Today, I Decided To Forgive Myself

Chapter three

Cнapтer 3; Тнaт Gιrl'ѕ Вeen Dead Ғor Ѕυcн A Long Тιмe
~
The man was the love of her life. Her first everything. The man who never appreciated her devotion. He took it all for granted and in the end all she was left with from him, was bloody eyes and screaming fists. And like all of their interactions together, the fragile girl still spoke first. "Laurent, it's good to see you on this gorgeous day."

•••
A hissing like groan is heard in the soundless room when nana touches a particularly deep cut with the cold wash cloth. It's the day after so the bleeding has already stopped but they do need to be cleaned or they could become infected.

"I-I am, Hngh, s-so s-s-orry!" Nana stutters between crying. She's always the person who cries for me.

"It's okay nana. It's not painful, really. So don't cry, okay?" I try my best to coo at her, to sooth her worrying mind. It doesn't work, it only escalates from my words.

"Ho-how c-c-can the master.. to, t-t-t-reat the lady in such a c-cruel way?!" I watch as her eyes fill with an overwhelming amount of tenderness for me. How lovely it is to see such a thing. Though my heart hurts when I see nana this way.

I sit up carefully and place my hands on her cheeks gently.
"Nana, I am okay. I deserved this punishment. It's okay, nana. It's okay.." at this point I don't think I know who I am trying convince, really. Myself or nana? I wonder while I embrace nana into my arms. She needs a hug, I know she does. It's what I would want in such a situation.

"You don't de-de-deserve s-something s-so horri-horrid dome to you!"

I realize at this point I need to change the subject, "Nana, lets go out for a pick-a-nick today at Langley valley. I've heard they have so many wondrous flowers right now. Even the daisies have bloomed there."

"T-that sound-sounds like such a-a wonder-ful idea, Lady Asterin." Her stuttering is still current but she waits till she composes herself to be able to reply back to me with a genuine statement, "the daisies are your favorite miss. I'll pack cucumber and meat sandwich's for lunch."

I have fathers butler ask permission from him. It's better that I don't see him today. I might just blurt everything that I've bottled up.

"M'lady, the carriage is waiting out the front." Always so proper.

"Bowing is unnecessary, Butler Arden. You've known me since infancy." I give him a soft grin.

"I cannot do that, for it is improper, Lady Asterin, as you are of noble blood." Yeah, noble blood, if it weren't for the tainted half part of that blood; my whore mothers blood. At least that's what everybody else thinks. My mother was a truly respectable woman in my eyes. But, I've only met her once so who am I to know such a thing?

"As you wish Arden. Good day to you," I uttered.

I stride to the front with nana behind me holding onto the woven basket. She holds my hand to help me into the carriage. As we sit nana looks like she has something to talk to me about so I encourage her to just tell me.
"Nana, if there's something you wish to say to me, you are free to do so whenever."

"Well.."

"Go ahead, I swear upon my name you may speak what's in your heart." I coax her with a smile.

"Well... I want you to let me know when your wounds begin to hurt, so that we can return to the manor, straight away!"

"I see, thank you. I will." To think she was worried about something so trivial. The wounds are numb so it is not a problem for my social etiquette.

I studied the view out the window for the rest of the time spent of the journey. When we get to the location of our lunch we find and spread out at a nice area rather quickly. Nana forcefully puts a sandwich half in my hand. The cucumber ones are my favorite.

"Make sure you eat fully today, you are too thin. You also have to eat a meat sandwich too. You need more protein!"

"Okay, I will." I obediently retorted. Despite my reluctance to eat too much. I don't usually have that huge of an appetite.

"Hello, Lady Asterin. It's good to see you here, this fine afternoon."

My face reveals surprise at his appearance. What is he doing here? This is different from my other lives. I stand in spite of my confusion and curtesy.

"Your highness. How have you been lately? Has your gem business been flourishing well?"

I behold the sight of his smile twitching from my last question. I could almost grin and chuckle at his obvious distaste. At least that stayed the same as all my other lives.

"Ahem, I was hoping you would do me the honor of escorting you to my birthday party this weeks end. Since you are my fiancé after all."

This is so like him. The complimentary smile he gives to everyone around him. The seemingly nice words with a sharp undertone of a threat.

"Unfortunately, I'll have to respectfully decline your offer. For I have a prior engagement." I mirror back at him a similar facial expression.

This man obviously can't comprehend my words. He doesn't understand why I have changed my attitude towards him so abruptly.

His face turns black with a usually unforeseen anger at my slight to his expected response from me. Every time I was invited I was invigorated by his asking and I replied yes straight away.

"You can't do this miss Clive. You'll regret it, I promise you."

Of course, he already blew his fuse. It's always so short when it comes to him. And unfortunately for him, I know him all too well.

I keep calm and advise him I'm not someone to be messed with.
"The universal question is how do you destroy a monster without becoming one?"

"What are you jabbering on about?!" He raises his voice at me but not loud enough to attract the attention of others around us.

I carry on with my speech. "The answer is, you don't."

"I am not joking around with you Miss Clive. You will go to my birthday party with me as your escort as you are my fiancée and I will not have you ruin my reputation."

Look at how silly this man becomes when you disrespect him.

I simply state with a firm tone of voice, "I have gone my whole life listening and obeying the orders of what a lady is supposed to be. I'm done now. I found my courage to finally choose me first and foremost." Because, if I don't who will? The only choice ever given is yourself.

"Nana, lets go home. I'd like to rest now. My back hurts."

I turn away from him and nana and I board the carriage; while my driver picks up our belongings.

Unknowingly to me though, my wounds had started to bleed when I stood to greet prince Laurent. And he had seen the blood as it seeped into the fabric.