18 Years of God Damn Bullshit: A Memoir

Enemies

My neighbor is my enemy

Their face a nameless form that says

"I am danger, proceed with caution"

And from the moment I am afraid, that humanity is lost

Why should it be a dog eat dog world every Saturday morning and Monday evening

Followed by the moments indoors that pass too quickly

I have made it so I let the whole world in, try to put them at ease, fearing they might disappear if I didn't

I never know if they are afraid, or if it is me

I usually just assume they do not want to be noticed in the way that I don't

No one likes to be acknowledged by the other pedestrian on the street because it is uncomfortable

Maybe their Wednesday afternoons are just as tense

Maybe their world is just as survivalist as mine 

Maybe they too walk with knives already out before they step onto the pavement

I have been hurt before it will not happen again

I refuse to be beaten down again yet would just as soon have them end my suffering

To leave my apartment is to accept that I may not come back to it

To accept this possibility of death is to know that people are not people outside

They are not friends anymore than the people you drive alongside on the road are

It is a necessary evil that I swallow down, the two pills for energy, another gulp for the road of acceptance

I can not be near anyone, not friends, not family

Not without shaking uncontrollably and being unable to breathe

The verge of a panic attack is how I spend my interactions when I'm sober

I have to question if it is a flaw or if it keeps me safe

Perhaps it is both, but don't attempt to ask which one is worth it

It changes based upon how recently I've said to myself, "I hate everyone," or "I'm so alone."

So alone so alone I have to tell myself it's because I can't control it

If they knew what I knew they wouldn't be so passive

They'd beat me down and clutch their purses and send their friends with nothing to lose after me

They'd string me up and bolt me down and make me suffer for what I am

I am a monster

They should be afraid