Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

51 - ♥J

'What's the hardest thing you're going through in Borderland?'

Eight survivors, of which seven players and one jack. It never ends, but it should.

'Is this a joke?!' Hiro then bursts out. 'Everyone's fucking dying all the time!' He's on the verge of freaking out. I want to gauge the reactions of the others, but my brain is automatically stimulated to deal with the question just asked.

The hardest part isn't seeing people tearing down or being used, or being forced to do something to others or what they do to them. It's not that people keep dying around me or that I always almost die myself. I force myself to give the answer right away, so that it's out there and I can focus on clearing the game again.

'To not being able to do anything while the people I care about keep being in the possibility to die,' I say. I force myself not to feel the pain and think further about solving this game, but I can't manage when Chishiya gives his answer.

'Being constantly conflicted with my head and my heart,' he says. 'To experience how I change from someone who just wants to think about himself, to someone who wants to do everything possible to take care of her.. To accept these feelings and give them a place.'

At first he never let go of himself or his feelings, but now he's forced to. He doesn't want it at all, otherwise he would've said it to me already, but now he has to. He's not at all ready to tell me this, but he has no choice. If he wants to live, he has to. And I also want him to live.

I can't push my thoughts and feelings aside to focus. I can only look at him. 'Chishiya..' I want to take his hand, but I don't know if he wants to. He avoids my gaze and just keeps looking at the floor.

Damn it. I missed the answers of Genki and Enji.

'Who's the jack of hearts?'

We have had enough. We're absolutely fed up with this game. We don't want to answer any more questions and we don't want the others to know about us. It has to stop. We have to stop this. I have to try to stop this.

'He doesn't hate Borderland,' I force myself to speak. My voice is weak and absent. I try to focus myself, but my body is a roller coaster. 'He doesn't think his family misses him. He says "yes" when asked if he has ever used or influenced anyone during a game, as if he's proud of that.' I see Chishiya looking at me. He tries to focus on the game, but his feelings overpower him. 'He doesn't want to return to the real world,' I continue. 'He wouldn't give up his life for anyone. He doesn't regret anything bad, just that he didn't go to college, expressed in such a away as if he'll never ever get the chance to do that someday. He doesn't care if he hears everyone's story. He doesn't act embarrassed or ashamed because he's forced to invade our privacy. His biggest fear is to not have fun in life. This is fun for him.'

I look at Enji. He's quiet for a moment, but then Genki starts laughing indignantly. 'You don't hate Borderland,' he says. 'You said you do, but you clearly lied. You don't think your family misses you. You used or influenced someone during a game and you killed someone. You don't know if you want to return to the real world. You hide behind pathetic stories and have embroiled yourself in a love drama, only to take the suspicion away from yourself. You have infiltrated the queen of spades to gain our trust. Is it not?'

I should've known it would be like this. Whoever bounces the ball, can expect it back. The players look from me to Enji to Genki. They don't know. They really don't know, and right now they're so confused and broken that they can't make a choice. I see Ronin looking at me.

'How can you infiltrate another game if you, as a gamemaster, have to host your own?' Chishiya suggests. I don't know if he's that sharp because it's about me and he wants to defend me, or if he's able to focus on the game again.