(La Mémoire #1) NOSTALGIA

XLIX

XLIX

I have never cried so hard my whole life. Not when Daddy left me. Not when Mama used to hurt me. Not when Auntie sent me away. Just right now.

Masama ang loob ko sa ginawa ng Auntie. At kapag iniisip kong pagbabawalan na ako nito at baka hindi na kami muling makapagkita ni Stav, nadudurog ang puso ko. Panay ang tahimik kong mga paghikbi buong biyahe.

Sa mansyon, inaabangan kami ni Minerva at ng ilang mga kasambahay sa bulwagan. Nagkalat rin ang ilang mga tauhan. Doon ko nagpatanto na baka nga kanina pa ako pinapahanap ng Auntie. Isang gwardiya ang sumalubong sa amin.

"Ayos na. Pabalikin mo na ang mga tauhan. Naligaw lang itong magaling kong pamangkin." Utos ng Auntie.

Sa sala, sabay ang pag-ahon ni Zeke at Lyon. Ngunit bago pa ako malapitan, kinabig na ng Auntie Martina ang siko ko at inihatid ako sa kwarto ko.

"Hindi ka lalabas ng kwartong ito. Ipadadala ko na lang ang hapunan mo." Pinal nitong anunsyo.

"Kukunin ko ang cellphone mo at baka tawagan mo pa ang Valerio na iyon. He's a bad influence to you, Zhalia. His family is evil. You may not see that because you're blinded by that pretty face of his.."

I collapsed on my bed, not willing to hear more of what Auntie has to say. But she continued scolding me.

"Tell you what, you are very young. Soon, you'll meet more handsome and deserving boys. And richer too.."

Ganoon kababaw ang tingin ng Auntie sa akin. Tingin niya nasisilaw ako sa yaman at hitsura.

"This happened before, Zhalia. His grandfather lured your grand aunt. See what happened? It was a tragic history. It started a family dispute that would live on for ages. We will never forget, hija. And we will never repeat that mistake. Not in this generation."

Hindi ko naman malalaman ang tungkol sa nakaraang iyon kung hindi dahil kay Stav. Our family never talks of problematic matters.

We never talk of Mama's failed marriage, or her mental illness, of Auntie Martina's affairs with rich politician and businessmen, or of Auntie Camila's excessive shopping indulgences. We never talked of my grand aunt too, Anastacia Luisiana, whose death was allegedly perpetrated by the Valerios back in the 60's.

Nang marinig ko ang pagsara ng pinto takda ng pag-alis ng Auntie, muling umingay ang mga paghikbi ko. My sobs were louder and more uncontrollable this time. Everything frustrated me.

Sumisidhi ang sakit ng dibdib ko tuwing naiisip kung paano nila kami paglayuin sa isa't isa. Dumagdag pa sa bigat ng lahat ang mga nakaraang pait na natamo ko mula rin mismo sa pamilya ko. All the past trauma revisited me.

Right then, I realized I was never really okay. At some part of me, I just chose to forget. I chose to forget that Mama tried to kill me or Daddy abandoned me, and that I never really had a normal family. I was abused. Neglected.

For a while I have been okay because all that was missing was filled by someone else. Stav happened and he made me feel okay.

He was the most normal thing in my complex life. He was my peace in a lifetime of wars, my summer in endless winters. But will Auntie ever understand that when she's taking him away from me, he's not just taking a boyfriend? He's taking a part of me too.

I know she's claiming we're too young for this. But I think no one is ever too young or too old for love--for a feeling so profound.

It's the same as no one is too young or too old to feel sad or happy. Our feelings are always valid, no matter what age we are.