MANAL

64: Manal

The end of a relationship can be as scorching as a bad sunburn, but it can also serve as a valuable life lesson.

Whenever the thought of Jawaad crossed my mind, the grief that came along was in waves, stealing appetite and sleep from me.

I never knew a day would arrive when I would cry myself to sleep and lose my appetite for food. I never knew a day would arrive when everything around me would become irritating. I never knew a day would come when I'd prefer to be in solitude—away from everyone, including my family members.

Jawaad broke me. He made me realize that I had been a fool for the longest time. He made a mockery of my love. He hurt me so bad, that I feared I might never be able to recover.

In spite of the trauma I was going through, I was glad, because I was no longer the naive Manal of before. I had become much wiser. I had learnt never to trust any man ever again, because I believed they were all the same, except for my Abi of course.

Growing up, I always prayed to Allah to give me a husband just like my father. He was the perfect example of an ideal husband. I thought I had found a replica of Abi in Jawaad, but all of my dreams came crumbing, when he betrayed me and made me look like someone who was desperate for his love. I'd admit I wanted him to love me, but I wasn't desperate—I wasn't in dire need of his love. It was just a trivial crush. I would have overcame it if Jawaad and Farida hadn't deceived me.

More tears prickled my eyes as I recalled the conversations we used to have. Jawaad was always so caring and tender. He was always so concerned about my well-being. It was heart-wrenching to know that all of those things were sham. My feelings were played with like a football.

I was too blinded by love to realize Jawaad never loved me. The signs were there, but because I was so foolish, I failed to see them. Jawaad had never utter the word 'I love you' to me.

It is true that actions speaks louder than words, but at the same, it is nice hearing the words from the person you want to hear them from, rather than struggling to understand their actions.

I lay down in my bed and resumed my daily job of crying. My pillow was heavy with tears. I tried so hard to distract myself from dwelling in the pain Jawaad caused me, but each time I tried, I ended up making a fool of myself. I tried watching movies and reading books, but all they did, were remind me of my life and how stupid I had been.

I didn't realize Ummi standing in my room, until she called my name.

Immediately, I wiped my tears. But as I did, more tears streamed down. They were just so out of control. I draped the comforter over my head and attempted to compose myself, by vigorously wiping away the stubborn tears.

"Manal." Ummi called again and I felt the comforter being pulled off me.

Ummi's gaze was fixated on me.

I recoiled in shame. I didn't want her to see me like that. I didn't want her to know I was like that because of a man. What would she think of me?

Ummi sat on the edge of the bed and motioned for me to sit up.

I did just that; my head lowered in mortification.

"What's wrong?"

The question made more tears well up in my eyes. So many things were wrong. My whole life was in shambles. Nothing fascinated me anymore. I just wanted to be left alone in my room.

"Go ahead and tell me, Manal." Ummi probed. "I have noticed this great change in you since yesterday. You haven't even had anything to eat. What happened?"

"It's nothing, Ummi." I forced a smile. "I'm alright."

"You're not!" She snapped. "Don't you dare give me that." She heaved a deep sigh, seemingly realizing how sternly she was speaking to me, after she had promised to do better. "Manal," Ummi took my hand in hers and gave me a small, reassuring smile. "Remember the talk we had? You promised to share your worries with me. I'm your mother. I won't judge you for anything. I will support and advise you in the way I see fit..." Her voice trailed. "But it's okay if you don't want to tell me. I understand. If it was your father, you'd tell him in a blink of an eye."