Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

1

The loud voices of my parents have already awakened me a long time ago, yet my body really comes to life when my mother barges in my room to yank the curtains open in a swift movement. 'Kimora!' she yells. Her sharp voice provides me with a headache. 'Get out of bed, right now!' I don't even get the time to remove the blanket myself. She grabs the fabric and snatches it away from me. 'Hurry up, otherwise you'll be late for your entrance examination!'

She acts like the world is ending if that were to happen. Her world, because that's the only one that truly matters. Mine is not important.

'Kimora!' she yells with a firm voice. I can't stand that she keeps standing here beside my bed, commanding me. I had thought I might've gotten used to it by now, but it still irritates me. The reason I decide to get out of bed to get myself dressed and go to that stupid test, is that I don't have to see her for at least a few hours. That was exactly the reason the other two times I decided to go to these entrance exams. Why doesn't she seem to realise that it's never going to happen? Why does she remain so persistent with this?

'I don't understand why you keep trying,' my father says as he shows up in the doorway. He looks only at my mother and doesn't seem to acknowledge my existence. While remaining utterly in the shadow, I continue getting dressed while he keeps saying it's a waste of money and time to invest in me and my future. 'She's clearly not good enough,' he says. 'She failed both examinations two times already! Why do we keep spending money on this, while it's obvious she won't ever succeed?'

If I didn't know better, his words would truly hurt me a lot. What parent expresses doubts about their child in her presence? What parent insists on their child walking the same path as they have, scolding her if she doesn't? What parent talks their child down like that? If I weren't capable of understanding those tests and if I didn't fail them on purpose, his words could've destroyed me.

'She's so close, every time!' my mother mumbles reluctantly. It's clear she doubts my capabilities as well, but she still wants to believe I can make it. Her daughter has to reach the highest level possible, so the possibility of her not being capable to handle it, does not in any circumstances exist. 'I can't understand!' my father yells. 'Why doesn't she think about her future?!'

I wonder when I finally will be able to start thinking about my own future and not theirs.

I put on my sweater and sling my backpack around my shoulder. Without saying even a word to them, I walk past my father and enter the living room. 'You have to eat something!' my mother yells before she follows me. This is not the voice of a mother who's concerned about her daughter and wants her to feel well. This is the voice of a mother who's read one can't perform well with an empty stomach and that's the reason she wants me to eat something, so I can finally pass the exams.

'Kimora!' she shouts as she provides my backpack with a lunchbox. She then puts her hands on my shoulders and stares at me intensely intrusive. 'This is very important for the future of our family.' She pronounces every world very slowly, as if I'm too stupid to understand them otherwise. 'The others are beginning to lose their respect for our family. All of their sons and daughters are studying business economics or medicine. We can't stay behind. It's in our most importance you succeed these examinations. Or at least one of them.'

'Forget it, Suki,' my father says in a disappointed voice. 'I give up. After two months, our child can still do nothing more than keep whining about Hikaru.'

That's it. That's the final straw.

I tear away from my mothers' grasp and walk towards the door. 'When are you going to choose for the living, Kimora?!' my father calls after me. 'When will you start to turn away from the dead?!' He keeps shouting at me, but I slam the door shut behind me.

My heart is racing fast and I can feel my blood boiling. Every time when I get close to giving in, my parents find a way to blow it. Why should I throw away my own future for their dream, while everything I do isn't good enough and everything I do won't ever be good enough?

'Kimora.' Miyuki's voice sounds more like a warning than it sounds excited. The fact that the other girls stop whispering and giggling, confirms that they were again talking about me. It's odd I'm still a frequently talked about subject of the day, while I didn't achieve anything yet. Well, maybe that's precisely the reason why. 'Hello,' I say, greeting my fake friends with a fake smile. 'Are you ready?' Narumi asks when I join the group and we start walking to the metro stop.

Am I ready to spend a journey of roughly thirty minutes with a fake group of friends, who smile at me in my face, but laugh because of me behind my back?

'I guess I have to,' I mumble. I hope they'll let it go, but of course the failure of others is a tasty subject for them, so they continue talking about it. 'What do you think is the reason you struggle with the entrance examinations so much?' Narumi asks while we get in line to grab a cup of coffee.

When I don't answer immediately, she probably thinks I'm too dumb to understand her, because she adds: 'Is it the solvation of the formulas, the names of the medicines or calculating how much of them you need?' I look at the list of products and try to decide what coffee I shall order. 'If you want, I can help you.' I look at Narumi.

I don't know if she's able to teach me anything about those subjects. It's not in my nature to be any good in economics, biology or science, but my parents always imprinted me with practice, practice, practice. If I wouldn't fail on purpose, I would certainly get a higher result than she ultimately got when she got accepted at the university.

'I would also love to help you!' Miyuki joins in. I take a step forwards and can only hope the person in front of me orders quickly. 'I don't mind at all!' Both girls look straight at each other when they think I'm not paying attention, but I already saw the rivalry in their eyes. I supress an exasperated sigh and stay quiet, but that's not that easy when the other girls start joining in, agreeing they don't mind helping me.

Of course they want to help me. Their fathers and mothers work for the same company as where my mother acts as head manager. They would gladly help this poor, stupid girl by teaching her a few things, if that would mean a good word for their families. Because that's all that matters: the way the world sees you.

'What can I help you with?' the boy behind the counter asks kindly. I feel relieved when it's my turn. I step forward and order a vanilla latte. After I've paid and received my cup, the thought of fleeing in the metro and escape the group crosses my mind. Unfortunately, the doors are already closing and I find myself waiting for another three minutes to board the next. By the time the next metro arrives, our whole group is still together.

'Just think about it,' Narumi says persisting. The whole time, the girls try to give me some tips for the coming exams, but I just can't listen to them. Every now and then, I nod or mumble a word in between, but I just can't help but shut out all their slimy words. I try to ignore them, but I also can't help hearing them talk behind my back when we take our separate ways at the university. 'What a hopeless case,' Narumi says quietly. 'Worthless future,' Miyuki agrees. Whether they genuinely don't realize I can hear it or whether they don't care, I don't know, but I look away and enter the room where the entrance exams are being held.

I decide to forget about everything and to focus on these tasks. I start to lose myself in them and for a moment I can't think of anything else, but then I keep reminding myself I can't answer everything right.

It can't happen that I make it in here and that I have to embark on a miserable economics or medical study.