Please Enter Me, Engineer | EMS #1

CHAPTER 48

Vyxen Saichi Skanska

After Hunter burst out that night, we never talked about the particular reason behind his tears. It seemed like he wanted to lend explanations and fuss disclosures for further matters but he chose to be in silence and swallowed back all the words he wanted to pour out down to his throat when he had sensed that I didn't want to hear it out. Ayoko. May guts kasi ako na magiging dahilan yo'n para magkaroon ng lamat sa relasyon na kung anong meron kami. I'm not sure, but I felt like something was off about it

And we reduced the frequency of our meetings. Kung noon ay araw-araw, ngayon ay tatlo na lang sa isang linggo o kaya naman minsan ay sa buong linggo ay 'di na kami nagkikita.

Hunter didn't want that kind of setup so I had a hard time persuading him to stop seeing me every day 'cause he had been worrying about the odds that my wild episode would suddenly strike and I couldn't stop myself from being impulsive. But despite his insistence, he ended up giving in with what I want—coaxing and lending him soft kisses softened his heart. Mabuti nga ay bumigay siya sa mga konting lambing, kasi kung makikita ko pa rin siya parati baka 'di ko mapigilang bumigay na makasama siya sa kama gabi-gabi. I should keep my distance from him, lalo na't gusto kong subukan na i-restrain yung sarili ko from sex.

I reasoned out that my intention for uprising with that kind of decision was, it's just my trip. Like trip ko lang. Yeah, napakawalang kwenta pakinggan. Of course, Hunter wasn't convinced but he didn't argue with me.  Instead, he just keep on reminding me that if ever I need to have my release I could always bank on him.

Sex abstention wasn't easy for me. I had been having tough times of keeping myself in stillness. There were a lot of drawbacks that come along to the change avenue I was pursuing to catch up with— stomach cramps, sweating, trembling, heating, aggression, and so on. The aforementioned outcomes due to resistance were not simple as it is, all were excessive. Excessive. I always felt like I was on the brink of losing my sanity, fetish stuff kept on ringing inside my head, urging me that I should execute them out.

Mahirap, super. And I'd been like this when I was attempting to change myself before. Nag-undergo pa ako ng different medications that time with a psychiatrist pero walang talab sa akin kasi ayaw talaga makipag-cooperate ng katawan ko? Or ako? Ewan. I couldn't just fight the cravings, really.

Hanggang ngayon pa rin naman, but the driven force I have this time seemed to be effectively influencing me that I should subside the hardships that would jump inside the loop of where I am. Oo, mahirap...napakahirap but with the motive I had within my grasp to keep going was very substantial— for Engr. Salcevo.

Well, I wasn't still sure if I could keep my restrain for a long run but I hope I could because I really want to change for him. Gusto kong i-try...gusto ko mag-try...gusto kong magbago para sa kanya...para kay Yvio.

I know, I already gave him clarifications that I am unable to be his woman and a woman with one man, kasi may ugali talaga akong lalandi at lalandi sa iba. My desires are excessive, too high, unstoppable and I know he's not that type of man who can handle someone like me, especially he came across to hate sensual stuff. Presumably, he won't be able to fulfill my urges, my needs. Therefore, we aren't a perfect match for each other, we won't be able to click if we would be together.

But I want to work out things between us. And that's when I decided I need to train myself to have constraints...I would try...I would try incredibly hard and if ever I could...I wish I could...Maybe I would take the risk to be with him. And if ever I could control myself for two months, possibly ibibigay ko na ang oo ko sa kanya. Just two...maybe just two months then I'll be fine. Kung mapipigilan ko ang sarili sa ganitong span ng panahon, walang assurance na tuloy-tuloy na 'to but I think two months is a good start. Mahaba na yo'n para sa akin, lalo na't sa katulad ko na araw-araw uhaw na uhaw sa rurok.