The Face Of Ballet

The darkness

Lilly sat there blankly staring at the screen, trying to process this new information when she was interrupted by her phone vibrating aggressively. Lilly glanced down at the bright screen seeing that Nat was calling her.

"Hello?" Lilly muttered into the phone as she weakly held it to her ear.

"Hey, I'm just getting into the car to leave now. Did you want anything on my way over to you?" Nat chirped happily as she strapped herself in.

"Ehh Nat I don't think you should come over" Lilly was trying to figure out how to conceal the war taking place in her brain.

"Excuse me do you not want to be seen with me in public or something?" She joked through the phone not knowing what was going on. Lilly laughed at Nat's false offended tone.

"Yeah you're just really embarrassing to be around and I just don't think we can continue to the friends anymore" Lilly joked in response, hearing Nat sarcastically laughing at the other end of the line.

"Ha ha very funny Lillian, anyway what's the matter why can't I come over?"

"It's just— I eh— feel sick and I just don't want to go out tonight. I'd rather be by myself and rest up to make sure I'm better for opening night" Lilly wasn't exactly lying to Nat when she said she felt sick, she just wasn't completely telling her the whole truth.

"Ah ok I'll tell Steve that tonight's off. Are you sure you don't want any company?"

"Yeah I just want to sleep it off and lay on the couch" Lilly's eyes caught sight of her screen again, she really should close off that article, it might take her mind off it.

Hey she was hopeful.

"Ah ok, I hope you feel better soon babe" Nat said making kissy noises down the speaker at Lilly making her laugh.

"Who knows I might even paint something" Lilly looked at the door of the spare room in her apartment. She rarely went in there anymore.

One thing to know about Lilly is she only paints or sketches in an important moment in her life. Whether it be happiness, anger, grief or even boredom but that one was only on a very rare occasion. Lilly not going in there anymore meant she wasn't unhappy in her life but she also wasn't happy in her current life.

She was just existing.

She had moments of happiness mostly shared with Nat, until James walked into her life. Dressed in dark suits and his towering height. The tall, dark mystery of a man that could make her feel more things than she'd even known possible.

"Damn your feeling pretty low if your considering actually painting something. I know you well enough to know that you only paint when your emotions get too much for you to express in actual words, like a normal person" Both girls let out an airy laughs, knowing that was the most accurate thing anyone's ever said before.

"No just feeling like a mix of sickness and anxiety, a bit of confusion I guess" Lilly told Nat but also making it clear to herself how she currently felt.

"Oh shoot. Lilly I'm sorry I've gotta cut our chat short- I know you were just getting into your college-degree-in-English way of expressing your feelings" Lilly smiled at the comment Nat would always make when she would express herself. Saying she should be a poet with word like that.

"That's fine I'll see you soon and we can actually catch up properly" Lilly sweetly spoke down the phone.

"Bye, love you"

"Love you too, bye"

Lilly closed down her laptop and grabbed her phone and glass of water.Lilly got dressed into a blue lounge set. A knitted pair of shorts,a cardigan and a bralette. She made her way to the spare room and pushed the door open. Lilly smiled to herself as she examined her hidden trove. The smell of paint filling her lungs. This room always made her feel like a Disney princess- call her too old for such silly ideals but Lilly couldn't care less, this small little room with paintings plastered along the walls was her whole heart. And she felt like the little mermaid- out of place and outspoken when she had the most to say.

Lilly had carts full of paints,canvases and palettes, she had mason jars upon mason jars of paint brushes. Some old, some newer, some small, some big. Lilly had a desk with a small white lamp hanging over head of the paint stained desk. There were plants on shelves and hanging from pots that were tied to the roof with old brown ropes. There were a range of used canvases laying against the wall, ranging from small hand sized squares to long canvases that stood taller than Lilly- although that wasn't hard.

Lilly propped up one for her easels on the floor and set own an old sheet so she wouldn't ruin the slightly faded timbre floor. Lilly looked at her finished pieces most of them beautiful pastel floral patterns but sometimes she altered to slightly darker pieces— these pieces were born when her mother died, the emptiness she felt clouded she spirt and dragged her down for months that nearly dragged her down for a year.

Lilly would forever be grateful to Natasha for pulling her out of the darkness before she got stuck there permanently. Lilly wondered if that's what happened to James when his mother died, he got dragged down into the darkness. He felt the pure emptiness of grief, the not even recognising your own reflection when you see yourself standing in the mirror. He didn't have a Natasha when he needed one.

James didn't tell Lilly the truth in fear that she wouldn't understand the darkness that lived in him but he'd be surprised how much of his soul Lilly would relate to— although Lilly would never relate fully to the pain James carried around from what had happened to his mother.

Lilly needed an escape, call it basic, call it what you will but Lilly felt inspired by what she wanted. What she dreamed about in the moment. What she longed for.

Lilly wanted nothing more right then and there to be laying on a beach, absorbing the suns glowing rays, listening to the crash of waves in the beautiful shining sea with the man she cared about more than herself. The sound of birds flying over the sea with the cool summer breeze under there wings, carrying them through the bright sky. Lilly knew deep down that James was wedged into her heart but she felt scared by the thought of admitting out loud how she felt about him.

Lilly feared why James had kept the truth from her but the way she felt about him made her whole souls scream at her to forget about what he's done in the past and focus on what her whole body was telling her.

Lilly knew it was true but she was scared to admit it.

She loved him.

And that scared her to no extent.

𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓓𝓪𝓻𝓴𝓷𝓮𝓼𝓼

                      𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓕𝓪𝓬𝓮 𝓞𝓯 𝓑𝓪𝓵𝓵𝓮𝓽

A/n: I really like this chapter. I just think it's pretty tbh. I had fun with the aesthetic for this chapter <3

Follow my TikTok for more @buckyxxrogers05