18 Years of God Damn Bullshit: A Memoir

Letter to my Father

April 4, 2020

Dear Dad,

Here is a letter I'm not sure I'll give you, so you can be sure it's sincere.

To start, I'm not usually one to indulge in my past with people. In fact, I can count on one hand those I'd allow myself to.

There's a part of me that knows that most people don't truly care, since we are naturally self-centered creatures.

And another part doesn't, because for a while now, I've learned (in some areas at least) to depend on myself.

I don't feel like someone with parents, and sometimes, I don't feel like someone who has anybody.

In time, I've seen more and more people leave my circle than enter it.

Part of me knows it isn't my fault, and part of me knows it is.

Because the truth is, more than pain, I hold deep trenches of guilt in my heart.

For I know I'm not innocent.

With the number of people in my life who don't often know what's going on with me, I allow myself to give in to the guilt.

I allow myself to be hurt, because part of me knows I deserve it.

While I do this, I am no fool.

I know if those close to me knew, they'd be hurt far worse than I for it.

What I'm trying to say is, I don't want to let you down too.

For in reality, you're the last person I feel like really believes in me.

And for as many people who's opinion I don't care about, it's yours among the few that could affect me.

I know I won't be perfect, no one is, but I want to become someone to you that maybe one day you'd be proud of.

-[Me]