Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

2

I don't know for how long I've been standing here in this driveway, but I do know I have to make a choice soon. Do I walk towards the door and ring the doorbell, or do I walk away from it? Hesitantly, I keep staring at the building. Am I ever going to make a choice? Luckily, I don't have to, because the choice is being made for me. The front door opens. The man who not only owns this house, but also means so much more to me, looks at me with his so ever kind face.

'Kimora,' he says. The loving sound in his voice immediately causes a lump in my throat. I blink away the tears in my eyes and try to keep my face straight. It's difficult. 'Yatoma, sir,' I say respectfully while bowing my head slightly. 'Sato,' I add. He waits for me to come closer, but my legs don't seem to be able to move forward. Then, Sato is the one moving forward. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me in a tight grip. Before I know it, the tears are already leaving my eyes and I'm sobbing like crazy. 'Come on in, sweet girl,' he says sympathetically. I allow him to take me to the front door and then I become overwhelmed by different feelings occurring at the same time.

Warmth is the first thing that enters my body. A rare feeling of security and love flows through me, but there is still enough room for sorrow and pain.

Shiori immediately walks towards us and before I know it, they're both holding me. I sense their own sorrow and pain, but also the love they still have in themselves. They take me to the living room and indulge me with tea, biscuits and comfort.

'How did it go today?' Shiori asks truly interested. I decide to skip the parts with my parents and fake friends. 'The tasks were pretty challenging and often difficult, but I mostly understood them.' Sato smiles at me. 'We didn't expect anything else.' His faith in me and the nodding of his wife overwhelm me with warmth again, but also with sadness. How come these sweet humans believe in me, but my own parents don't?

'Hikaru didn't expect anything else..' Shiori adds hesitantly. Three pair of eyes are automatically drawn to the photo with a burning candle behind it. Despite feeling tears coming up again, I still have to smile when I look at her happy face. 'I know,' I answer, 'she has always believed in me no matter what.'

It had hurt me quite a large bit that my parents give up on me a little more every day, but I was able to bear it because my best friend would never do that. Just like her parents would never do that.

'This morning, my father said that after two months, I still couldn't do nothing more but whining.' I pull my eyes away from her photo and look at the two lovely people who sit at the opposite of me. 'When does it stop?' I ask quietly while wiping my cheeks. 'When will the pain go away?'

I can see that they would very much like to get an answer to that question themselves.

'Nothing interests me anymore,' I say sobbing. 'Not those stupid entrance exams, not economy, not medicine, not even music interests me anymore.. I breathe, I eat and drink and I wander around, nothing more. At most times, I don't even care I'm a failure.'

'You're not a failure, sweet Kimora.' Shiori moves to the couch I'm sitting on. When she's sitting next to me, she takes my hand and squeezes it gently. 'Hikaru always knew that and we do, too. Now it's time for you to also start knowing that.' She smiles at me through her tears. 'Just because your passion lies somewhere else than the career choices Suki and Otori envision, doesn't mean that yours aren't important. It doesn't mean you're a failure.' She squeezes my hand a bit more. 'I wish they would see for themselves that it's about your happiness and your own future. The most important thing is that you get strength from what you want in life.'

I manage to put a smile on my face. 'Just like you and Sato had seen.' Shiori looks away, but she keeps holding my hand. I follow her eyes and look at the photo of Hikaru again. She really is radiant. Shiori laughs briefly. 'Sato and I were having a hard time accepting that you and Hikaru wanted to travel the world, at first. Wasn't it the case young adults like you had to go to college and make a career choice?'

'But Hikaru wanted to get the most out of life,' Sato adds. 'She let us see how serious and determined she was by exercising, until we believed she really wanted to do it.' That thought makes me feel so many mixed emotions again. My parents never came that far. They never told me, but I'm sure they were relieved that the death of Hikaru also meant the death of this plan. It destroyed my determination to go traveling.

'Why won't you continue?' Sato asks. 'Kimora, why won't you continue exercising to fulfil your dream?' The tears are streaming down my cheeks. 'How will I be able to do that? How will I be able to walk, bike, hike and climb those beautiful mountains and to sail or swim those beautiful lakes without her? Without her being with me?'

'But she will be with you,' Shiori says lovingly. She moves her free hand to her chest. 'In your heart.' I shake my head. 'I don't know if this is still my dream. When we exercised together, each moment felt like a step closer to our goal. Whenever I go running or climbing a rock face now, I do it so I don't have to be at home for a brief moment.'

'You're still mourning her dead.' Shiori brings her hand to my hair and brushes it behind my ear. 'And that's okay, Kimora. You still have to process it in order for you to move on, to feel some happiness again. But you can't give up, sweet girl. It's not what Hikaru would've wanted.'

I know she's right. Hikaru wouldn't have wanted me to throw away my life or to be unhappy. So many times, she encouraged me to follow my passion for music and traveling. Where my parents only ever think about their own future and their own success, Hikaru and these sweet people always thought about mine.

The success that is now hard to find, as I have already let myself fail for the tests a number of times. Maybe I should do something with my life, but I'm not ready for it yet.

Luckily, this sweet humans don't push me to be.

'It will come,' Shiori says while putting one arm around me. 'Really, dear Kimora, your time will come.'