18 Years of God Damn Bullshit: A Memoir

I've grown to hate the safety of a cage

((condensed version))

February 9, 2020

I should be thankful I'm not on the streets

I should

But when I'm staring at the same walls

When I'm listening to the same speeches

When I wake up, and remember again how I'm still here

It's like jumping off a bridge all over again

Time seems to never work in my favor

I wish there were a way to turn off

To shut down, these next couple of weeks

No more fighting the rules that will never be fair

No more waiting for things to come sooner

Just dealing with it

Seemingly vacant inside

How do you empty your mind?

How do you gouge out everything within you that makes you yourself

And replace it with an obedient emptiness?

With the satisfied slavery of entrapment

How do you stomp out a fire so it stops burning you up inside in vain?

These are questions I've asked myself every time

Every time I'm trapped or shoved into a corner

So I have to stuff my complaints in a closet

And blame myself because no one else would take fault

Maybe it was nobody's fault

But either way I'm still here

Where do I go?