always you² | derek morgan. ✓

28 | comfort.

charlotte morgan.

My mind stays blank as I remain in the same position as I've been these last couple of days; not moving, not speaking, not thinking.

I don't want to seem dramatic about this all, but the team always tells me to be open when I'm feeling out of it and need to grieve.

I know this isn't necessarily open, but it's what my body wants — my body wants to shut down and power off for a couple of days, not worrying about anything.

I know shutting the team out is the worst thing to do, especially at a time like this, but I've never been open. When Derek got amnesia and forgot the whole year he spent by my side, everyone treated me like a lost puppy dog — I don't want that to happen again. I don't want the team being cautious around me just because I lost Spence.

We all lost Spence, so why should it be any different for my benefit? I mean if anything, we should all be worried about Luke. After Spence's memorial, he took a two week furlough and nobody heard from him. He just went off the rails until this morning. He called me, and of course I answered. He's the only person that I want to sympathize with at the moment — he's the only one who won't treat me like a lost puppy, and I'm the only one who won't treat him like a lost puppy.

I hear the front door slam shut, interrupting me out of my thoughts. I hear rapid footsteps up the stairs, all the way until they reach the top. I stay in the same frozen position, listening to keys clink against a platter.

Rapid footsteps reach the room door, the door swinging open as my eyes travel to the doorway, Derek standing there.

"Get up." He states, making his way to my bedside.

I ignore him, remaining still as my eyes travel back to the closet — gazing at the nothingness of the closet door.

I feel Derek's eyes beating down on me, his stare intense, "Get the fuck up, I'm not gonna ask again." He states in a harsh tone.

My eyes travel up to him, tracing over his facial expression before meeting his eyes. His glance is longing and remains steady on mine, his eyes heavily searching mine.

"Wh-" I begin.

Derek carefully grabs my hand, sitting me up, "C'mon, out of bed you go." He states.

"Wh- Why are you doing this?" I ask in a low tone, my voice rasped and groggy; my vocal chords tightening as I speak.

Derek shakes his head, grabbing out a suitcase before heading over to our closet, grabbing random clothes, "I'm sick of the moping around. I'm sick of you not talking to me. I'm sick of you not interacting with our fucking son-" He begins to ramble on.

I cut him off, my brow furrowing in confusion, "What are you talking about?" I ask.

"You haven't spoken to anyone in days. I'm worried about your well-being and your mental health. I'm worried about you freezing up and not interacting with Louie and I anymore. I'm worried that you'll become bed bound, and on top of that all, the doctor said I can't keep giving you IVs for hydration and nutrients." He states.

"Derek..." I begin.

Derek stops in his tracks, shaking his head as he looks over at me, "No, don't Derek me. Our son needs his mom and I need my wife. I get it, you don't want to be treated like a lost puppy — that's fine by me. But if you don't want to be treated like a lost puppy dog, then you need to get out of bed and show me that you're not dying inside." He states.

"I'm not." I state.

"Then talk to me, Charlotte. Tell me what is going on in that fucking mind of yours. Tell me what I can do to not make you relapse on drugs or make you repeat a bad part of your past, because I'm not Reid. I'm not good at all of this, but I can try. I want to try and help you get through this — but I can't try if you don't give me a chance." He states.

"Why are you packing?" I ask, my brow furrowed as I watch him stuff the suitcase.

"Don't change the subject." He states.

I scoff, shrugging my shoulders, "I miss Spence." I mutter, "Is that what you want to hear?" I ask, climbing out of bed, "I miss my best friend and I'm scared that if I go to work, I'll break down from everybody's sorrow and condolences. I'm scared that if I look at his desk, I'll lose it. I'm scared that if I look at his parking spot, I won't be able to walk inside the bureau. I wish he was still here and I wish he never left us." I admit, my voice breaking at the last part.

Derek shakes his head slightly at my words, his eyes meeting mine, "He never left, love. He's still here. He may not physically be here, but he's definitely still here." He states.

I nod, my eyes watering, "I know, and that's what hurts the most." I pause, "The thing that hurts the most is the fact that he's still here, spiritually or in some other way, and I can't find a way to let him go." I state, my voice breaking as a tear escapes down my cheek.

Derek walks towards me, wrapping his arms around me with no hesitation, "You don't have to let him go, love. You never have to let him go. If you let him go, then you'll never be the same. Reid is the person who made you you. Just because he passed, doesn't mean you have to let him go." He states as I wrap my arms around his back, letting out a small sob.

"If I don't let him go, then I'll never get over his death." I state, not being able to contain the tears anymore.

It feels good to finally get out — to finally let out all of my emotions and all of my hurt. It feels good to not have it bottled up.

"You'll never fully get over his death, love. It doesn't work that way. When I lost my dad, I tried my hardest to let him go so I could move on, but it never worked and I always wondered why..." Derek pauses, slowly pulling out of the hug as his eyes search mine, "You can never let go of the people who made the biggest impact on you." He states.

"You can never let go of the people who made the biggest impact on you." — Everyday, those words remind me of why we're still together. Everyday, those words remind me of why fate brought us back together.

"He'll be by your side for life, Char. There's nothing you can do about it. You just have to live with the fact that he's probably going to be standing by your side and living life with you, every second of every day, even if he's not right here, by your side." He states, "I love you, Char, and Reid does too."

I nod as Derek's hand travels up the side of my face, his hands cupping my cheeks as he slowly wipes away the tears that have fallen from my eyes. His touch is gentle as his thumb caresses my cheek slowly, and with that, I feel the comfort that I always feel around Derek; the butterflies I get.

Comfort is such an odd thing; sure you can find it in television shows, books, celebrities, and fictional characters, but only the people you hold dearest to your heart can bring you actual comfort. That's what family is.

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authors note;

this book is so close to coming to an end and now i'm sad about it :'(

i love you all<3.
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