bucket list || l. norris

thirty

* the morning after the night before. engage as you read, and don't forget to vote before you go! your comments on the last chapter absolutely blew my mind. let's keep that up, it makes me so happy! enjoy! <3 *

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I grunted when my eyes began to peel open, the sunlight pouring in from the window more than our previous mornings here. I couldn't even fully open my eyes because the sunlight was too much to actually look at. I tried to roll over, so that I could bury my face back into my pillow to fall asleep again, but I was stopped by the body which was right beside me.

His face was buried into the crook of my neck, his arm resting across my bare stomach. My eyes widened. Realisation hit me quickly, and I wasn't sure how to feel. I didn't know what I was supposed to feel, really. My best friend was lying here beside me, and we were tangled up between each other's bodies, and we were naked. That only meant one thing.

Last night was good. Admitting my feelings to Lando was like lifting a heavy weight from my shoulders. He took it better than I ever imagined, especially because he initiated the whole discussion by admitting his feelings first. I didn't expect it at all, and I especially didn't imagine things to escalate in the way they did.

The way he touched me, the way he said my name, the way he told me he loves me. It was so meaningful and raw, he spoke with so much emotion, and it left me questioning why we waited so long. But now, despite everything that we did together, I was beginning to have second thoughts. Not doubts, nor regret, just second thoughts. Best friends first, lovers second. I didn't want to lose what we had, because it was special, and I wasn't me without it. Last night put all of that in jeopardy, and I couldn't face it. I would rather it remain a one time thing, and to go back to normal again, but I wasn't too sure that would be Lando's preference.

"Mila?" Lando's voice startled me, although he spoke a groggy mutter, as he wrapped his arm across my bare stomach and inched that little bit closer. I didn't know how to react. First, I couldn't startle him, or make it seem like I was full of regret. Second, I didn't want to leave his arms. The conflict in my head was unbearable. "Hey, are you awake?"

"Mhm." I couldn't speak. I didn't want to open my mouth because I would cry and it felt unnecessary. Lando noticed my reserved manner immediately and he sat up, brushing his hair out of his eyes. As soon as we made direct eye contact, I felt my heart break.

He wanted everything that I couldn't give him, because my life would end too soon and it would crush him. I was bound to crash, and I didn't want him to crash with me.

"What's wrong?" He reached up to my face, gliding his fingertips across my skin, and making me feel all warm inside. I reacted to his touch, of course, because I liked it, but I couldn't settle for it. I couldn't let him fall in love with me, no matter how badly I wanted to fall in love with him. We couldn't do it. "Hey, talk to me. Is it what we did? Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"We agreed that this would never happen," I spoke with a shake to my voice. The lump in my throat was very much there and I knew that if I spoke too much, it would bubble over and I would cry. I didn't want to cry in front of him because I didn't want him to feel like it was his fault. It most definitely was not his fault. It couldn't be. "No matter how bad our parents wanted it, we agreed that we would never be together like that. And now we've done this."

"Are you saying you regret it?" As Lando sat up a little further, the duvet moved with him. I tugged on the sheet to ensure that my chest was covered, feeling nothing but insecure, especially about the scar on my chest.