Life Goes On

18. Getaway

When I get home, my dad sees my blotchy red face and is instantly concerned. He questions me all the way up the stairs, but I don't feel like answering, so I lock myself in my room.

I don't know what I feel. A part of me feels sad and hurt and another part feels angry and stupid. I knew I was gonna walk away, so why didn't I fight? Why didn't I fight for him to remember something? If he was giving me all of these signs, why didn't he remember me? I've gone too far now. I've over analyzed too much and now I'm raging. I scream out in pain and anger and let everything out, but not by crying. My hands are flying all over the place, knocking books and pictures off shelves and my sheets off my bed. I have his shirt clenched in my hands trying to rip it, but when I fail, I only think of other things I failed at and I drop to the floor.

I cry into the shirt and try to think of things I've done wrong to deserve this. I make myself think this happened for a reason and that the reason is a good one. I make myself think this is all just a dream and when I wake up, I'll see him and he'll smile so big and he'll kiss me and call me angel again, but everytime I pinch myself, I'm already awake. This isn't a dream and I'm not living in a perfect land where nothing bad happens to good people. This is reality and its struck me like a pound of bricks.

Because of how much crying I did, I ended up falling asleep right there on the ground. Somehow my dad managed to get in and when he saw the mess I'd made, he got me in trouble, but not too much. He knew something was obviously wrong, but I wasn't ready to tell him yet. I wasn't sure I was ready to even move from this position yet, let alone speak to anyone. All I wanted to do was stay like this forever and sleep myself to another life.

I eventually got up and tucked myself into bed, which only led to more crying and thinking. This time, however, I cried because I was wishing I still had my mom around to tell her this, to talk about everything with her so she could give me her motherly advice. I needed her more than ever right now, but all I could do was wish to have her back. I told God to relay some messages to her for me, in hopes he'd hear me.

After hours and hours of deafening silence, I looked to my clock and it read 5:16 a.m. My eyes stayed glued on the time until finally, I fell asleep.

When I woke up, the pain wasn't any easier to cope with. My room was still a mess, Justin still didn't know me, and I still didn't have my mother back. I stayed in bed until late afternoon. If it wasn't for my dad, I don't think I would've moved at all. He came in with a big tray stacked up with food. "I don't know what's wrong or what's happened to make you so upset, so I'm bringing you food because you haven't ate since last night and because food always cheered your mom up. When you're ready to talk, I'm here to listen, baby girl. Whatever it is, I will give you my full attention. Now I may not be your mom, but I am your dad and I know I can give hell of advice. So whenever you're ready, I'm right here, honey." He sets the tray of food down on my night stand and kisses my forehead, before walking out.

I shut my eyes and try my best not to get all choked up again. I sit upright on my bed and place the tray of different foods on my lap. It consists of a sandwich, salad, rice, pasta, vegetables, chocolate cake, milk, and pink lemonade. I smile at his choice of cake and dig in.

I feel a little better afterwards, but that's probably because I hadn't consumed any food since lunch yesterday. I place the tray back on my nightstand and cuddle back into my covers. I'm about to try to go back to sleep, but my phone vibrating stops me. I reach over to it and unplug it from it's charger. I bring the phone to my face and lower the brightness, due to it burning my eyes.

"From: Jazmyn
I hope you're still coming tomorrow. I really want to spend time with you outside of anything to do with my brother. I miss you"