Alice in Borderland ~ Chishiya

10

I myself am probably the very last person who'd ever have thought that I'd ever spend my days voluntarily going through mathematical sequences and science texts, but apparently, miracles do exist.

In the past few days, I have built up a schedule for myself. My day starts with whatever food I managed to scrape together the day before, and then go for a run, after which I return to the house where I lived in another world, where I study the assignments and the task of absorbing as much information as possible. I spend my evenings analysing the locations where games are being held, in order to discover a pattern. I still can't find one though. Lastly, there's a reflection period before I decide to go to bed.

I currently have three poker cards: the three of clubs, the seven of hearts and the five of spades. So far, I've not played a game that focuses on intelligence and thinking, but I've had enough of doing so during the other games. I go through them once again.

I started my first game completely clueless and had to duck from flares that were firing at us. The rules stated that everyone had to draw a fortune card and do whatever it said on it, within the time limit. Obviously, we had to answer the questions correctly, but the cryptic description of the first card was trickier. We just managed to destroy the garlands in the nick of time, so we made it.

My second game was about playing the hearts of others, but it also involved a lot of tactics. Of course, at first I froze in disgust at the thought that if I was to survive, they would all have to die, but in the end that resulted in an advantage for me. While the others were beating each other and expended their energy to take over the role of wolf, in the end I was able to continue using all my strength. And I did.

I played a psychological mind game with the last remaining wolf of that moment. Despite his doubts and fears, he was ready to blind himself so that I couldn't steal the role from him anymore. I stopped him by using the very thing he was already insecure about against him. That had been my strength in that challenge: wait and think, observe and carry out. That was also the case during tag.

I had positioned myself in the best place, which allowed me to see and observe almost everything. The first horsehead cleared out some of the other participants and tried to do the same with the newbie, which led me to discover that he was actually firing at the safe zone to keep him from it. Their game was probably to prevent us from reaching the safe zone or killing us all. Neither of them succeeded in doing one of those things, so they died themselves.

I don't like the rules. Nowhere was it mentioned that it concerned two taggers, only one was mentioned. Apparently, the ones setting up the game have some space to not tell us things that we have to think of ourselves.

I try to get the thought of Chishiya out of my mind as soon as it comes in it, but I can't. I think about the moment I got myself safe and had to close the door to keep the horsehead from shooting at me from within the room. I should've let him trapped in it. I didn't. I waited until he was out of the room as well and I don't know why. I'm not comfortable with it, because it was a danger to my chances of survival.

I try to let myself be in contact with people as little as possible, to increase those chances. When you spend a lot of time with someone or observe them closely, you discover their weaknesses, of which you can take advantage of, but they also can discover yours. Is that what Yuri did to Toshi? He didn't answer me when I asked him where his ally was. Did they simply part ways, or did he sacrifice him, as he wanted to do with Taree?

I'm more concerned with what kind of person I am or am becoming than would be good for me. Am I worried about being a good person or not? But I already know I'm not, don't I? I let three people die to keep myself alive and I didn't commit to saving others who were being shot at by the horsehead. I had stopped to observe so that I could reach the safe zone on my own. I wasn't alone, because someone else had the same tactics as me, but my goal wasn't to help him and keep him alive.

Why did I do it, then?

I can't do both. I can't keep worrying about what kind of person I am, while at the same time I couldn't be bothered with it. I can't think about this anymore. I have to focus on what I have to do: stay alive, increase my knowledge, improve my physical performance and keep thinking carefully.

I have to be able to make a good judgment about my opponents: do I need them or can I do it without them? How can I best play them to stay alive myself? Because that's my goal now, that's what I'm training for now: to stay alive.

But maybe I shouldn't do everything on my own and maybe I shouldn't distance myself from the other participants as much as possible. It may indeed be useful to have an ally, if only for appearances. Even if only for when we have to work together during the game and to have someone to betray when necessary. But how do I do that? I can't in any case team up with a weak person, but also not with an overly strong one, who'll be able to outrun me. Not someone who is unintelligent, but also not someone who's too smart. Still, everything is better than this. I'd better try.

That's why, the next day, I no longer act like someone who ignores the others and only thinks about her own skin. I don't keep going when I see a boy whimpering quietly. He doesn't even seem to care that he can be seen like that.

'Are you hungry?' I ask as I lean against the wall a few feet away from him. He looks up with a tearful face. He then suddenly seems to care about other people being able to see him like this. He wipes away his tears and tries to look strong as he shakes his head, but the rumbling of his stomach gives him away. I show him a tin of canned green beans. 'They're not really tasty when they're cold,' I say, 'but they're okay when warmed up.' I nod further down the camping store, where there are pans and gas cylinders. 'Shall we heat them up?'

The boy seems to be thinking long and thoughtfully about what to do, but then he nods anyway and gets to his feet. We slowly walk towards the things we need to prepare a warm meal. We don't talk and I do my best not to look at him too much, but still I try to paint a picture for myself about what kind of person he is and whether he can last long in the games.

I don't know why he cried: was it his first game and is he still in shock, or was he the only one to survive a hearts game? Is he strong or is he weak? I don't find out and I don't bother to find out right now, because otherwise, he can make the same analysis of me.

It's a start and I just have to find out later if it's a good one. We start eating the meal in silence and I try not to think about whether I'm causing my own downfall by doing this.