Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

41

'Better than a camping mat, don't you think?'

No matter how long I keep quiet, Raiden just keeps trying. It kind of reminds me of when we just started our alliance together. He threw annoying comments at my head and I didn't respond. Back then he did it for fun, but now he's clearly doing it to get in touch with me. However, I don't feel like contacting anyone at the moment.

I put on my running shoes and leave without saying anything to the others. I walk out of the house we've chosen to sleep in and start running. Pretty soon I start having problems with my breathing, because I'm going way too fast so that I don't have to think about anything. But it doesn't seem to matter how fast I run: all those images and Mira's voice easily catch up with me.

She really showed us all those images of the games that have been played. I saw things happen that I hadn't experienced myself, but also things that I did take part in. The hide and seek game, which I always try to skilfully hide, just keeps coming back. Everything just keeps coming back. Maybe I should stop resisting all my feelings and just accept them.

But I can't accept everything. There's simply no room for that. I think of everything I've done here so far and decide to push away the feelings I would most like to embrace.

New games are coming. We'll play games with the face cards. I immediately think of the witch hunt, in which dozens of people died. That was the worst game I've ever experienced, but not necessarily for me personally. I let people die, but I didn't kill anyone myself. Not then.

I think of the boy who crawled under the sink shocked and sad in the cinema, because I had shot his friend with a laser. If I had thought earlier and concluded that no one needed to die, I wouldn't be a murderer now. But I already was. The moment I chose to leave those two disabled on the ground and to bow myself over the last remaining player to take over the role of wolf, I became one. I let myself live by killing them. And I'd do it again.

That's it. I want to live even though I end up with those biting feelings in my body. Although I may not deserve it. I'll have to do whatever it takes to keep living. I've done that before and I'll continue to do so now. Now's not the time to collapse. I have to stay strong. How else do I want to clear those face cards?

"We, citizens, want to give you a present."

What did Mira mean by "citizens"? It sounded like she was referring to herself in a different way from the common people, because she called us "players".

I stop running to walk the last part back to the house, checking the watch I brought with me. The next phase will start in two hours, whatever it means. Then come the new games with the face cards. Shall I participate in them? I still have enough days of visa to do nothing for more than two weeks.

I think back to the afternoon when I signed up to play in a game, even though I didn't have to. I had nothing to do and I didn't want to spend my days doing nothing. That hasn't changed, so of course I'll continue to participate in the games again. Apparently, I like to hurt myself.

I don't even have to wonder if I have the right house in mind. Chishiya's sitting outside on the stairs and is reading a book. At first I think he doesn't feel like interacting with other people either, but when I get closer, he immediately looks up from his book to look at me. He doesn't say anything and neither do I. For a moment I just stand there and he just sits there, while we keep looking at each other. I don't know what to do with the situation, so I decide to go inside. But just before I want to do that, he asks: 'Did you have a good run?'

It reminds me of the Beach, when I just got there and he tried to start a conversation with me. It seems his social skills still haven't really improved since then, but I don't care. I appreciate his attempt to reach out to me, but I don't really know what to say back.