My Foolish Heart {Completed}

Chapter 15

Chitta

*3 days later*

The past couple of days were honestly wonderful. I spent them with Stacie and they were absolutely magical. She’s probably one of the most honest people I’ve met in L.A. by far. I’m really happy I’ve met her a few months ago. I hope that there will be longevity with her and our relationship.

It was my last class of the day and it was a complete drag. I even cancelled my lesson plan for this class and let the kids free paint. My mind was amongst other things. Today was Khalil birthday, I wanted nothing more to be out of here so I could go see him. I haven’t spoken to Michael ever since the whole fight thing at his daughter’s birthday party. I doubt he knew what today was but I didn’t want to dwell on that.

I packed up my classroom and made my way towards the graveyard. I turned off my phone so no one could interrupt my night. I wanted to stop doing this to myself though. All that happens when I go out there is crying and wishing things had turned out differently. I find myself wondering were I would be if he was here and what he would look like now.

I can’t help but feel like I am being punished for something I didn’t do yet. My child was taking from me and I can’t stand that Gianna gets to enjoy the feeling of motherhood. I envied her to be frank. She got everything that I wanted. This is why I couldn’t be friends with her again. It wouldn’t be pure. One day I will let it go but right now I wasn’t quite ready to do that.

I pulled into the parking lot of the graveyard, grabbed my purse and walked over to where Khalil was laid to rest. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw a male figure hunched over sitting at  the gravestone. It could only be one person I was shocked he was here. The closer I got and  heard him speak that only confirmed that it was Michael. I stepped closer so I could hear what he was saying to our son.

“I really wished I couldn’t have been there for you and your mom, I feel so fucked up about the whole thing. I should’ve been a better man about it, my father wasn’t there for me either so I wasn’t sure I would be a good at being a father. Even though I have a daughter with my girl, I was scared to bring you in the world with your mom.” His words were a little muffled from crying and I had no idea he felt this way all this time. The more I listened to him I began to cry as well. I felt like I was imposing on his personal moment with Khalil. I turned on my heels to go back to my car but fell instead.

“Shit!” I let out a little screech and startled him. Fuck my life. He snapped his head back at me and looked somewhat upset. He got up and walked away his eyes were puffy and he held his head down. I felt bad but I wasn’t here to see him anyway. I noticed there was a teddy bear sitting next to the gravestone. It kind of warmed my heart, it showed me he still cared.

**

I walked back to my car wiping my tears away. I searched in my purse for my keys. Once I retrieved them I noticed Michael sitting on the hood of my car. I couldn’t help being a little annoyed. However I decided to be nice about it.

“Hey Michael. How are you?” I placed my purse in the passenger seat. Small talk made things awkward and hopefully he got that and would leave so I could go home.

“I’m good, how are you?” He whispered dryly. I felt like he was harboring some anger for some reason.

“I’m fine. Are you upset with me for some reason?” If he was, what was his reason behind it? I hope it wasn’t for what happened at his daughter’s party. I already apologized for that and wasn’t going to again.

“Naw. Actually I am just a little bit.” He admitted. What the hell?

“For what exactly? I don’t want to fight with you Michael especially not today.” I was truthful with him and I didn’t have the energy for it.

“First of all I haven’t heard from you and I was worried. Secondly for interrupting my moment here.”

“Well I’m only sorry for interrupting you here. We aren’t together anymore. You have a family and I’ve moved on. I can’t be someone you call when things aren’t going good with Gianna at the moment.” I can’t believe I said that out loud to him. It was true though. Don’t get me wrong as much as I loved him I couldn’t allow myself to be just an option to him. It has already cost me too much. I couldn’t give him anything more than I have.

“I can’t help it that I still want you in my life Sochitta. I love Gianna but I don’t think I ever been in love with her. I believed it because I’m—-” I cut him off knowing what he was going to say but I as much I wanted to hear him say it, I couldn’t let him.

“Stop right there Michael we can’t do this. Too much time has passed.” I crossed my arms over my chest.

“Listen I’m not sure how much longer I can hide my feelings for you Chitta. Everytime I see you, think about you, I regret that I wasn’t there for you and Khalil.” He stepped closer to me and I wanted to back up but my feet were stuck like they were glued to the pavement.

“We can’t change what happened Michael. We have to learn to live with it.” I let out holding back the tears.

“I still want you to have my child Chitta.” He grabbed my hands in his but I didn’t know what I should say.

“Michael I ca- can- I can’t.” I snatched my hand from his. The look on his face read that he was shocked like he expected I’d say okay let’s do it.

“What do you mean you can’t?” He snarled as he clenched his jaw.

“I mean that as much as I would love to have a child I can’t put myself through that with you again.”

“I understand and right now I can’t make that promise that I’ll leave Gianna and Lalani either. But can you promise me that when you do decide on having children again I’m the first one you call.” He wiped the tear that fell down my cold cheek and rested it there.

“I can’t make that promise either Michael.” I grabbed his hand and rubbed my hand against it for old time sake.

“Consider it though. Since you a lesbian now you’re gonna need a sperm donor.” He snickered. I punched him playfully in the arm.

“I never said I was a lesbian Michael. I’m just trying something new, something I like.” I tried not to blush but whenever I thought about her I couldn’t stop myself.

“Well when you want this old thing back…” He paused while grabbing his member through his basketball shorts. “You know where to reach me.” He turned on his heels then jogged towards his car.

I think I will alway have a place in my heart for Michael. As much as I try to deny it I will probably always love him. Is that going to stop me from moving on and being happy though? Nope now that would just be foolish.