Today, I Decided To Forgive Myself

Chapter six

Cнapтer 6; All Тнaт Ι've Ever loved, Ι've Loved Alone
~
The girl sobbed whilst sitting at the fountains edge. She refused to unhand the yellow rose in her grasp, instead clenching ever stronger. Her fingertips bleeding from the roses thorny intentions.

"Why can't I just ever be loved like I love them?" The broken girls tears blurred her vision so she wasn't able to see the shadow approaching her in the shallow light until it was too late.

The girls scream was the last things heard from her that night.

•••
I look to Kai's sleepy expression and I know my time to go is now.
"I should return now, but I hope my story made you feel a bit better."

"No, I don't want you to leave me yet," He begs, holding onto my skirt.

"You need sleep for your body to heal, remember?" I remind the boy of his needs.

I stand to tuck him in, leaning over him I am startled when someone clears their throat behind me.

"Hem! Lady Asterin, it's wonderful to see you again so soon. I came to see how Prince Kaius is doing. I just had some business with the royal advisor, we're good friends." Baron Elric again? Why? I've never interacted this much with this man before at any time.

I inspect the mans body language and I notice an injury to the top of his left hand; a burn scar that doesn't look accidental.

"I should return soon, I'm expected." I turn my body to leave a kiss on Kai's forehead.

"Get better soon."

"Rin, please come back soon. I miss you a lot." His sentence implies his worries so I smile and reply back to ease his lonely thoughts.

"I'll visit more often. Now, don't you worry and sleep." I finish tucking his legs and I avoid to the side of Baron Elric and make my way out the door. But I grab the barons hand and drag him from the room with me. I display my suspicions on a silver platter, without beating around the bush. After all in this man has always been a scheming pest. Not even mentioning the amount of people he's tricked into his money making plots.

"I don't trust you. How was a Baron permitted into the palace of the king? Much less able to visit a prince. I don't know what your intentions are, nor do I care what they are, but I do know one thing. You are leaving Prince Kaius out of your schemes. All of them."

My gold irises shine more brilliantly than they ever have before. Nowhere seen is the lifeless waste of space I was before. Never more seen is the deep dark circles underneath my eyes. The weariness I felt from having been brought into another repeat of my life has vanished. Fallen from my shoulders, never to return. I will be the villain everyone expects from me. No more is the polite lady, who obeys every word. I will now shake the very ground I walk over from it's core.

I watch in gratification as the barons hands shake. I'm not sure with what emotions but I don't care. It doesn't matter, because I was already able to illicit something sort of reaction from his stone cold visage.

"Now, I don't want to see you here ever again. Or you will regret imploring my rage upon you." I dig my nails into his chin. I make sure to lock our eyes but as my last word leaves my mouth, I step back and stalk forward to leave. Bumping his shoulder with mine harshly. Hoping to leave a bruise in the process. Though for certain I leave with satisfactory relief as I see the bleeding nail marks.

Now, it's time to return to get ready to attend the main show of the day. Crown Prince Laurent's birthday party where it is announced that he will soon be stepping up to take the throne. That means our engagement ball is in two weeks time. Four days after my coming of age ceremony.

On the way home I find myself listless, stuck in my ambitious mindset, all the way until I am already dressed in my bright golden dress and it's time to leave to the party. I'm done before I can even comprehend my surroundings. Though I remember humming a lullaby while nana did my red hair in a half up do, along with a precious gold hair pin.

"Nana, I will be home early from the party tonight. I will see you soon."

"What are you saying child?! This is your fiancés birthday! You can't be home early, you have to stay late and let everyone there be in awe of your beauty! Capture the moment as yours!"

I half smile at her comment, in fact I can almost not help myself to recoil at the thought of staying any later than to just show my face and go. My first life was painful and traumatic. That man will be there. I don't ever want to see him again. Never again. How dreadful that first night was. I recall the searing white hot agony, it was almost worst than being hanged eight lifetimes in a row.

My smile twitches and falters some more at my last notion. It sends a shiver throughout my being, involuntarily.

I barely register entering the grandly decorated carriage. I sit down but stand tiredly when I hear the sound of a crinkling under my butt. A note.. how original, father. I almost forgot about this instance. I roll my eyes freely with the comfort of being by my lonesome. And I know I have no need to read it because I already know what it says, possibly his exact words.

'Don't bring shame to my family name. You are but a child, you will obey me this time. I don't care what rebellion you've created in your mind
-Duke Clive'

At least that's the gist of it. It changes slightly with being reborn each time. So I simply dismiss the things I already know. I'm not going to read it knowing what is to come out of it, the emotions gained from it aren't ever pleasant.

My blood runs cold right away when I notice the carriage arrive at the entrance. Dear god, I can't believe this. How could you lead me to suffer so? I hate parties.

The extravagance makes me questionable about puking. The brightly lit entrance which people of all statuses, gloriously dressed, enter, causes my headache to resurface along with a nausea that feels like a sort of deja vu. These poor sheep don't even understand the their being herded into a wolfs den. I almost feel pity.

I clear my throat and stand. I don't even think about taking the coachmen's hand to help me step out. I completely disregard it, lost within my timeline of tangled threads.

I will stand tall, that's my job as the antagonist of this story. And anything I do, I strive to do perfectly.

I don't glance at the judging stares coming my way from the sheep. They are of an even more Insignificant existence than that of mine.

I make my way inside and inspect my hunting grounds for the night.
"Mm.."

"Lady Asterin Clive, how good it is to finally meet you. You are even more breathtaking than rumored." A terrifying man lightly kisses the back of my pale hand, which startles me. I know this man a little too well.

A man I've only been in contact with when I was still a lost little girl. A former me, now unfamiliar.  A little girl who was tired of trying to live, eaten through by monsters and demons. My starry sky was always taken over by the darkness. I was never enough, I could never do right, tired of fighting to be in the light, trying to fight off the wilting that wanted to take place. A lost little girl always begging to be wanted, needed..., loved. The problem lied in the fact that because she wanted to be loved so badly, she was blind to what love actually was. Because she had to save herself. So that naive little girl trusted the fox by accident.

This man was a predator to that small and broken girl. Except I didn't know it then. However, he can't take this life, not when I've finally decided how it should go.

"Good evening, Second Prince Veles. It's nice to meet you as well." I manage to keep my words from shaking.

Despite my disgust, and fear for this man, I can't help but thinking of making a deal this time. Some way to make this time different. To gain my freedom... indefinitely.