me or Harry or Luna or even Severus. Don't leave any of them."

Caroline weakly nodded, not saying anything.

"I know it hurts now, I can't say it won't hurt later," Remus said quietly. "I know the temptation is strong, with all our best friends on the other side." His voice cracked and tears formed in his eyes as Caroline silently cried into his shirt. "But some of us are still here and if you leave, I don't know what I'd do. Harry still needs one of us around but I don't think I'd be able to stay."

"I'll stay if you stay, Care. Just promise me that you'll stay," he muttered sadly. "Promise."

"I promise," Caroline whispered, clinging onto him tightly like he might disappear like Sirius had. When Sirius used to cling to Caroline when they slept, Caroline didn't understand why he was so scared of her leaving but now she understood. She understood perfectly. "You stay, I stay."

"James and Lily and Sirius and Marlene might be gone now but we can continue to live, for them," Remus said confidently while sniffling. "Their lives were all so short and they barely got the chance to live properly. They're probably looking at us from heaven, laughing because we're absolute messes." He let out a shaky chuckle and Caroline giggled.

"I can imagine that," Caroline managed to choke back sobs. "James, Marlene, and Sirius would probably be laughing and Lily would be hitting them for being rude."

Remus laughed again and he kissed the top of Caroline's head. "Please don't leave me, Care. I can't handle another one of us, gone. Please stay, for me."

Caroline stayed quiet for a moment. 

"There are so many people who still need you here," Remus pleaded. "Caroline, don't leave, not yet. I don't think any of us can handle another death, especially with the war coming."

"Is it bad that I'm scared?" Caroline asked sadly. "I'm scared to fight, but I'm scared to survive. If I survive, what if everyone else is gone?"

"No one's going to leave you, darling. And even if they did, they would still be watching over us," Remus assured, his voice barely above a whisper. "Caroline Pettigrew, I know you don't realize it yet, but you are loved."