As You Are // D.M.

DIRTY LITTLE SECRETS

Song: Love Galore by SZA and Slower by Tate McRae

Armena Riddle-Lestrange

November 25th, 2010

I laid on my bed, curled up into a tight ball as Pansy's long nails combed through my long brown hair in a soothing motherly motion. I almost purred at the feeling as she hummed a familiar tune. The fall rain kept falling on the outside, creating light drumming noises on the window pane. It brought about a sense of calm in my never ending anxiety over Draco.

"Pans?" I asked quietly, as I continued to stare outside the window.

She only hummed and flipped the page of her muggle magazine. Her long talons never leaving my head, as she continued to draw circles.

"Did we fuck up?" I breathed, feeling the tears pool in the corners of my eyes.

She didn't answer me right away, the only sound in the room was the tapping of the rain against the glass.

"I don't know about you" she chuckled, "but I most certainly did not fuck up."

I moved to sit up, turning around to face her. Pansy set down her magazine and let out a long sigh, her dark brown eyes rolling in annoyance.

"Armena, you most certainly did not fuck up. Draco is a moody bastard, he just needs time to sort out his emotions and what better place to do it than the forest where he can use a tree as a punching bag."

I took my bottom lip in between my teeth and stared at her for a long time. I had spent the better part of the past three weeks projectile vomiting anything that entered my mouth. Guilt and anxiety coursed through my veins and there was no end. My vomiting was so bad, that Pansy had dragged me to the local muggle market across the street and bought a pregnancy test for me and one for herself. I peed on the plastic stick and waited for the results. I don't know why I let myself get my hopes up when I stared at the muggle device, hoping that the screen would read that word.

I stared at it until the two words popped up: not pregnant.

Pansy's test had read the same but we knew that much. She was on a heavy blend of herbs and potions from St. Mungo's trying to get pregnant. After our day at Malfoy Manor, her and Potter decided there was no use in waiting any longer and kickstarted their adventure. However, it was not without heartbreak as Pansy had not gotten pregnant and according to the healers had a "hostile uterus" or whatever that meant.

She claimed that it was because she was just a hostile person so it would make sense why her uterus would be just the same. I knew it bothered her but this was her way of coping with the bad news.

I was both disappointed and relieved that I wasn't pregnant. As much as I wanted Draco's children, we weren't in the best place and in fact, I knew that come April I would have to sit in front of Wizengamot again. They would then review my file, call witnesses, such as Potter and Pansy, and then decide if I was either to return back to Azkaban or stay right where I was. I couldn't imagine if I was pregnant and stuck back in Azkaban. The child would have no chance of survival and that would be a loss that I would never recover from.

"Armena!" Pansy snapped. "Get out of that dark head of yours!"

"But what if he decides that this is all too much, that I am too much" I breathed, the tears pooling in my eyes.

Pansy punched me hard in my shoulder, her dark brown eyes narrowing at my face.

"Fuck Pans!" I rubbed my shoulder quickly, trying to subdue the pain that was lingering from her blow.