18 Years of God Damn Bullshit: A Memoir

The First One I Sent

Written August 18, 2019
Sent October 27, 2019

Dear Mom,

I've written this letter so many times, and I've said this sentence so many times; none of them feel right after I go back and read them though.

I've wanted to say things to you for a while, all about how I had trouble leaving you at first, then how things got better than they had for a while. I hope you're doing okay, or as best as you can be in jail (by the way, I didn't want you to go there but it was out of my hands).

I wish I could hug you again, and get your advice, and hear how proud of me you are, because I want all of these things most in the world, but please know I am doing okay now. And I guess the purpose of struggle is to overcome it, because that's the way I've become stronger than before.

I love you mom. I know you love me too. I know the person you used to be when I was younger will only exist in my happiest memories, but in these memories I find hope for my future that I may too sing to a child of my own someday.

Thank you for being my mother. You will always be that to me.

Please get out of that place and take care of yourself, because on the other side there is an angry little boy who doesn't know how much of you he should know. I can't tell him all these things because it would be like describing the stars to someone who's never seen them.

Though I don't have faith that you've changed into someone different than you've been for the past few years, I forgive you, and keep you in this letter to put somewhere in my heart. Where it will stay until the eventual rainy days when I miss you and can no longer hold you.

Forever, my moon,

Your [son]