Today, I Decided To Forgive Myself

Chapter thirty

Cнapтer 30; Coυld Yoυ Ѕυrvιve Wнaт Ι Already Нave?
~
The darkness couldn't conceal the man standing at the door of the cell. The brightness of the moon reflected against his pale face. Effectively revealing more than what he wanted.

The prisoner scowled at him. The grime collected on her face wrinkling with the effort. Only she couldn't shake the feeling of the stiffness so she stopped and scratched her cheeks. The dirt spreading to under her broken and cracked nails.

"How nice of you to come see me. Or should I just call you what you are? Like the betrayer you are." The defeated girl spoke irately. "But, enough of that. Where have you been all this time my moon?"
•••

"I've always thought you were vicious and spiteful to anyone who tried to help you."

"Help?! Help. Haha! That's the most hilarious thing I've ever heard you say."

"I tried to help you escape his schemes. I told you what would happen. I gave you the chance to escape— to live," he stops a moment. "Why didn't you.. just leave?"

I can see the desperation and the hopeless inclinations he once had to save his father and to keep me away. "The alarm in your dark eyes is beautiful!" I feel myself going mad. The twisting and turning of my insides to fit a new me.

"I wanted you to leave."

"And I stayed because of a single reason. He needed to die. For all the endless suffering. Insufficient life after insufficient life. Meaningless death after meaningless death..."

I twirl to point at this kingdoms dead rulers body.

"And maybe I've gone insane now. But who wouldn't lose all sanity after dying so many times. But, I must admit this life was the most satisfying. Yes, yes, yes," I nod my head, "this life I had at the very least taken some of my rightful vengeance. I didn't sit back and watch everything happen. So if I have to die right now too then I will accept it. Oh! Don't forget that I want to be at the very least buried even if my grave can't be marked!" I realize it most likely doesn't matter but in my other lives I've always wondered about my body rotting in a pile with a bunch of other criminals and it makes me shudder.

His face contorts and moves into an emotion of disbelief. Like he doesn't believe me when I speak of this surrender. I could almost laugh at the absurdity he would find at his words if only he knew the true depth to the repeated circle.
"You are delusional."

"Everyone always paints their skies with whatever color they see after all." I talk about him when I speak for I am not what he says I am. Insane maybe. But not delusional.

"Arrest miss Asterin Clive of the Duke household. She is held accountable for the crimes of murdering her family and the betrayal of the crown. She will be sentenced to a trail on the premise of treason."

I watch him with surprise and repulsion. Vexation bubbles up within my chest. "No! No! No! You're supposed to kill me right now! Sentence me to death right now! I don't want to go back in that cell!" I run over to him and grab him so quick that the knights don't even have time to move me away from him. I search his eyes, it's the only thing I can think to do at this moment as I become so desperate, "please, please, you can't put me in that cell again. I'll lose what's left of me.."

I can't do it again. Never again.

He searches my eyes back. He doesn't see the silent cries and bloody tears. "Take her to the cells to wait for sentencing."