Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

8

I don't know what day it is or how many days have already passed. As if I have nothing better to do than keeping track of that. Oh, who am I kidding? I have nothing to do at all.

My days are filled with terror and nightmares. It doesn't even have to be night time for that. How many times in the past few days have I climbed that same gruesome rock face that it all started with? How many times have I stayed on the edge and eventually reached the top, only to look down again? How many times have I decided that I would jump, before climbing back down properly?

I don't deserve to live and yet, I keep doing it. Still, I stay in Borderland, on the verge of life and death. The guilt overpowers me every moment of the day and yet every time I can't bring myself to leap over the edge. Because if I'd do that, I might as well have let one of them live. But what did I do? I watched and waited for them to be so badly beaten, until I could easily deliver the final blow. Wataki's body was already so weak, that it didn't take much to get him to the ground.

"It's psychological. Your feelings are being played with and the focus lies on betrayal."

That's what I've done. Without even thinking about it, I played mind games with Wataki. I saw his doubt and insecurity about carving out his own eyes and I took advantage of that. It just came out of me, like it was a reflex, without even thinking about doing it.

I'm a terrible person and I don't deserve to live, yet I still keep doing it.

'What am I doing, Hikaru?' I ask her picture. 'How could I've let this happen? Why have I chosen my own life over theirs?' Although I don't feel anything inside, I also feel a lot at the same time. 'I feel how strong my urge to survive is. It's not the fear of dying. I don't know what it is. I.. just don't want to die.'

I keep looking at the face of my dead best friend, but the tears still aren't coming. I had hoped that when I looked at her picture, I would feel something again, but there's nothing. I'm so terribly sorry that nothing comes out, that I even try to force some tears. Without success.

I don't care how many tears I've already shed for her, I'd like to shed so many more. I want to remember her along with Shiori and Sato. I want to get mad at my parents when they force me to go to those stupid entrance exams and scold me for failing them over and over again. I want to be able to ignore my so-called friends when they try to get to me with those slimy words of theirs and laugh at me behind my back.

But I can't do anything. I don't want anything.

'I let them die, Hikaru,' I say out loud. 'Riana, Bozin and Wataki. She begged me not to let her die alone, but I kept running. I let her go and ran away. Wataki could've cleared the game if he had carved his own eyes out, but I talked him out of it.'

Whatever I do, I can't tear myself away from the images and I just keep reliving the event.

"Can you live with the fact that you let three people die?"

"Can you?!"

Yes. That's the worst of all. Yes, I can, because I do. Despite the guilt and biting disgust I feel for myself, I can. It was them or me and I chose me. And I'd do it again.

I want to live. That's exactly why I take the phone I got during the game out of my pocket and tap the screen to see how many days of visa I have left. I tap it a few times, but the screen doesn't light up. Either the battery is dead or the thing will turn off automatically after the game is cleared and a participant leaves the arena. After the first game I played, I kept track of the days. But now I was so intoxicated that I really don't remember how many days have passed.

It should be more than three, but would it be more than six? I try again, but the screen remains dark. I throw the thing a few meters away from me  and get up. There's nothing else to do: I'll have to play another game tonight to make sure my visa's not expired, because if that's the case, I will receive a laser through the head if I don't play tonight. And I'm really not looking forward to that. I've done too many terrible things already to prevent that.

I spend my afternoon looking for food and water, to which I retire to the building that in another life represents my house. It still feels strange that my parents don't come into my room nagging, or that I don't hear their voices through the walls. Still, despite everything, that is something I could get used to.

I even manage to sleep for a few hours and make myself presentable again. In a cumbersome way, I know how to wash myself with bottles of water and shampoo before putting on a set of clean clothes. I put the picture of Hikaru in my pocket and carefully store my two poker cards in my inner pocket. Then I look at myself in the mirror for the first time in ages.

Hikaru would be ashamed of me. Her parents would be ashamed of me.

Guilt is engraved all over my face. I keep looking at myself until it disappears. I can't show myself to the other participants of the game like that. It must appear as if I'm strong, indestructible, unimpressionable. So I keep looking at myself until I feel that way, too.

The other participants aren't going to see me broken. I don't let the thoughts and feelings of others guide me, I'll focus on myself. I'll also think this game through to achieve a good execution, to renew my visa and to collect another card. Because that's why I'm still here.

I look away from the mirror and put on a cardigan. Then I move myself out. It's starting to get dark. It's time to go.