DOORWAYS || MARAUDERS ERA

ϟ58: I'M NOT A HEROϟ

"Harry? Why aren't you at the feast? Ron said—"

"Not now, Rhea. I've got to find Nick."

"The Gryffindor ghost—?"

Rhea trailed off when Harry hurried off to a seemingly random direction, but Rhea knew it was the way to the Charms classroom. Deciding Harry wasn't in the mood to answer her questions, she let her legilimency absorb his thoughts, even though she felt guilty for doing so.

Nick... Sirius... ghost... see him again..

Rhea's throat went dry and she felt her eyes burn with raw emotion. Stopping abruptly in her tracks, she gazed at Harry who had already cornered Nick.

Her thoughts zoomed back to the Department of Mysteries... the way Sirius gracefully fell through the veil... the ghost of a laugh tracing his lips...

"But you did! You came back—you're dead—"

"Wizards can leave an imprint of themselves upon the earth, to walk palely where their living selves once trod," said Nick miserably. "But very few wizards choose that path."

"Why not?" said Harry. "Anyway — it doesn't matter — Sirius won't care if it's unusual, he'll come back, I know he will!"

And his belief was so strong that he actually turned his head to check the door, expecting to see Sirius.

But all he saw was Rhea, standing in the doorway with a torn expression.

"He will not come back," repeated Nick quietly. "He will have . . . gone on."

"What d'you mean, 'gone on'?" said Harry quickly.

"I was afraid of death," said Nick. "I chose to remain behind. I sometimes wonder whether I oughtn't to have... In fact, I am neither here nor there. . . ." He gave a small sad chuckle. "I know nothing of the secrets of death, Harry, for I chose my feeble imitation of life instead." He smiled sadly at Harry and said gently, "I'm sorry to not have been of more help... well... do excuse me... the feast, you know..."

And he left the room, leaving Harry to gaze blankly at the wall. It was like he'd lost his godfather all over again.

"Harry—"

"Leave me alone."

"Why do you keep pushing me away?" Rhea asked in frustration, grabbing his wrist to stop him from leaving. "Let me help—"

"You were relieved that Sirius had died!" Harry burst out loudly, yanking away his hand. "I don't need your help."

Rhea felt as though her entire breath had been knocked off from her. "I wasn't relieved—"

"That's a lie and you know it!" Harry's voice was getting louder with every word. "When Sirius fell through that—that—veil—I saw you! And you looked RELIEVED!"

"Because that killing spell almost grazed you!" Rhea yelled helplessly. She could hear the faint laughter and yells from the Great Hall below them. "That spell almost grazed you, and I was relieved it wasn't YOU! And it absolutely disgusts me that I was relieved it was Sirius! But you dying would kill me, Harry! So forgive me for being selfish!"

And with that she turned on her heel and stalked away from him, refusing to let the tears fall. The guilt was filling her veins, burning her insides and she craved to just forget everything. How could she even be remotely relieved that Sirius had died instead of Harry? She felt disgusted with herself. She felt absolutely filthy.