Cascade » fourtris

|13| I don't care anymore

Chapter : : thirteen

"He is my world and my world is him. And without him there is no world."

~Lauren Oliver

I'm confused whether to laugh or to cry. I terribly miss him, Four—Tobias. Even though it's barely an hour since I last saw him or rather, punched him when he kissed me. I can still feel the tingling sensation on my lips, and my stupid hand keeps going to my lips again and again.

You know what the worst thing is? I want to be close to him again.

Sighing, I try to concentrate on my homework, trying to distract myself from anything that's not Tobias.

*

I turn from side to side, trying to find a comfortable position to sleep but sleep is nowhere to be found in my dictionary. No matter what I do — close my eyes or keep them wide open, Tobias finds his way into my thoughts. He is either giving me his beautiful smile or looking at me with the same intensity he was a while back.

Why do I miss him?

This is all new for me; I haven't felt this way ever before.

There's a soft knock on my window. Who is it, at this time? Its already past the curfew. I quickly get up and go to the window, holding a pillow in my hand. Wow Tris, the intruder will run away seeing a pillow in your hand. I ignore the brilliant, sarcastic voice in my head.

What I see when I open the window is totally, utterly unbelievable. Tobias is climbing and making his way to my room. He gives me a sheepish smile. How did he get my address?

"What are you doing here?" I whisper harshly. He doesn't answer me.

I step back giving him some space to climb in through my window.

"Hey," he says instead.

"Why are you here?" I repeat but I don't ask him to go away because for some reason I want him here, I feel safe whenever he is around me. That is what scares me.

Instead, I sit down, leaning against my bed for support. Tobias scoots around next to me, leaning back against the bed beside me, arms just touching at the elbows. I can feel the heat coming off his bare skin, and it makes me feel hot. I close my eyes and try not to think about how close we are, or what it would feel like to run my hands over his shoulders and chest.

What the hell am I thinking?

Tobias starts speaking all at once, his voice low, "Listen, Tris. What happened at my house—I'm really sorry. I should have told you sooner, but I didn't want to frighten you away."

Suddenly, when this topic is brought back, I don't want to talk about it anymore. I'm afraid about what he wants to say. I'm scared he would say that it was all a mistake and I'm even more scared that he would say that he still wants me, likes me, because I'm soon going to be a cured. And most of all I'm scared of Deliria.

"You don't have to explain," I say.

"But I want to explain. I want you to know that I didn't mean to—"

"Listen," I cut him off. "I'm not going to tell anyone, okay? I'm not going to get you in trouble or anything." I'm really not going to tell anyone anything. I can't. I won't be able to live with the guilt if he gets caught.

He pauses. I feel him turn to look at me, but I keep my eyes fixed on the darkness in front of us.

"I don't care about that," he says, lower. "I just don't want you to hate me."