BTS Oneshots

Jikook- Again and Again [Part One]

1,154 Words

Contents: Sad

Jungkook finds a diary in one of his hyung's room.

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Just as Jungkook started towards the member's door to leave, he spotted a navy blue book sticking out from their bed. Curiously, he walked back over and picked it up.

It was a diary.

Jungkook felt uneasy, he shouldn't snoop through his hyung's things. It was inappropriate and disrespectful. But he's never seen a diary like this one before.

So he opened it.

May 4, 2021

Butter will be out soon, and PD-Nim says I should start working out for the muscles ARMY would want to see. He told me that today. Lately I've been feeling down, mentally, we've had all these interviews and it's disappointing that we can't say anything about Butter. I know ARMY will love it. After we lost the Grammy, I've been feeling really sad- I sound spoiled, I know. Although, I think it's because we tried to shoot too high. I worked really hard on each performance of Dynamite, and Namjoon hyung is so cooped up with the Western part of the world, sometimes he forgets why we debuted in the first place: to make music to make others happy. He keeps trying to go and go, reach really high and work too hard. The goals he wants is too much, Yoongi hyung ranted to me the night of the Grammys about how mad he was at Namjoon hyung for making us try again with Butter.

I love Namjoon hyung, I do. It's just that, sometimes he forgets there are some things we just can't achieve. My point is, everyone's secretly frusterated with Namjoon hyung now. I know he's under so much stress all the time, but it is his fault. He says yes to every single interview, then all of us have to practice a language we don't really need just to look good for people we don't know.

I've been struggling to eat lately because of the stress. I broke down with Taehyungie the other day, and he forced me to eat because he loves me and he doesn't want me to be hurting myself; as he worded it. Jungkook-ah says he's going to start dieting for Butter, so I think I'm okay.

I haven't eaten in two days so far. It's just so hard, I'm so busy all the time, and sometimes I genually forget to eat. I wake up, maybe take a shower, go to HYBE, work, go home, then go to sleep. Then I repeat. All my days are filled, and Jin hyung is under stress too because of the line coordination.

Namjoon and Jin hyung fought yesterday night, and Namjoon hyung really hurt Jin hyung's feelings. They made up today, but it's still kinda awkward. Namjoon hyung doesn't want to give Jin hyung lines he wants because his voice- he basically said his voice isn't good enough. Namjoon hyung said he knows Butter will bring lots of attention, and he doesn't want Jin hyung to ruin it. That was an a*shole move, and Hoseok hyung snapped at Namjoon hyung for it.

Jin hyung, ARMY sees a confident male with dad jokes. But what us members see is a self-conscious male with anxiety. Even since before the Love Yourself era, he's been hating himself and his voice more and more. Everyday he gets 'older', and he thinks that because he's the oldest his voice sucks. I've caught him crying about it so many times. And what Namjoon hyung said really hurt him.

I think I'm going to starve myself again. I don't know for how long, I just know that I'm too physically exhausted to work out and lose the extra weight properly. PD-Nim said I'm at good weight, but I know my fat self isn't going to be able to keep my weight the exact same until May 21st. These comments about me on Twitter are really killing me. I go on Twitter and see ARMY telling other ARMY's to report people saying bad about me or Jungkookie, or Yoongi hyung or anyone in the band. And although it's good they're spreading it so people can get rid of the hate, I'm still able to see what people are saying about me.

I remember one person, had said something so mean I cried for hours and didn't sleep because I was terrified to fall asleep. I was scared that when I went to sleep someone would break in and hurt me. And yes I know I am protected by so many things and people, I'm still scared. Someone had said they were going to kidnap Jungkookie and I, hurt us, then make us rape each other, and if we didn't, they would shoot us in different places and make us feel the pain until we died. They would torture us if we didn't. I told Taehyungie about how absolutely terrified I was on going to sleep, and he came over and slept with me to make me feel safe. I fell asleep, but I was so tired the next day. I didn't tell him why I was scared, he just knows I couldn't sleep because of a 'nightmare'. I told him I had a nightmare.

Sometimes I just want to quit. And I know sometimes my other members do too. But Hoseok hyung told me that I get the most hate in the entire band. Sometimes around and after comeback PD-Nim will ask me if I am okay and if I am eating, because he knows how I get. I always look at the feedback and I will read the hate for hours and get dragged down when I was flawless. PD-Nim and Hoseok hyung know me better than I do myself, my other members too.

Today was frustrating, I couldn't get my damn lines right in Butter. It'll be out in three weeks, and I still can't perfect English. Jungkookie is over here doing covers of random songs live, that he's never done before, and it's perfect. Then here I am, staring at a piece of paper with English on it, acting and looking like a dead fish in confusion. Sometimes Jungkookie is the reason I get down. I get jealous of him a lot, actually. He just seems so perfect, all the time. I don't know what to do.

I think I'll just go to sleep now. Jungkookie is spending the night with me, but I don't want to face him. He's too perfect, so I want to be asleep when he gets here. Also the pain from not eating goes away when I sleep and wake up for an hour. I can starve myself in peace. And as long as my stomach doesn't growl while somebody is around to hear it, I will be fine.

Good night, journal, maybe tomorrow can be better.

Park Jimin

Mood Today: 4/10