(La Mémoire #1) NOSTALGIA

XXXII

XXXII
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Kinalma ko ang sarili bago iniligpit ang mga natagpuang gamit. Iwinaksi ko ang nadamang kakatiting na lungkot dahil sa mga nalaman.

I should not be sad that it was Lyon whom I shared a past with. I should not be sad that he was my first love, my summer love, and my promised future.

Ibinuntong ko ang lahat ng galit ko kay Stav. Hindi ako nagkamali. He was a manipulative guy all along. Kinikilabutan ako kapag naiisip lahat ng ginawa niya mapalapit lang sa akin. Not only is he manipulative and secretive, he's also obsessive. He likes to get his way. And he did get his way, he made me fall in love with him.

He deprived me of all the truths. He led me the opposite way, the path that would distract me from the truth which was just before me all along--Lyon.

Walang mapagsidlan ang galit ko. I hate him. I hate him so much that if he is right in front me right now, I might have crushed his face into pieces. I hate him so much that my heart hurts with it.

Lyon, on the other hand, he must have chosen not to tell me everything yet to protect me. Like my mom, he probably didn't want me to force myself to remember. I don't know. I am yet to hear his side but it's clear for me who the bad person is.

Sa galit ko ay gumuguhit na naman ang sakit ng ulo ko. Upang maibsan iyon ay uminom ulit ako ng Advil kahit wala pang isang oras nang huli kong inom.

"Mag-iingat ka pag-uwi. Tawagan mo ako." Paalam ni Mama nang tumulak na rin ako pa-Manila kinahapunan.

Buong araw na akong tinatawagan ni Stav ngunit hindi ko sinasagot. Pinatay ko na lang din ang cellphone ko upang hindi na maistorbo ng kahit na sino. I had too much in my mind, I just want the tiniest peace I could have in solace.

Binuksan ko ang bintana ng sasakyan at nagpahalik sa ihip ng sariwang hangin mula sa mga tubuhan. Tapos na ang milling season at abala na naman ang mga magsasaka sa pagtatanim. Kinukumutan na ng ginto ang lawak ng taniman sa banta ng dapit hapon.

Thinking that I will be back in the city again where Stav is made my heart thousand times heavy. All the love I had for him were now replaced with deep-seated hatred.

I still could not believe everything. I wish it was just a dream. I would never understand how he could betray me like this. How could he confess feelings of adoration when all along he hid a secret behind him?

I always thought that to love is to be honest. Never like this. Never with betrayal and secrecy.

Tahimik kong pinapanood ang mga tanawin hanggang sa magawi kami sa isang pamilyar na lugar.

"Kuya Andres, can we stop over here?May bibilhin lang po ako riyan."

Nag-alangan pa noong una ang driver ko ngunit napapayag ko rin. Huminto kami malapit sa Puente de Claveria. Isa iyong suspension bridge na nagdurugtong sa mga probinsya mula Central Luzon patungong Norte.

I grabbed a latte from a nearby coffee shop before walking my way to the bridge. It was wide empty and the very few cars that would pass every now and then are going full speed because of its length.

Dinungaw ko ang kumikinang at kalmadong dagat sa ibaba ng tulay. There were hills from a distance and the waves were softly crashing on their embankments. Because the dusk was nearing, the sea and the sky mixed in gradient shades of amber and gold. It looked like a scene straight from an 80's movie with its sepia saturation. It was beautiful but sad. Nostalgic.

I held my temples when they began hurting excruciatingly again. The pain was severe this time that it made me nauseous.

"Miss Zhalia! Akala ko ho kung nasaan na kayo!" Nag-aalalang lumapit si Kuya Andres.