To Infinity and Back //S. Gojo x OC//

Chapter Twenty

This song describes Amati so well, and her feelings and her relationship with Suguru too

I love this cover by Madylin Bailey💙 And it would be awesome to listen to this while reading this heavy angst-filled chapter ;)

Amati Tanaka:

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She never knew one look at the name would drive her mad. She never knew she'd fall on her knees and break down at that moment.

She never knew she'd lose her mind.

Tears fall down her checks heavily, dripping down her chin. She grinds her teeth and hides her head in her hands. I still can't believe this... She weeps, digging her fingers in her head. He's gone... he's gone forever...

Everything comes back to her like a raging storm. The memories, their love, the nights together, the words whispered... everything between them...

"After all these years, after thinking that I'd forget you," She starts, "you were always there. Beside me, taunting me, mocking me. In my brain, in my visions." She closes her eyes. "You broke me so bad, you know."

She closes tighter around herself, feeling cold and lost.

"I loved you so much, it hurt. It hurt trying to make you happy every day. It hurt when I worked so hard to make you smile but you hardly did. It hurt when all I wanted was for you to be genuinely happy with me, but learning I was never good enough that you left us all."

She inhales shakily, tears falling to her lap.

"And then, you made me loose ten years of my life, drowned in pain, in loss, all because of you." She closes her eyes tighter. "You might think I'm exaggerating, but of course you didn't know this, or maybe you did but refused to let it move you, but..."

She stops, eyes open wide, remembering what happened, remembering the shock and pain.

"We...we were—but I—I didn't know and—" she finds it too hard to breath. She puts an hand on her chest and closes her eyes, trying to get her breathing back.

She feels Satoru's eyes on her, watching silently.

Should she really say this in front of him?

Well...

It's not like she's staying so long in this life anyway. She doesn't care anymore. Let him listen.

The air goes silent as she opens her mouth, to say the dreaded words she hid for so long.

"We were going to have a boy, Suguru."

She looks up at his name.

"But... I didn't know until it was too late." She winces. "Until he was four months old. Dead." Even the wind stops at her words. "Do you know how painful it is to actually find something like this out?"

She glares at his name. "Do you know the pain I felt when I learnt I killed him, by my anger and self hatred and misery? By not eating, nor sleeping." She digs her nails in her palm. "I was hardly eighteen. I was too fucking young. I didn't know anything, I didn't know that one night could destroy me, I was too innocent and inexperienced and hardly able to hold such responsibilities, but you didn't cared didn't you? You didn't warn me. So here you go, I killed the only person who would have brought us back together."

She wipes her tears, sobbing. "I tried to come back so many times but I was afraid you'd know this and hate me. I kept delaying and delaying and delaying... until I got the message that... that you're gone--dead..."

She hears new footsteps approach, but she doesn't bother to look behind.

"You bastard..." She quietly weeps. "I miss you... I feel so alone. No one needs me, I'm so useless and hated. What am I even doing here anyway, when I can just go to you..."

"Amati..." Satoru says, kneeling beside her. "Amati, breathe."

But she can't.

She feels like she's drowning, her airway clogged. Her attempts to breathe turn to gasps.

"Shoko!" Gojo yells, and the second person who was behind her, Shoko Ieiri, now kneels on Amati's other side.

"Amati! Calm down!" She yells.

But she can't. She's hyperventilating.

"Amati!" Shoko limits her airflow to help her get back to her normal breathing. She puts a hand over her mouth, and yells at Amati to breathe through her nose only.

But Amati...

It was a little too late.

With the lack of air, Amati's eyes close, darkness surrounds her.

And she falls unconscious.

For who knows how long.

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Satoru Gojo

It was shock after shock after shock.

He cant believe this. He cant believe any of this.

"She needs rest." Shoko says, tucking a blanket around Amati. They brought her to her old dorm room, brought a mattress and a blanket for the bed and let her rest on it.

"Is she breathing normally now?"

Shoko nods. "Yeah."

Gojo has told Shoko all about their meeting yesterday, and so she knows why Amati has come back. She also heard most of Amati's words to Suguru's gravestone.

"Her condition is bad though." Shoko says. "I'm not some psychologist, but I know grief when I see it. Those marks on her wrist, the self hate, the guilt of loosing that child. She even said she wanted to go to him. An indirect way of saying—"

"Yeah." Gojo cuts her off. "I know." He doesn't want to hear it.

"She needs help." She says, looking at him. "She needs psychology treatment. It's obvious how much this affected her health, I mean look at her." She waves. "I've never seen her this thin in my life."

"Then what do you want me to do?" He asks.

"I don't know..."

And hours passed.

Shoko had to leave, leaving Gojo alone with Amati's unconscious body. He brings a chair and sits beside the bed.

"We were going to have a boy, Suguru."

Her words, the pain and guilt behind them. The way her voice cracked. The way even her body couldn't take all her emotions at once.

Yes, it killed him to watch her. Listen to her.

And yesterday... he fucking told her to leave.

He winces at the memory. The way he said it in such cold dry anger.

"Shit..." he mutters, putting his head in his hand.

He stands up and leaves the room. Its not like his presence would make anything better.

But throughout the day, as he waits for her to wake up, all that runs in his mind are her words, her tears, her pain and guilt.

Everything's already fucked up as it is.

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:') im such a disaster
Is it just me or do I love torturing every character

But I mean, don't you agree that a good book isn't a good book if it doesn't involve vulnerabilities and torture and sadness

Ok ok I'll stop

Anyway the sadness doesn't end here :)
Next chap tmr

⭐️💬⬆️