18 Years of God Damn Bullshit: A Memoir

Love and Hooking up in the Time of Transition

((NSFW))

I dont recognize myself anymore, and maybe that's a good thing. If I so hated being myself before, surely this is better.

Its better when I feel confident in myself. Its better when my beard coming in makes me happy or when my voice sounds right. Even when I feel more connected to myself in more intimate ways.

But I am floating. Im never sure for how long I can keep this up. Im proud of myself for keeping my hard boundaries. Proud for what I feel I have accomplished, but is it real? Is the thing I feel I have conquered obtained? Being gay shouldnt feel like a reward a gold star you earn when youre willing to lose yourself in the culture.

Who am I without this rainbow bracelet of all things, and why am I still ashamed to wear it openly?

Many men go through this, I just never assumed I would have to when I know who I am. I am a man, a queer man. Why is that so hard to admit? Why has it been so hard to admit? 

Do I feel this sense that if I let a man be near me I lose my own title? Its a war with myself who I used to be, who I want to be and who Im truly becoming. 

I never thought it would be this way and Im afraid of a surrender. I think I like the thrill though. Will they see me this time if I tell them how to treat me? If I tell them enough times will someone eventually get it right? And if they do, will that make me happy?

Im stuck in a game of chicken with everyone who has ever doubted or prevented what I can now claim for myself. If I want, I go and siphon it out of people, outright asking, making it so easy for them to say yes. I cant process it if I cant think about it.

If Im so blacked out and missing so many moments I was too in my head to fully experience. Do I want them, or what they can give? They can sense it in my eye contact in the way I speak to them. They can smell the same shame because we are both sitting next to each other in the dark too afraid to hold hands. Mine shake with the cigarette between my fingers trying to hide how Im always choking out a piece of myself. I told him, We should live freely in this world, and he just left, shaking his head like, 'You dont get it yet.'

I never wanted to be anyones secret so why does it feel so good? I lie to myself saying its just him whos afraid. 

Im afraid too.