Today, I Decided To Forgive Myself

Chapter thirty-nine

Cнapтer 39; A Ғlower Alwayѕ Wιтнerѕ Ιnтo Noтнιng
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"You have committed the worst offense imaginable! You have killed Crown Prince Laurent and have this committed an attack upon this kingdom! How do you plead?"

"She's clearly guilty!"

That is when the whispers started. The people witnessing the trial branded her guilty. The people of the kingdom who knew of her name already decided so without proper proof. Thusly the trial for the truth was only held to further solidify the sham that was her crime. 

"She's a shameful woman."
"Why doesn't she just admit it to be done with it?"
"How could anyone be so cruel towards the one they love?"
"She should just die already."

Tears didn't fall though. The broken doll only watched the trial commence from a birds eye view- an out of body experience is what she felt. She was numbed from the torture beforehand. Nothing really hurt anymore. A guilty person only by the view they held, nobody caring for the real truth. Because she did in fact not kill her fiancée. She did love him and wanted to spend her life with him.

The guards grabbed hold of the murderer on trial and walked her to her death. The two men didn't speak to her, the only communication passed was their fingers digging into her upper arms to force her forwards.

She looked to her father, brother, and grandmother once more in passing. The thought came to her mind that maybe if she got on her knees and begged she'd be able to go home. Though she discarded that quickly.

And in conclusion her shameful first life made its end.

•••
The tea continues to grow cold with each passing second of my grandmothers prattling.

The steam finally disappears altogether and I can't take it anymore.
"Grandmother... what are we doing?" Why did she save me?

Her face twists into a bit of an odd expression. It looks surprised but also like she knows why I asked as she doesn't look the least bit startled at my question.

She finally decides on a gesture of goodwill by asking one of her maids to gather up my cup and remake my tea. "What are we doing? What ever do you mean? Of course we're going to leisurely spend our days until that prince decides to come find you to finish your punishment for treason. Then, my dear, we'll be tossed into the middle of a war that I have every intention of winning."

"Why?" The only question I had spilled over my lips without my knowing.

"Oh my naive granddaughter! You have so much you need to know!"

I don't speak a word but I do give her a stare that questions further about her vague statement.

"This kingdom wronged me. The king, the Crown Prince, and all those corrupt nobles." She seethes and spits poison into the air.

I knit my brows in confusion ever further and it's almost as if she can't help but go into more explanation.

"This kingdom killed my child and my husband. Making my only remaining child your father. They destroyed my family and they almost succeeding in crushing our family name into dirt! All in the name of power!"

It hits me all at once. Why she's so bitter about life. The entire reason of why she hates me and Duke Clive. She can't stand looking at something that makes her memories surface.

At this point she has no choice to not use me to gain her revenge.

"I've already killed the king though?" I am hesitant in my confrontation of her motive.

"It's not enough you useless child! I need this kingdom to regret! The entirety of it! Every noble, every common person, every child, and especially the Crown Prince!"

They say Love doesn't die a natural death. Love dies with the appearance of neglect or with the destruction of happiness. Their words hold truth for this moment. Because the reality is that my grandmother is sad and lonely, always searching for peace, something to fill that chunk of her heart that was ripped from her without warning. And I think I can understand just a little and maybe feel a tugging in my chest telling me to forgive her for her cold and abusive treatment.