Cнapтer 1; Do-Over
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I awake in a haze. My awareness was taken from me only to return in a rush, knocking the breath from my lungs with the pounding from the migraine I am bombarded with. Beating into my subconscious like a symphony of drums. I squeeze my eyelids shut right away from the pressure.
Though quickly I think of something. Gold irises glitter in the light with a realization. I have again been reborn. My ninth time reliving the same horrifying fate. Reliving another life, trying to change, only to die the same way; over and over again. God is really cruel. Now, I'm back to the tender age of just sixteen. A few months away before my coming of age ceremony. And on my 17th birthday, I am hanged by the crown prince, for a crime I did not commit. In retaliation for a woman I have never personally known, in any of my lives.
I shut my eyes, softly this time, and sigh quietly. I don't want to do this anymore. Why bring me back. It's a truly cruel thing, to relive a nightmare over and over. Especially if it's one that doesn't sleep even while it's prey is awake.
"Lady Asterin! You're finally up! I was so worried. Thank god." I've missed you too nana.
She flings herself at where I lay. Wrapping her arms around, just the same as all my other lives. I still welcome it just as much as I had before though. She's the only one who ever cared. She's the only one who's ever stood by my choices and understood my hurt. She's the only person who believed my innocence.
My arms in turn wrap around her midsection. And I speak up with a scratchy, yet elegant tone of voice, "I'm okay, nana."
My act is perfect. My acting like everything is fine. When in fact nothing ever, ever went my way. I wanted to break into pieces and sob. What a helpless villain you've become.
"Oh, my! Just look at your hair. We should get you into the bath. It's not as filled with luster like usual." Brought out of my thoughts I turn to nana. I smile at her worry for something so insignificant. Just the same as my other lives. When I am away from her, I long for her annoying fussing.
"Don't ever do that again. Be careful of the stairs next time." She says to me, oblivious to my internal conflict.
I know that it's idiotic to compare in what ways this life and the past lives stay the same but I can't help but to think this way in spite of it. I need to to get this one right, even if this one life, the only one thing I'll get is to live to old age. I can be happy with that. I need to change the ending to their happily ever after. That man Laurent and his lover Davina. I always tremble in rage and fear at the image of their loving figures. Embracing one another for dear life. How gross. Love is stupid. I should have seen so from my first life. I want to change my fate.. I want to experience deaths embrace. I don't want to relive everything again.
"Okay, I think it's time you have yourself a bath. Enough hugging, now." Nana's arms finally untangle themselves from mine and she helps me to stand from the luxurious bed, albeit unsteadily.
Nana helps me to undress and held me upright while I step into the bathtub. As I sit down I catch something in my peripheral view; a vase of sunflowers. I gaze a little too long because nana had already washed my almost floor length vividly red hair. My most striking feature. Not that it has ever done much good as far as my romantic life goes.
I lean forward, dragging my hair with me. Her hands use a cloth to clean my back. I wince as she goes over a black and purple bruise. No matter the amount of times, I don't seem to get used to pain. Even if I've already experienced it. My fingers clench into my palm with frustration at my inadequacy.
"Nana, I'll always love you. I want you to know that," I speak tenderly.
I don't want to see her die for me ever again. Not when, every time I am left alone. I am a very selfish person. But I don't care.
Her eyes start to glisten. And she whispers back to me with shaky words. "I love you too, my little Asterin."
Our hands tangle and grip each other with a familial love, something I've never felt or had before her.
YOU ARE READING
Today, I Decided To Forgive Myself
Fantasy"People only become the monster inside when they are forced to.. it's just the way the world works. Remember that the next time you're forced to stare into lifeless eyes." And I crook a smile in his direction. Just one last time for his enjoyment...
