Cascade » fourtris

|12| I am scared, terrified

Chapter : : twelve

"You have stolen all my senses
There's a fever in my heart.
You're taking down my defenses,
You're pulling me apart."
~Ellie Goulding

1, 2, 3, 4 .. 10 .. I count and take deep breaths awkwardly in order to calm my racing heart. To someone who doesn't know my situation it might look like I'm in labour. Well, not exactly situation. I'm currently in front of Four's house counting the seconds till I turn and run away like the loser I am. I push the doorbell. His house is just a few blocks from mine.

The door is yanked open and Four is standing right in front of me in a black tee-shirt and jeans with one of his hands on the door while the other on the wall beside it, looking handsome as usual. And here I am sweating like a pig and looking not so pretty with my hair all around my face. Curse the wind!

I just stand there staring at his abs. He is not fat but not skinny either. He is tall and all muscles.

"Tris?" he asks looking quite surprised. I rip my eyes from his abs and raise my gaze to meet his. That's when I see how tired he looks. He has dark circles under his eyes and he looks almost.. sad. And it breaks me to see him that way. No, no it doesn't! Why would I care? But you do. Another small voice inside me says.

"Uh .. Hi!" I stutter stupidly.

"Hey," he greets and raises his eyebrow to ask me why I'm here.

"Uh .. Er .. Um, I'm Tris!" I say knowing nothing else to say and mentally smack myself for being so stupid. Just when I'm sure he is about to kick me out of here he laughs.

"I know you're Tris," he says and looks amused. And I'm sure I'm looking like a tomato right now.

"Come inside". I follow him inside and look at the house to prevent myself from staring at his muscled back and butt. I don't want to embarrass myself even more by seeming like a pervert. His house is pretty clean for a teenage boy. And it's small, enough for three people.

"Where are the others?" I ask when we reach the living room. I sit on a couch and he sits beside me, a bit too close.

"Others?" he asks tilting his head to a side. I avoid looking at his eyes because I know if I look into his eyes I'll be held into a trance by his captivating ocean blue eyes.

"Others as in, your parents?"

"I'm an orphan," he says, his voice drained of all emotions.

"Oh," I say feeling sorry for him. "I'm sorry". Sure, my parents do not show any kind of emotions towards me but its not like I don't love them or need them. I do.

"It's fine. What would you like to eat? I've prepared spaghetti want some?" he asks.

"Yeah, sure," I say.

"I'll be right back," he says getting up and moves towards the kitchen. I let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. When he is near it is difficult to think and not to mention we are alone. I collect all my thoughts so I won't stutter over my words. I nervously wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans. Calm down, Tris. No need to hyperventilate. This is just Four.

Exactly, this is Four!

He returns with a dish in his right hand and water in the other and hands it to me. I take and again he sits next to me.

I try a bit and man, it tastes like heaven! I try to suppress a moan, it would be just plain awkward. I didn't realize how hungry I was until now. It's quite difficult to eat since he is looking at me so intensely. I can feel it but I refuse to meet his gaze. I scarf down the spaghetti until the plate is all clean. I know what you're thinking right now, I might be looking like a beggar. But come on I'm hungry and I do have a reason to be hungry. As soon as I had reached home, I had quickly changed and come over here. And I tend to eat more when I'm nervous.

"So? Why are you here-I mean, it's not like I don't want you here. I do. Just wondering and how did you get my address?" he says his words carefully.

"Why have you been ignoring me? Are you angry?" I blurt out, ignoring his other question.

"Uh .. I wasn't ignoring you and no I'm not angry". Do I look like an idiot to you, Four? Do you really think I will buy that shit?

For some reason, him lying to me unnerves me.

"Really? So why did you leave that day when I told you about what I chose? Instead of running away like a wimp, you could have told me what it that angered you was. And how can you expect me to just choose what you told me-ordered me to, without even knowing why. I've been told all my life about how deadly this disease-Deliria is and they are promising a cure. Why won't I choose to be a cured then? You tell me who wants to be infected? For fuck's sake, I hardly know you! You could have explained why you wanted me to choose to be an uncured," I spit angrily, breathing hard. Okay, I admit it. I missed you but you didn't. I internally break at that thought.

He is quiet for a minute or two which looks like an eternity.

"I'm not Four. My name is Tobias," he says but his voice is distant. I knew his name is not Four.

And just like that my anger dissolves, knowing he is letting me in. I know it sounds crazy but I want to preserve every part of him, his words and his world.

"Tobias," I whisper, liking the sound of it more than Four because no one calls him Tobias and he just let me call him that. He snaps out of his reverie. "Say it again," he whispers quietly as if he is in a trance. I meet his intense stare and my breath hitches in my throat.

"Tobias," I repeat breathlessly. He stares at me with so much intensity that I find it hard to look away.

"My parents died when I was seven, I was sent for foster care. My foster parents .. they aren't good people they .. they abused me- they used to beat me till there were scars and I couldn't do anything".

He averts his gaze and bites his lower lip, my eyes briefly lower to his lips. He looks so vulnerable that my fingers twitch to hold him close to me. My eyes brim with tears but I hold them back.

I take a deep breath and move closer to him and touch his shoulder lightly. He tenses underneath my fingers. Even the slightest touch sends shivers down my spine.

He briefly glances at me and then continues. "I'm from the wilds," he says quietly. So quietly that I wouldn't have heard it if I wasn't sitting so close to him.

"Oh," I say, not realizing what he has just said.

"What?" I almost yell when realization dawns on me. I stand up abruptly, stepping away from him as if he just scorched me with a burning iron rod even though he didn't.

"You," I say pointing at him, "You are an Invalid! You are diseased!"

He visibly flinches at that and stands up taking few steps toward me but I step back.

"Just hear me out, okay? It doesn't work that way. If you are born in the wilds, it doesn't mean you're an .. Invalid". He winces at the word Invalid as if it doesn't taste good.

At that I calm down a bit. He take a few steps closer but this time I don't step back. My mind tells me to step back, run away as far from him as possible but my body doesn't obey, it stays rooted in place. It doesn't want to, as though it needs to at least, once, know what his touch feels like.

I think he just muttered something along the lines of 'screw it'.

He lifts his hand and touches my neck delicately, as if he is scared that I might break. My heart beats loudly against my ribs and I've stopped breathing. His other hand gently touches my hair and he tugs me forward, towards himself and I am seconds away from fainting. He presses his forehead against mine, our breaths mingling.

"Okay, I am infected. You have infected me. Tris, I really like you," as soon as the last words leave his mouth he presses his lips against mine. His lips are so soft that my lips tingle with the touch and I'm frozen at place. I can't move, I can't breath. He runs his tongue against my lips. That does it. I snap out of it and push him back, and punch him on the chin. He is still breathing hard from our kiss. He cups his chin, wincing.

I turn around and run.

I'm scared, terrified actually. Not because I punched Four- Tobias, or he is from the wilds, or I was with a boy my age all alone, but because I liked the kiss. And want to do it again, and again, and again. And I believed in whatever he said.