Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

33

I wake up with a feeling of nausea that just doesn't seem to go away. No matter how hard I try, I keep thinking about Raiden. What game would he have played last night? Did he survive? When I push those questions away, I end up with Chishiya. Did I really get to know a different side of him last night? A side where he opens up more and doesn't shut me out, but lets me in? I think about how close we were yesterday and how safe I felt.

Maybe we shouldn't do that anymore. Our act has had enough success, I think. After I have washed and dressed myself, I am left with the question of how to do it today. Should I try to find Raiden or shouldn't I get started on that? How am I supposed to act around Chishiya today, if I see him at all? Could Kuina forgive me for keeping her at bay yesterday? Could I approach her today, or should I stick to my position and not connect with her? I'm not sure I haven't already. I long to be with her and have her presence around me, but I know it's not wise to give in to that. But Kuina's smart. Chishiya's smart. They won't just die in a game, so I can feel free to bond with them.

No, Kimora, that's not possible at all.

I sigh and move back to the bedroom. I gather all my courage and decide to wait and see what the day brings me. Maybe I shouldn't think too much about it and just let things play out the way they happen.

I didn't expect the day to start so soon. I thought I was going to at least get to the mess hall, but I'm stunned in the hallway when I see Raiden sitting on the carpet across from me. He immediately looks up as soon as I step into the hall and stands up. I turn to the door to close it, then stand with my back to him for a moment, to sort out all of my feelings first.

I feel such relief and joy that he's still alive, that he has come back to the Beach. The boy who was the first to break down my walls, isn't dead. But despite the joy, I still feel a lot of sadness. Maybe I'm not ready to speak to him yet, but I turn around again. Relief doesn't outweigh everything else.

'How well do you know this Chishiya?' I didn't think those would be the first words he would say to me after everything that happened yesterday. I had hoped he'd come here and he'd been waiting for me all this time, because he's sorry about our fight and he misses me as much as I miss him, but this is the first thing he says? It feels like the distance between us is getting so much greater than it already was.

'Not well,' I reply. He seems unhappy with my answer. 'Be honest,' he says. 'I am honest: I don't know him very well.' The fact that he constantly doesn't seem to believe anything I say, is really reaching its peak for me. 'Then why did he come over to me when I was sitting in the bar last night, to tell me that I could maybe better go to you?'

I don't know what to say. Did Chishiya really say that to him? But why? Because he knows how much it hurts me that Raiden and I have this fight? Had he hoped Raiden would come over and talk it out, so that I would have less pain? I don't know if that's the case, but that thought makes me feel much less bad for a moment. Until I repeat Raiden's words in my head.

'So you're here, because he told you to come?' I ask. And not because he wanted to. Not because he misses a friend and wants to apologize for his behaviour. Raiden shrugs. 'I'm here to thank you again for saving my life for the umpteenth time.' That sounds better already. I look at him and nod. 'Don't you get tired of doing that every time?' he mumbles. If only he knew. 'Yes,' I tell him honestly. Certainly because I only get scolded at in return.

I keep looking at him and just don't know what else to do with this. He did what he came for, which is to thank me, so now there's nothing left to discuss. That's why I start to walk away, but he stops me by saying my name. 'Kimora.' There was feeling in his voice. I turn and look back at him.