Patience |18+

Chapter 11

THANK YOU FOR THE 1K READS! I LOVE YOU ALL <3

Taila POV

TW- attempted self-harm

1 week later...

Have you ever felt so suffocated with yourself? Like even you get tired of your own being but you can't even come out from your own body because that is literally part of you. You feel lifeless, useless. You are the living dead.

The energy you once had completely drained out from you and now you are just there. Simply breathing, blinking, you look up the ceiling and think of what is the point? What is the point to repeat this same cycle every day, feeling like absolute shit.

Maybe if you did that one thing differently, you wouldn't feel like this. Maybe if you avoided that one thing, you wouldn't have to suffer long term.

That was exactly how it felt. The past week being in the same position in my bed, letting my thoughts get the best of me.

"Maybe if you didn't show your skin as much it wouldn't have happened you slut!"

"You desperate whore, maybe he was right."

Every fucking day, the same pattern of thoughts. 

You see no one really talks about how PTSD is like. Closing your eyes for a second and automatically you feel as if your heart, mind, and soul is in that exact situation again feeling the exact way, exact atmosphere, the exact pain you had to go through, the exact emotions that were being displayed.

"You are only useful for one thing, being my personal slut!"

That voice.

I blinked.

I haven't gotten out of my house, even my own room for a week unless I needed to go toliet. Haven't taken a shower or eaten. 

That's what it does to you, drags you back deep that you find it hard to climb up again.

I've also been ignoring him.

20 miss calls.

Ever since that happened, I immediately went to defense mode and blocked everything and everyone.

That's another thing I hate. The fact that I enjoyed it was a punishment itself, because something was telling me I didn't deserve it.

Who would want to fix my pieces up when I'm so shattered?

I promised myself not to get too intimate with anyone yet I got carried away, he doesn't deserve me, I am dirty inside and out.

It's better this way.

Soft sobs escape my lips.

Crying has become a habit of mine. Random tears would leave my eyes ad by the time you know it I would become a sobbing mess.

I got off the bed and dragged myself to the bathroom.

 Looking at myself in the mirror, I sighed. My hair was all puffy, my eyes had dark circles underneath, I look underweight you could literally see my cheekbones coming through due to the amount of food that had been lost.

"You're disgusting," I whispered to my reflection. My sobs started to increase and my body started to shake, I don't know if it was because of the overwhelming emotions or because of the lack of food I digested, I decided to go with the latter. 

My eyes automatically darted to the shelf above.

It was 4 years since I inflicted pain on myself.